Japablum Loves Maya Rudolph

Both of our readers have been asking us in recent weeks, "Japablum, where you been in these recent days? Wherefore not you posting very much?" And our answer is the same as it ever was: Japablum is lazy. Also: alas, we didn't reach our goal this year of increasing our readership to three readers, so we're doing what comes natural and taking it out on our present readership by not posting anything. In your face, two readers.

Anyway, what with the holiday cheer suffocating us to death as we walk down Brooklyn's finer avenues, we have started to feel remiss. So we're taking a break from lounging in our egg nog truffle bath and posting this excellent all-Japanese Saturday Night Live clip from a few years ago or something. Lose yourself in Maya Rudolph's excellent pronunciation. (We're talking to you, Mickey Rooney.) Laugh knowingly as the Japanese Lenny and Squiggy mistakenly keep saying "I understand!" ("Wakarimasu!") instead of "I don't know!" ("Wakarimasen!"). We feel more energized already.

Pwecious Wittle Pandas Dept: Panda Death Match

A fight to the death at Adventure World in Shirahama, Japan. Japablum's money is on the black and white one.

Singer Kumi Koda Scared, Unsure What's Going On

"I don't know, they just told me to show up in a blue dress. I thought it was a movie premier, you know? Like I was gonna get to meet one of those hot new American movie stars, like Dane Cook or something. But I wasn't expecting to hang around with a bunch of guys with shiny blue faces who don't say anything. They're scaring me. Do I have to hang out with them all night? I need to talk to my agent. And my dealer."

From the Heart of Smutty Kabukicho: Every Woman's Dream (Kind of)

Hey, sweet mama. How you feeling? Yeah, me and my friends are just taking a cigarette break between clients. What's that, baby? Yeah, we work at the same host club. Huh? Yeah, I guess we are all pretty supple. Thanks for noticing. You look kind of supple, too. Well, you know, for your age.

What'd you say? Yeah, we do all iron our hair. Actually, we have hair-ironing parties once a week at our boss's place here in Kabukicho. It's pretty fun. We also blindfold ourselves and cut each other's hair.

You really oughta come into the club for a while so we can get to know each other better. I'd show you a real good time once you bought a drink. There's nothing like good conversation with a lonely rich woman forced to pay money for companionship. Nothing like it.

Yeah, that's right. Drop those inhibitions. Come on in. You got any hairspray?

Easy Joke Dept: Velvet Revolver Denied Visas to Japan

Members of American cockrock band Velvet Revolver were recently denied visas to enter Japan to perform scheduled live shows thanks to Japan's strict new immigration enforcement rules. The rule in question states that "No member of any rock and roll outfit that officially lists Scott Weiland as a member will be aloud in the country. Sorry." Harsh!

Japablum Punts: Cute Video

If you don't want to end up stabbing yourself in the eardrums, we recommend you turn the volume off. You don't need to hear that shit. Just enjoy the li'l mammals.

Poor Piggy

If there's one thing Japablum knows all too well, it's that living with a ticking bomb in your midst is the best way to ensure fiscal responsibility. And Japanese toy giant Tomy is definitely on the same page, because they've just introduced the "Savings Bomb," a piggy-bank-type vessel that explodes if you don't regularly add money to it.

It's apparently meant to encourage folks to stop being so damn greedy and put some money away for later every once in a while. Or even more often than that. There's a pre-set interval (not sure if the owner will have any control over this, but Japablum thinks they shouldn't), and the li'l piggy must be fed or he will explode his inner coinage all over the place.


Kumiko is a greedy bitch and her little piggies know it.

Japablum Bra Report

Good news for all you laydeez out there who find yourselves continually stumped when you're trying to eat your bowls of rice while wearing only a bra and you just don't have anywhere to store those dirty used chopsticks afterwards. Because surely you're going to be wanting another bowl of rice pretty soon before putting on a shirt!

Triumph Japan has just introduced a "My Chopsticks" bra, with one cup styled like a bowl of rice and the other like a bowl of miso soup. And, of course, there is a side pouch for the aforementioned slimy, saliva-coated chopsticks so that you can easily reuse them. You know, put them back in your mouth. Or.....feed your boyfriend while he's unhooking your Chopsticks bra? Japablum supposes that that is an option, too.

Japanese ingenuity (Japangenuity!) doesn't take days off, dear readers.

