Sunday, December 31, 2006

Japablum Reminder: You Can't Trust a Chinese Scorpion

As this gigantic year winds to a close, Japablum would like to remind both of its readers that, even though we are all grownups now, we should never forget the good solid advice our mothers gave us when we were in our twenties:

1. Don't leave the house without putting on clean underwear.
2. Forgiveness is good but revenge is real good.
3. Don't ever try on jeans that came from China without looking inside them with a flashlight first.

This last one is expecially appropriate in light of recent events. Memorize it, because not all scorpions are friendly!



Your welcome,

Japablum

Friday, December 29, 2006

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Japablum Exclusive: Takeshi Kitano Announces His Top 5 Mammals of 2006


Celebrated comedian, filmmaker, and director Takeshi Kitano has just released his annual Top 5 Mammals list, and it is a strong reminder that 2006 was a great year for mammals across the land. So without further ado, heeeeeeeere's Takeshi!

#5. KITTENS IN COFFEE CUPS

Takeshi Kitano: I'm not usually a big fan of stuffing kittens into salad bowls or sock drawers or air conditioning vents to snap a cute picture of them, but these two look as if they were MEANT to be in those coffee cups. Look at them. It's as if they've just hatched from two gorgeous porcelain eggs, ready to rub their eyes, stretch their legs, and maybe kill a few squirrels and dump them on my ex-girlfriend's doorstep.

#4. BABY PANDAS

TK: Did you know that there is some debate among zoologists about whether pandas are bears, racoons, or their own unique species? I did not know that.

#3. EXISTENTIAL MONKEYS

TK: I'm really drawn to mammals that appear to have a really substantial interior life, like they're living their lives primarily inside their heads. This guy here, he reminds me of myself in such films as Brother, Hanabi, and Battle Royale. What's going on behind those pensive eyes?

#2. HAMSTERS!

TK: These little critters are key-yoot! Who wouldn't want one? Show me someone who doesn't want a fluffy little hamster. I'll shoot him dead.

#1. BEYONCE

TK: Hands down, the mammal of the year. Did you see Dreamgirls yet?

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Happy Merry Christmas from Japablum!


Remember, Japanese Santa is just like America's Santa, except he's not as fat and he practices aikido, so those milk and cookies better be good!

Have a new year!

Sincerely,

jpblm

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Special Japablum Non-Japan-Specific Bombshell: Life Ain't Fair, God Don't Care


Six years ago today, the great singer-songwriter Kirsty MacColl died while swimming off the coast of Mexico with her children.

Meanwhile, this bitch


this bitch


and this dumb bitch


ARE STILL ALIVE

Rest in Peace, Kirsty. Japablum loves you.

www.justiceforkirsty.com

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Oh, It Is On: Krispy Kreme Opens First Store in Tokyo, Plans Fight to the Death with Mister Donut


This is gonna be fun (and delicious!) to watch. Japablum's prediction: the winner will be the corporate giant with the best bean paste filling.

Play fair, ladies!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Mika Kano, Japan's New Ministress of Hosiery, Answers Your Questions


Dear Mika-chan:

You are so cute. I can't believe you're only 39! Anyway, I am trying to figure out what I'm going to wear to my big office Christmas party. I don't want to be too scandalous, so I was thinking of just wearing this frilly thing my mom used to dress me in when I was, like, 4 and then getting a stringy blonde weave. What do you think?

Signed,
Betty in Bratislava


Dear BiB:

What you propose is fine. Just make sure you will not be upstaged by your hosiery. For this purpose, I recommend perhaps a stringy RED weave.

Have fun!

Saturday, December 9, 2006

Japablum Editorial: This is not a Sport, by Japablum


Now, we here at Japablum are manic pole smokers and speedo fanboys with rippled-abs-centric worldviews. That means we know better than anyone what makes a truly great Olympian athlete. So, in light of the recent Asian Games in Qatar, which a few short weeks ago we didn't know existed (and that you've just now found out about), we are compelled to ask: should an ununiformed person pointing a gun and shooting it be considered a competitive athlete?

The answer, of course, is no, and here's why: lifting, aiming, and shooting a gun doesn't necessitate even one trip to the men's locker room. Not one. And that, folks, means it is not a real sport.

The locker room visit is a necessary staple of all bonafide sports, and real athletes know that. Who among them doesn't look forward to waltzing into that musty, steamy, man-scented terrarium, undressing in front of his teammates, perhaps enduring a few playing towel snaps on the baby-soft bubble butt, and then strapping on the kleets and/or spandex for a little friendly competition? And then the showers. Who doesn't look forward to that?

So, to recap:

ATHLETE (hey, Craig!)


NOT AN ATHLETE




ATHLETES


NOT ATHLETES




ATHLETES


(alluringly greasy, but still) NOT ATHLETES

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Breaking: Son of Godzilla Lactose Intolerant!





____________________




If you see him, do not give him ice cream!

2006 Asian Games Shocker: Things Get a Little Gay.....




.....when Madonna, Ute Lemper, and Faye Wong step out of the same horsedrawn hovercraft to the pulsating beat of Gina G's "Ooh Ahh Just a Little Bit."

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

2006 Asian Games Judo Judge: "Masahiro Takamatsu Thinks He's So Great"


"I could do that. If I wanted to. Would the crowd roar and shriek with unbridled excitement? No, probably not. But I could do it. With a springboard. And a trampoline. I could. I'm not impressed, Masahiro. Pick your teeth with your pinky toe. Then I'll cheer. You jerk."

Saturday, December 2, 2006

The Teriyaki Boys Are Having a Party. Can You Bring the Okonomiyaki?


Sideways caps are optional. Giant-star-emblazoned hoodies are not.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Does Bono Ever Stop Giving??



In a move that no one saw coming, international humanitarian sensation and shaded eyeware enthusiast Bono donates his signature black wrap-around sunglasses to new Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.

"I go where I am needed," the singer said. "It is very bright in Japan. Very bright."

I think little Ryuji, below, speaks for all of us.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Japablum Sports Report: Japan Trounces Tunisia at Volleyball World Cup (or something) in Biggest Volleyball Upset of the Week!


Now Captain Masaji Ogino (L) will lead us in the traditional post-match Japanese National Volleyball Anthem sing-a-long. (Hint: it's just the word "volleyball" sung over and over to the tune of "The Sukiyaki Song") Who's got the pitch pipe?!

Award Season Update: Citizens of Japan vote Paris Hilton World's Cutest Ho-bag Skank!


Congratulations, Paris! Pop a cork--if you haven't already :)!
photo: Mike Abundo

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Bitch, shine my shoes!


Sadly, Japan ranks 79th in a global report measuring the extent to which women in polled countries have achieved equality with men. Happily, Japan ranks first in the availability of individually wrapped cookies! Go Nihon!


Size Queen


Singer Kumi Koda has been named one of the "Nail Queens" of 2006 by the Japan Nailist Association. In related award news, she was also named "Worst Cashier Ever" by the equally formidable Japan Cashier Consortium.

Yes, the mannequins are quietly judging you


Article from New Zealand about a new, scary breed of mannequins developed by a Tokyo firm that, in addition to being inhumanly skinny, are also back-stabbing, double-crossing bitches.

Play Ball!


This is actually old news, but we had to post it simply because there really aren't enough Japanese baseball/gay porn scandals, you know?

That old chestnut


So what do you do when you've just been busted for holding a woman hostage for months and repeatedly raping her? Ah yes, the old schizophrenia defense.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Old Man Running



Big deal. I mean, he's had 95 years to train.