Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Japablum Punts: Cornelius Pitchfork Interview



The overly analytic snobs over at Pitchfork Media, who will happily examine a pop song's every nook and cranny until it's no fun for anyone anymore, look up from the Xiu Xiu tattoo on their navel to upload a new interview with Japanese pop maestro Cornelius.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Only 10 Days Left Before Kiyomizu Temple Wipes the Floor With Jesus!



Everyone, put down the bong and hide the Cliffs Notes. It's time to be culturally significant. There are only 10 more days to vote on the next 7 Wonders of the World, and Japan's very own Kiyomizu Temple in Kyoto is up for one of the seven slots. It faces 20 other wannabees, including Brazil's Christ the Redeemer statue, New York's Statue of Liberty, the Easter Island figures, England's Stonehenge, and China's Great Wall. Vote now! You don't want Kiyomizu to lose to a bunch of communist Druids, do you?

Monday, June 25, 2007

Rush Limbaugh Drops in on Tokyo's Tsukiji Fish Market, Makes a Mess



Rush loves fresh tuna. Deep fried. With cheese and lots of mayo.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

OMG Dept: Yellow Magic Orchestra Reunites to Save the Earth!



Great news! Japanese electro-pop band Yellow Magic Orchestra, the brains behind such 80s synthesized treasures as "Expecting Rivers," "Wild Ambitions," and "Firecracker" (we know things!) is reuniting for a concert you can't go to to play songs you've never heard of in your life! (A life that is so, so empty.) Yes, they'll be playing the Live Earth concert on July 7 in Kyoto alongside British composer Michael Nyman. Will they make an album? Will they wear matching golden and glittery tuxedos? Will they each play a keyboard solo? Find out when the DVD is released at some point in the future time!

In the mean time, click this.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Japablum Jukebox: Uniqlo Mixplay Thingie



It's time to get weird and random. Here is some sort of Uniqlo promotional dance video-type thing we found on the youtubes. Attn: Uniqlo, we hope to get a polo shirt out of this. White or gray, or actually, no, navy blue. We don't have navy blue. And, we're not sure what hifalutin name you have for them, but we like the stretchy kind.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Curiosity Corner: Heroes' Masi Oka in People Magazine's "Hottest Bachelors" Issue



We here at Japablum appreciate Masi Oka's stardom because we think all socially awkward nerds deserve to be featured in glossy celebrity weeklies. And now there's something to really celebrate: Oka-san, everyone's Asian best friend from high school, is listed among the hottest bachelors in the land. So what does this hunk of Japanese manmeat have to say for bookish brainiacs like his good self in his essay on page 125?

"Smart guys are going to make every relationship exciting, not just emotionally but physically because there are things that a creative mind has over just a hot smoking body."

Ok, we're doubtful, but go on....

"Yes, I am not the most muscular guy, but I can make any woman feel at ease."

Like chocolate or cheese.

"And also, women won't have to feel so conscious about themselves when they are with smart guys."

Or when they're wasted.

"I mean, I like to work out, but I don't want to be a gym rat. I would rather spend two hours hanging out with my partner."

You like to work out? Ok, then, how about a compromise? One hour, forty-five minutes at the gym, fifteen minutes with your partner. Free blowjobs at New York Sports Club on 23rd and 8th........

"I would rather have believed in someone and get hurt than live life with distrust."

Hmm. You're losing us. Maybe make an offhand reference to your smooth, sinewy thighs? Unbutton your top button? Put down the algebra book and make a muscle?

"I think smart guys make better boyfriends."

Sadly, we've already got one of those. Anyone got any cheese?

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Japablum Recommends: Mr. at Lehmann Maupin Gallery, NYC



We do realize that, sadly, most of our readers are in prison, but repeat offenders need plans for the weekend, too! And who doesn't want to see giant three-dimensional manga figures with pools for eyes staring excitedly at them? Moreover and in addition, who doesn't want to see manga paintings of adolescents in varying states of undress? In conclusion, who among us doesn't have a Lolita complex? (We don't, but you probably do!)

The Japanese artist known simply as "Mr." has an exhibit currently on at the Lehmann Maupin gallery in Chelsea, NYC, and there are enough smiley youngsters with smooth, supple skin on display to give you an ice cream headache.

Bring all your friends who haven't left the house since Comicon!

Japablum Jukebox: Denki Groove



This video by Anglophilic dance act Denki Groove reminds Japablum of that dream we had a few weeks ago when we ate too much Octopus 'n Sardine Lasagna right before bedtime.

Track: Flashback Disco
Rating: Three and a half dancing daisies

Friday, June 15, 2007

WTF Dept: Bruce Willis Named Honorary Chief of Terrorism Task Force



We generally don't like to post about dome-headed Hollywood stars two days in a row, but this must be reported. Note: This is not a joke. It's totally real. Bruce Willis has been named honorary chief of the special task force for cyberterrorism by the National Public Safety Commission in Tokyo.