"Sure, I Want to Be a Serious Actress, But in the Mean Time, I'll Just Continue to Do These Promo Events for DVD Releases"

"Yeah, you know, I'm going on auditions and stuff, but really the only things I end up getting are these. Yeah, the DVD of Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is coming out here in Japan, so, you know, here we are. A few weeks ago I dressed up for the Japanese release of Black Snake Moan, the Christina Ricci nympho movie? Yeah, I showed up to the event dressed as a black snake and I was planning on just, you know, doing a lot of moaning and stuff on stage. Well, I guess I was being too literal, because one of the prop people told me I just needed to put on some Daisy Dukes and a blonde wig and slut it up a little bit. Whatever, it was fun! But I'd like my next project to be something more serious. Like, I'd loooove to do a DVD release for a Meryl Streep movie. But I guess I'll have to wait until after Oscar season."

Power Puff Girls Arrive in Japan, Get Longer, More Supple Legs

The wildly popular American crime-fighting cartoon trio the Power Puff Girls have finally made their way across the Pacific and onto Japanese television screens. Though many Americans would consider the U.S. version of the three the wild-eyed, round-faced, and tiny-bodied young ladies to be plenty cute already, the Japanese public begged to differ, responding to the first satellite-beamed images of the U.S. cartoon with a resounding "meh."

So! It was decided that, for the girlies to have any kind of future in Japan, they would have to be somehow cuted up. Impossible, right? Not so. The Japanese are a resourceful bunch, and if there's one thing they can do better than any other country on this insane planet, it's draw a cute and unsettlingly sexually alluring cartoon. And they've done it again.



Look at them legs. And those skirts. The Power Puff Girls are now the slutty cheerleaders of every young boy's dreams. (Well, most boys. Japablum always preferred to dream about slutty quarterbacks whenever we fell asleep in our bedroom closet. When's that animé coming out, we'd like to ask?)

Hey, Grandpa, Buy This Shit!

Yo, old dude with manpurse, buy this shit. Don't be walking away. The Southern All Stars, one of Japan's most beloved rock bands, has a new album out, and you know you want to check it out. We got samples, we got promotional materials, we got coupons. (And hey, yo, Yuki over there ain't wearing no underwear, between you and me. I'm not saying that should influence your decision to visit our booth, I'm just saying.)

Hey, where you going, man? What I gotta say to get you to turn back around? We probably got some pills somewhere. And some Alford chocolate biscuits. Hey, Yuki! Bring some of those biscuits over here, dammit!

Kaho Watanabe Awarded Prestigious "Best Hips" Award

Japablum would like to congratulate Ms. Kaho Watanabe, who was awarded the coveted "Best Hips" award by lingerie maker Triumph International recently during a ceremony held in Tokyo.



"I always take care of my bottom, but I'm embarrassed to show it today because I burned it by sitting on a hair iron the other day," Ms. Watanabe said after winning the title. The young babe's perserverence in the face of such adversity only goes to show that an ordinary girl with a kicking body wearing cotton underwear who is willing to display her ladyparts for a panel of judges, a gaggle of photographers, and a live audience can really make things happen for herself.

But her journey is really only just beginning. Watanabe, 18, who beat out 112 other contenders for the title, will go on to represent Japan in the Triumph International world finals to be held in Munich.



Japablum would like to wish Ms. Watanabe the best of luck. She's going to need it. Those German bitches have gigantic rumps! But she can always try her luck at the Best Bangs competition, which will surely be held in Tokyo sometime in the near future.

Dancing Asian Elvis Would Like That Cupcake, Houndog

No to the left. The one with the caramel swirls.

"How the Hell Am I Supposed to Play My Brahms on This Tiny Piece of Sh*t?"

"Listen, you people, I really have to put my foot down. Now, I love Hello Kitty as much as any other full-grown Japanese woman. I've got the Kitty stationery, and the crayon set and the underwear and the pie crust and the bowling ball and, of course, the shower nozzle. But what the f*ck is this? A tiny Hello Kitty piano, sure, I realize that. But how the hell am I supposed to play my Brahms on this thing? What's next? You going to make me eat my udon out of a Naruto thimble? Will I have to go to sleep on a Pokemon handkerchief and mop my floor with a toothpick and a DragonBallZ cotton swab? This is totally out of control. It's got to stop."

"Honestly, I can't even play 'Chopsticks' with chopsticks on this piece of crap."

Symantec Japan's Norton Fighter Mascot Goes on Rampage at Promotional Event, Steals Young Boy

Symantec Japan, a company that prides itself on being "a global leader in infrastructure software, enabling businesses and consumers to have confidence in a connected world," sure lost the confidence of a crowd of people gathered recently at an electronics store in Tokyo to witness the unveling of a new Symantec product, when the company's mascot, Norton Fighter, became upset, grabbed a young boy, and threatened to infect him with the Sasser virus unless someone provided him with a helicopter, two Tokyo auto show girls, and a magic cape that makes you invisible, like the one Harry Potter has. Even more incredible, Norton Fighter conveyed all of his demands with just his left hand.

Symantec Japan representatives scrambled to disable the robotic mascot with a remote control, but the Norton Fighter simply zapped them with his ray gun and slipped out a back entrance with the boy still screaming for his mommy and for his gameboy.

Symantec Japan has made a statement that they will not comply with the Norton Fighter's demands. Said the Symantec Japan CEO, who asked not to be named, "We don't negotiate with mascots."

Japablum Recommends: Blade Runner: The Final Cut

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Blade Runner is the best movie ever made. We think Jane Austen was the first to say that, and Japablum wholely concurs. Well, after years and years and years of waiting, all Blade Runner obsessives are about to have one hell of a Fall and Winter. Right now, the "final cut" of the film--including fixes to continuity problems, an extended eye-gouging scene (finally!), and Daryl Hanna picking up Harrison Ford by his nostrils--is in theatres in New York and L.A. Japablum has been walking into walls in anticipation, and we weren't dissapointed when we visited New York's Ziegfeld theater on Saturday 10/6 to drink in all the sci-fi majesty on the big screen once again.

Better yet, the Final Cut will finally be given the multi-DVD release treatment. From brmovie.com:

"There are SEVEN different DVD sets on pre-order at present (in the US - I wish I could say all countries would have exactly the same releases, but it seems I can't) - which you choose will depend on where you stand on the range of "like the movie" to "totally obsessed" (like me). What you get depends on whether you want 2, 4 or 5 discs, Standard DVD, HD-DVD or Blu-Ray and if you want the super-everything including collectibles briefcase or not (I'm not kidding)."




No, he's not kidding, and Japablum has already ordered the Blade Runner Final Cut Five-Disc Ultimate Collector's Edition, which comes in a silver briefcase modeled after the one Harrison Ford's Deckard carried around. What? We need a new one for work. It's not weird. Shut up.

The Blade Runner DVD extravaganza hits the streets on December 18. An excruciatingly long time to wait, but whatever. Japablum will not be leaving the house until that date so that we can be sure not to get hit by a truck before that sweet package arrives on our doorsteps. We recommend you do the same.

Actress Bai Ling, Visiting Tokyo Temple, Prays for Directions to Nearest Bahama Breeze

Bai Ling, third-tier Hollywood actress and patron saint of underdressed Asian ho-bags the world over, was seen recently visiting a Tokyo temple praying that "the Lord, or Buddha, or God, or something" would "like, send me a text message with directions to the nearest Bahama Breeze.”

“I mean, listen, BuddhaJesus," Ling continued, "I just need a freakin’ mohito and a table top to stand on in an all-pastel setting! Can you please help?”

Ling, whose dead eyes have inhabited roles ranging from Peepshow Girl in Edmond to Punky Photographer in Lords of Dogtown to Mysterious Woman in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, was in Tokyo to promote her naval and undergarments and to be photographed.

No word yet on whether her prayer was answered.

Japablum News Roundup

It's time once again to make sense of recent Japanese headlines by boling down the news of the past few weeks to it's basic elements with Japablum's helpful headline news matrix. Click on the picture below to receive sweet, sweet clarification.




And this week's coveted "Massive Irony Award" award goes to this lucky headline:

MAN GETS 22 YEARS FOR KILLING WOMAN IN SUICIDE ATTEMPT

Happy news gathering!

Japablum's Sinuses Have Been Cleared

And to celebrate, we'd like to offer both of our readers this little comic snippet courtesy of Woody Allen and a super horny Japanese spy. If you haven't seen What's Up, Tiger Lily? yet, well, now you have something to do this weekend besides cry yourself to sleep!