We don't know what this means, but it doesn't sound right. What's next? Cybil Shephard as the honorary assistant to the president of the organization for dating unhinged taxi drivers named Travis Bickle?

Hmm. That's actually something we could get behind. So never mind.

Carry on, Bruce.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Bruce Willis Flies to Tokyo to Defuse Bomb Implanted in Maggie Q's Pancreas by Terrorists



OMG! The Mac Guy was sent to help with any of his audio-visual needs!

Monday, June 11, 2007

Update: Ann Coulter's Gargantuan Nuclear Neck Attemps to Commandeer Japan Rail Train, Demands Exfoliating Cream, End to Liberal Media/Sodomy



The long, labyrinthine neck of Ann Coulter is at it again. Recently seen terrorizing Tokyoites in Shinjuku and picking a fight with the Big Buddha in Kamakura, the neck has now set its site on Tokyo's mass transit system. Swinging onto platform 12 of Shinjuku Station, the neck attempted to commandeer an east-bound Yamonote line train. It is still not clear what the neck's intent was.

"That giant oozing neck? It just started bellowing about liberal faggots, dirty immigrants, and anal sex," said Yoshi Yamamoto, the operator of a kiosk on the platform. "Didn't make any sense. And what's wrong with anal sex?"

"Nobody really knows what that neck wanted," remarked Kyoko Hasegawa, a young shopper dressed in a pink tutu and matching bikini top and Easter bonnet. "It was trying to get control of the train, but if that horrible greasy neck thought it was gonna take that train anywhere but where it was scheduled to go, it was sadly mistaken. Nobody fucks with a Japanese train timetable."

Indeed, the Neck was not able to gain control of the train. The doors closed before it was able to enter and, because of the Neck's slick and slimy surface, it simply slid off the side of the train as it left the station and headed south toward Yoyogi.

"Funny that Ann Coulter's Neck chose the Yamanote line," said Keiko Tanaka, an office lady who was waiting for the train when the attack happened. "It's the circle line. It just goes around and around and around. Kind of like Ann Coulter's Neck's bitching."

Friday, June 8, 2007

Japablum Jukebox: Ego-Wrappin'



You know when you first heard a song by Puffy Amiyumi or Morning Musume and all that squeaky singing (squeanging?) made your brain fill up with pus? Well, Ego-Wrappin’ are the antidote for all that. Like a tall, cool drink of water washing down a couple of diazepam, they will soothe you. And dang if this bitch can’t sing.

Track: 老いぼれ犬の口笛
Groove: Mellow

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Japanese Tourists Better Than Most



It's an embarrassment of riches for Japan these days. First they win Miss Universe, then they're voted fifth most peaceful nation, and now the tourists they export are celebrated for being the best in Europe, according to a new survey of European hoteliers. In specific categories, the Japanese were judged to be the best behaved, the quietest, the most polite, and the least complaining. They were also second only to Americans in the amount of money spent and second only to the Germans in cleanliness (What?).

The Japanese were also voted class clown, best school spirit, and most likely to succeed. The French were voted biggest bitches. Japablum was voted biggest suck-up and most likely to have a nervous breakdown. Congratulations us!

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Last Week's News Today: Japan Ranked 5th Most Peaceful Nation



This was actually announced last week, but we get our newspapers by boat, so it takes us a while sometimes: Japan has been ranked as the Fifth Most Peaceful Nation in a new report done by The Economist Intelligence Unit and some guy named Steve.

Some might say that this is a great honor for Japan, but all we can say is: this is some bullshit. Fifth? Fifth?! Japan just won Miss Universe, bitches! Not Miss World. Miss Universe. We say it's time for Japan to challenge all those pussy-ass nations that outranked it--Norway, New Zealand, Denmark, and Ireland--to an all-out battle royale, where they all must convene on an island with one weapon each and three days to off each other in the ultimate contest to see once and for all who the f**k is the most peaceful nation in the world.

Beat their hippie asses, Japan.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Japablum's Cure for the Monday Blues



Yes, it's another dreary Monday morning. We know how you feel because we feel it too. To keep ourselves from jumping out our first-floor window at the beginning of every week, we need to be reminded of the beautiful things in life, however briefly. This week we're going to pass on the good vibes. Because nothing makes Japablum feel better than the site of grinning young men chumming around together with barely any clothes on.

Happy Monday.




Ahhhh, that's better.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Japablum Jukebox: The Creatures



Japablum celebrates the recent birthday of our fairy godmother Siouxsie Sioux this week with her homage to the misunderstood and really quite charming Japanese nuclear monster Godzilla. She's accompanied by two fellow creatures Budgie (her hubbie, ex of the Banshees) and former Kodo drummer Leonard Eto on drums. Lots and lots of drums.

Track: Godzilla
Translation: Gojira