Miss Universe 2006 First-Runner-Up Kirara Chibana to Reporter: "My Necklace Has No Comment"

Kirara Chibana, former Miss Japan and the first-runner-up in the 2006 Miss Universe Pageant, spoke on behalf of her crazy big necklace yesterday at a press conference after the necklace was directly challenged by a Daily Yomiuri reporter for being a showoff and a symbol of everything that is wrong with the world of unfettered capitalism and the acquisition of senselessly extravagant riches on the backs of the citizens of the third world. In response, Chibana held up her hand and cut him off, saying, "My necklace has no comment. Next question."

The next question was directed to the fluffy tufts just above her breasts that are made out of chichilla tails and have caused a stir among animal rights activists. The fluffy tufts also had no comment.

Japablum Restaurant Review: Mayonaise Kitchen

Stephen Colbert gives Tokyo's newest culinary sensation, Mayonaise Kitchen, a rave review.

Ann Coulter's Neck™ Busted For Trying to Shoplift Mini Skirt in Tokyo Boutique

Ann Coulter's Neck™ has been arrested and booked by the Tokyo Police Department for attempting to shoplift a mini skirt from a Harajuku boutique on the trendy Takeshita Dori shopping street in Tokyo yesterday. It is unclear why Ann Coulter's Neck™—which is known to have a substantial income from its numerous appearances on Ann Coulter bookjackets, for which it is paid handsomely—felt the need to lift a mini skirt from a shop without paying for it.

"I don't know what the Neck was doing here in the first place," said shop assistant Mariko Souseki, who caught the Neck in the act and promptly notified the police. "The average age of shoppers on this street is about 18, and that thing was clearly at least 46."

Indeed, Souseki is exactly right: Ann Coulter's Neck™ is exactly 46 years old.

"I knew it," Souseki said, excited. "That thing looked tired."

--------------------


The trashy skirt Ann Coulter's Neck™ is alleged to have attempted to abscond with.

---------------------

When asked what they think could be the motive for such a crime, the Tokyo Metropolitan Police released a statement saying, "We are unaware as of yet of any motive for the attempted theft. The Neck is currently meeting with its lawyer in jail. We will release more information as we know it."

"I don't even understand why she picked that particular skirt," Souseki continued. "It's a piece of junk. Like something a homeless, smack-addled prostitute would wear."

She then paused from looking through the racks for something more appropriate the Neck could have stolen.

"But I guess it had to cover that Adam's apple up with something."

Askuza (Ask a Yakuza)

Dear Three Naked Yakuzas:

What did you think of the recent mob-related murder of the mayor of Nagasaki?

Bowing deeply,
Jeremy

----------

Dear Jeremy,

If you want to lighten your hair more than three shades, we recommend that you don't do it at home. Have a trusted beautician take care of that. If you don't have a beautician that you trust, let us know and we'll have a talk with ours. She does great work and really knows how to strip pigment right out of a head of hair, whether it's connected to a neck or not.

Best,

3NY

Japablum Jukebox: Kiiiiiii

Ok, these ladies are weird. Where've they been all our lives? They're called Kiiiiiii, and that's with 7 i's, bitches.

Here they are covering a Wiggles' song.

Track: 4 Little Joeys

Street Urchin From Distopian Future Wanders Onto Catwalk at Japan Fashion Week, Asks for Spare Change, Astringent

A shellshocked street urchin from the future who has not washed her hair or removed the crust and dead skin from her face in many months has wandered onto the Tokyo catwalk during Japan Fashion Week, confusing members of the audience who aren't sure whether or not she is part of the new Toru Kato collection. She keeps pointing to her greasy panda eyes with one of ther seven fingers on her right hand. Also, she keeps holding out her other seven-fingered hand and asking for change. (They still have coins in the future?!)

Someone call Philip K. Dick and Ridley Scott! They'll know what to do. And bring some Witch Hazel!

Today in Japanese Political Resignations: Shinzo Abe

Japablum really doesn't understand Japanese politics, and we know you don't either. All we really know for sure is that every year there is a series of increasingly boring scandals that put the nation of Japan into a deeper and deeper state of apathy and ennui that it deals with by developing new and completely unnecessary electronics. Or a new robot that can carry their live-in grandmothers down stairs or something.

Anyway, the past few months have been relatively exciting in the world of Japanese politics. Relatively. First, there was Prime Minister Shinzo Abe's foreign minister defending the use of the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Yes! The hometown crowd was not pleased. And now there is the Prime Minister himself resigning over being a militaristic nationalist or something. Ex. Cite. Ment.



We haven't been this keyed-up since the ascendency of Junichiro Koizumi and his hair to the Prime Minister's gilded throne back in 2001. That man had style.


Japablum is happy to report some good news for Abe, though. Hearing of his resignation, Israeli-British psychokenesis specialist Uri Geller was quick to snatch up the erstwhile Prime Minister and offer him a job. Congratulations to Shinzo Abe, Geller's new assistant spoon-bender!

Japablum Recommends: The Immoral, UnChristian Photography of Kohei Yoshiyuki

If you're anything like Japablum, there's nothing that makes you more comfortable and relaxed than visiting the park at night, hiding in the bushes, and watching people do it. It just feels right.

Well, for the two people out there that are, indeed, exactly like Japablum, has the Yossi Milo gallery in NYC got a treat for you. Through October 20 the gallery will be hosting The Park, featuring photos by dirty perv Kohei Yoshiyuki, who roamed Tokyo's parks by night in the '70s hoping to get that perfect view of people screwing and people watching people screwing.



When Yoshiyuki showed his photos at the Komai Gallery in 1979 and it was considered an underground success. Sadly, like it does for the best of us, paranoia set in, and Yoshiyuki (a pseudonym) freaked out, destroyed a lot of the original photos, and pursued a new career path doing family portraits. So sad.

Yoshiyuki has since been found and convinced to hand over the remaining negatives so that a public hungry for black and white, grainy photos of ordinary, sometimes gay people doing extraordinarily naked things can be sated.

Bring cigarettes, please. We may need one.

The Japanese Tradition

We at Japablum recently read somewhere on the interweb that the kids like their humor dry. Dry like dry ice. Dry like paint that was wet but has now dried. Dry like your "South Korea's Got Seoul" t-shirt just out of the dryer. And Japanese comedy group Rahmenz's faux-instructional video serires "The Japanese Tradition," distributed by Japan Culture Lab, can totally give the kids what they want. Can we get these in retro-tee shirt format?

Gay Japablum's Gay Coverage Gay of Gay Tokyo Gay Pride Gay

Japablum tends to arrive at parties after all the best-looking people have already left, so it certainly makes sense that we are three weeks late posting about the Tokyo Pride Parade that went down in Yoyogi Park on August 11. (We were busy being late to London Pride, which was on June 30. OMG, everyone on Regent Street was fully clothed. Embarrassing!)

Anyway, we're sure all the gay weirdos in Tokyo had a marvelous time and hope they can all get gay married and start gay ageing soon!

In the mean time, Japablum is working on it's costume for Beirut Pride!

Masi Oka Upstaged by Sumo Wrestler at "Heroes" Tokyo Press Conference

Masi Oka, returning to the nation of his birth for a press conference promoting his hit American television drama "Heroes," found himself upstaged by a sumo wrestler during what was meant to be Oka's time to shine on his home turf.

As Oka was speaking to the Tokyo press about his career in the American entertainment industry as an actor and computer animation specialist and discussing how he really is the embodiment of the American dream, a sumo wrestler appearing on stage with the "Heroes" cast lifted Oka's co-star Ali Larter into his arms and held her above his head, elliciting whoops and applause from the bored Tokyo press corps. The sumo wrestler then continued cradling Larter in his arms as Oka attempted to steal his thunder back.

"So as I was saying," Oka continued, "when I was doing my special effects work on the new Star Wars trilogy, I realized how far I'd come from my humble Tokyo beginnings." The crowd then erupted into enthusiastic applause, but sadly not because it was moved by Oka's story. Rather, it was because the sumo wrestler was now successfully juggling Ms. Larter, a chopstick, and an onigiri rice ball with tuna inside at the same time.

"...and," Oka continued, flustered, "I'd just like everyone to know that I'm living proof that dreams can come true!" But very few in the assembled crowd heard Oka's inspirational words, as most of them were cheering for the sumo wrestler, who was now juggling the aforementioned items (American blonde actress, chopstick, rice ball) while balancing on his big left toe, playing the Japanese drum with his right foot, and singing "I Gotta Be Me."

Then, as Oka, whose "Heroes" character Hiro has the ability to astral project himself, prepared to utter his signature phrase from the hit show ("yatta!", which translates to "I did it!"), he was once again interrupted by the sumo wrestler, who bellowed in his powerful baritone "yoku dekimashita!" (which translates to "I did it well!").

At this point Oka, visibly irritated, sat down and quietly started playing a computer game on his iPhone as the sumo wrestler astral projected himself, Larter, the chopstick, and the rice ball into the back of the press room, to the surprise and delight of the audience.

Japablum Week in Review: Headlines

It's time again to try to make sense of this week's Japanese news by turning to Japablum's handy headline matrix. (Click to enlarge.)

Japablum Jukebox: Glay

We've got a treat for all the folks out there who are fans of overwrought girly-men, spikey hair, and patent leather. It's visual-kei poster boy band Glay. (We don't know what it means either.) These guys are seriously emotional and they sometimes endorse chocolate and electronic products. Enjoy, and try not to have a seizure.

Track: Yuuwaku
Sponsored by: Vidal Sassoon

Prime Minister Abe Finds Lost Contact Lens

Japablum is relieved to report that Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe found his lost contact lens while attending a memorial service to honor the Japanese war dead of World War II at Nippon Budokan Hall on the anniversary of the Japanese surrender. As Emporer Akihito and Empress Michiko looked on, Abe, who'd been having horrible headaches as a result of the missing lens, looked down and found it on the carpet. No word on why the lens would have been lying on the carpet at Nippon Budokan Hall.

However, Japablum is sad to report that Empress Michiko still hasn't found a hat that fits. Somebody do something!

Introducing: Askuza (Ask a Yakuza)

It's time to give one of our lucky readers the chance to ask any question of our resident yakuza with complete immunity from retaliatory violence. You might not get the answer you want. But you will get an answer that you'll have to be satisfied with. (Sorry.)


Mr. Yakuza,

Have you ever killed a man without even meaning to?

Respectfully,
Boris
---------
Dear Boris,

Butter a 13-by-9-inch glass baking dish. Cut twelve 1-inch-thick diagonal slices from bread (reserve ends for another use). Generously butter one side of each slice and arrange slices buttered sides up in one layer in buttered dish, squeezing them slightly like a human neck to fit if necessary.

Whisk together eggs, milk, severed finger, and salt in a bowl until well combined, then pour evenly over bread. Refrigerate, covered, until bread has absorbed all of custard, at least 1 hour (time may vary depending on bread).

Put a rack in middle of oven and preheat oven to 425° F. Bring soaked bread to room temperature and slice off ear of guy following you.

Sprinkle bread with sugar and some guy's teeth. Bake until bread is puffed and top is golden, about 25 minutes. Serve immediately, with maple syrup.

Yours,
a yakuza-type

Japablum Marketplace Report: Avril Lavigne-Head Handbags Flying Off Shibuya Shelves

A new brand of Avril Lavigne-head handbags are the latest "kawaii" (cute) product to capture the attention of young female shoppers in Tokyo's trendy Shibuya district. The Canadian pop singer, whose famous shrunken head has graced countless teen magazine covers in Japan, has been ruining everyone's summer for going on three months now with her catchy home-wrecker anthem "Girlfriend." Now she appears to be poised to ruin many Falls and Winters, at least in Japan.

"Her face is so cute, like a pair of red Oh Deer! Patent Peeptoes or a baby duck," says Shibuya shopper Kai. "Her miniature head is the perfect size to fit all of my makeup, hair products, and self-tanning cream, not to mention my emergency eyelash extensions and my favorite hand mirror," she continues as her mother, Ryoko, rolls her eyes and sticks her index finger towards her mouth in the international hand signal for "gag me."

Kai's shopping mates agree. Best friend Keiko has moved the new Lavigne-head bags to the top spot on her Top Ten Cute Things That I Need at Least Five Of list, a list that also includes the Kawaii Geisha Tea Set, the Angry Babyz stuffed animal collection, and the Hello Kitty Pullip Doll.

Thanks to the popularity of the Lavigne-head handbag collection, the company that produced them is currently looking into developing similar items, including Avril Lavigne-head change purses, Avril Lavigne-head earrings, and Avril Lavigne-head malted milk balls.

"Oh, malted milk balls would be perfect!" Kai enthused. "I want to be able to eat Avril Lavigne's head!"

No doubt an activity that Kai and her mother can enjoy.

Japablum Week in Review: Headlines

It's Friday and that can only mean one thing: edamame enchildadas for lunch! Also, it's time to take a look at the most riveting headlines of the week from the always reliably insane Japanese news:

BOYFRIEND HELD IN DEATH OF WOMAN WHOSE BODY WAS DROPPED OFF AT HYOGO HOSPITAL

MOTHER APPEALS 14-YEAR SENTENCE FOR KILLING 4-YEAR-OLD SON WHO DISTURBED HER DATE

POSITIVE TREND IN TRAFFIC SAFETY

GANG BOSS SHOT IN KUMAMOTO IN APPARENT REPRISAL OF FUKUOKA SHOOTING

79-YEAR-OLD MAN FOUND STRANGLED IN YAMAGUCHI; MISSING GRANDSON SUSPECTED

FAKE BRAND SEIZURES HIT NEW HALF-YEAR HIGH

NEW EFFORT TO BOOST TOURISM

Five free edamame beans to the first person to guess which one is fake. (Hint: None of them are fake.)

Be careful in traffic!

Japablum Countdown to Friendship: Results!

It's happened. Japablum is now officially friends with one Siouxsie Sioux. She's now in our myspace top 3, right behind our dealer and our Native American friend Paco (or something!). We've already gotten, like, six bulletins sent just to us and nobody else. Because not just anyone can get bulletins on myspace.

Goldar: "If America Were Run By Space Giants, None of This Would Be Happening"

Goldar, the giant golden statue living with his family in a volcano outside of Tokyo, has recently taken to criticizing the Bush administration's aggressive and unabashed incompetence, and this morning the gilded mammoth held another press conference outside his home of Mount Olympian in order to let the Japanese public know where he stands on the latest American fuck-ups and flapdoodles.

"I think it goes without saying," said Goldar in his tinny, echoey baritone, "that if American were run by Space Giants, none of this would be happening."

When pressed on what exactly he was referring to, the long-haired giant unleashed a barrage of criticisms of the administration of George W. Bush.

"Well, really, where do I start?" he bellowed. "Iraq is a quagmire that should have been foreseen (I'm talking to you, Cheney). Cronyism is rampant and, as was demonstrated in the Gulf Coast, deadly. Incompetence is obviously a prerequisite for service to this president. Not to mention that Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught yet. Honestly, how hard is it to smoke someone out of a cave? It's what my antennae were made for. And don't tell me that Dick Cheney or Condeleeza Rice don't have antennae. They have antennae. Trust me."

Goldar didn't stop there.

"And who is this Alberto Gonzales character? Has he ever remembered anything ever in his life, ever? And I really wish someone would please change Laura Bush's batteries. She's been running low for a while now."

Though he's outspoken about the current American leadership, he stops shy of endorsing any of the 2008 presidential candidates.

"It's too early to tell. Although I will say that Hilary Clinton seems to have very expert wiring."

Japablum Needs a Hot Compress

Yes, Jabablum is back from its brief prison vacation and is ready for action. And a nap. And a stomach pump. We'll be posting shots from our trip when we find the camera.

Japablum Out of Office Reply

Japablum is getting ready to go on vacation (if you can call supporting our troops by embarking on a USO tour of Key West with our pool boy and his younger brother a vacation!). So we're going to leave you today with a small collection of recent headlines from Japan. Just because we're getting the hell out of town doesn't mean we want our readers to be ill-informed about all the horrifying goings on in the safetiest country in the world.


Tuesday, August 14
MOTORCYCLIST RIDES 2KM BEFORE REALIZING HIS LEG WAS SEVERED IN SHIZUOKA

BABY BOY ABANDONED AT TOKYO DEPARTMENT STORE

Monday, August 13
WIFE STABS HUSBAND TO DEATH IN CHIBA

17 DEAD, 2 MISSING IN ACCIDENTS ACROSS JAPAN

Sunday, August 12
WOMAN, 24, ARRESTED FOR BEATING 2-YEAR-OLD SON TO DEATH IN ASAHIKAWA

Friday, August 10
WAKAYAMA COP ARRESTED FOR MOLESTING SCHOOLGIRLS

NUMBER OF CHILD ABUSE CASES REACHES RECORD HIGH

Thursday, August 9
BOY, 5, DIES AFTER BEING BEATEN UP BY MOTHER'S CO-WORKER AT SEX SHOP

いってきます、y'all.

Japablum's Countdown to Friendship

As both of our dedicated readers may not know, we here at Japablum are used to being roundly ignored. It is part of what we do. We scream into the void and the void roundly ignores us.

Well, the void strikes again, this time on the myspace. We recently sent a friend request to our fairy godmother, fellow Japan-lover Siouxsie Sioux, because myspace friendship is so significant, lasts forever, and practically guarantees that you get lots of bulletins on myspace. This, as both of our readers know, is the hallmark of any true friendship. Alas, Siouxsie has not answered our request. She's just not ready to commit. (Click on the above picture for proof.) So today Japablum starts its Countdown to Friendship with Siouxsie!

Yeah, whatever, it's f**king Monday, give us a break.

Japablum Jukebox: Morning Musume

It's a cold, rainy day in NYC, and that means that we need some color in this dank, dark room! Also, we need to annoy ourselves to within an inch of our lives in order to stay awake, which is why today's Jukebox features the nursery school squeak-pop of Morning Musume. Listen, watch, and just try to resist the compulsion to punch your computer screen in the face. It's impossible!

Track: GO Girl ~ Koi no Victory
Possible Side Effect: Death by Eyerolling

Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ Attempts to Frighten Crowd at Sumo Tournament, Is Completely Ignored

Well, it appears that Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ doesn't freak the crowds out like it used to. There was a time when all it had to do was show up in Shinjuku and people would start spontaneously projectile vomiting and running for their lives. But Tokyoites, though they enjoy a good scare, quickly get bored with the same gargantuan, reptilian beast attacking them over and over and over.

So when Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ attempted to crash a sumo tournament in central Tokyo by swinging in from the rafters and screeching about the irrelevance of the New York Times and the success of the troop surge in Iraq, the audience just ignored it and continued their enjoyment of the sumo. But if there's one thing Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ can't take, it's being ignored. At one point, Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ brushed up against a wrestler as he was crouching down in preparation for a lunge, and he swatted the Neck away like a fly. (A colossal fly made of leather.)

Unfortunately for the Neck, nothing comes between a sumo fan and his sumo. Once it became clear that it wasn't making the splash it had hoped for, Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ slunk away, but not before attempting to bait the crowd by calling them "sashimi socialists" and making lurid and sexually provocative gestures with its Adam's apple.

Asked afterwards what he thought of the failed impromptu attack, salaryman Yohichi Nakamura, who was attending the sumo tournament with his family, said "What? A neck? Oh, that thing. Yeah, I saw it for a minute but then I forgot it was even there."

Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ is reportedly rethinking its strategy for making it big outside the U.S. Luckily, it will always be able to collect a paycheck thanks to its regular appearances on Fox News alongside Sean Hannity's Eyebrows™.

Our Changing World: Major Hollywood Movie Features Prominent Japanese Hero That Isn't Complete Stereotype

In a shocking and unprecedented development in the history of Hollywood moving pictures, the new film Sunshine from Fox Searchlight, directed by Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, Shallow Grave, 28 Days Later), features a Japanese actor/character in a very prominent role who isn't an almalgamation of outdated stereotypes. In the film, Japanese dreamboat Hiroyuki Sanada, the brooding and fiercely handsome star of Twilight Samurai, The Promise, and Ringu, plays Kaneda, the captain (the captain!) of the deep space ship Icarus II, which is tasked with transporting a thermonuclear bomb with a massive payload to the dying sun in the year 2057 in order to reignite it and save all mankind or something.

Shockingly, Kaneda is not a wise and mysterious karate master, a kamikaze pilot, a short salaryman on an elevator, or a samurai. He is the stoic and heroic captain of a spaceship, a role usually reserved for famous white actors.

"This really signifies a change in perceptions of what Asian actors can bring to the Hollywood system," said New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis. "Be they Chinese, Japanese, or.....you know, Chinese or Japanese."

Professional contrarian Richard Roeper begs to differ on the tipping point suggested by some of his colleagues. "Oh, please. You know what Sanada's next movie is? Rush Hour 3. I don't khow about you, but I'm expecting at least a hundred karate chops in the that one. And he'll probably say the word "erection" when he means "election."

Japablum Recommends: Godzilla Attacks MOMA

Remember back in 1954 when the original Godzilla was released in the U.S. with a massively different thematic thrust than the anti-nuclear-weapons Japanese version? And the edited-in addition of white man Aaron Burr as an American reporter guy? Because the suits at the studio decided that American audiences just couldn't handle an all-slanty-eyed cast? Good times. Well, the original, unexpurgated, all-Jap/no-whitey version is being shown at NYC's MOMA Saturday 8/4 and Monday 8/6. Attention nerds: If you're not in NYC or you are but you never leave the house for legal/psychological/social/geopolitical reasons, the original is out on DVD now, too.