Goldar, the giant golden statue living with his family in a volcano outside of Tokyo, has recently taken to criticizing the Bush administration's aggressive and unabashed incompetence, and this morning the gilded mammoth held another press conference outside his home of Mount Olympian in order to let the Japanese public know where he stands on the latest American fuck-ups and flapdoodles.
"I think it goes without saying," said Goldar in his tinny, echoey baritone, "that if American were run by Space Giants, none of this would be happening."
When pressed on what exactly he was referring to, the long-haired giant unleashed a barrage of criticisms of the administration of George W. Bush.
"Well, really, where do I start?" he bellowed. "Iraq is a quagmire that should have been foreseen (I'm talking to you, Cheney). Cronyism is rampant and, as was demonstrated in the Gulf Coast, deadly. Incompetence is obviously a prerequisite for service to this president. Not to mention that Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught yet. Honestly, how hard is it to smoke someone out of a cave? It's what my antennae were made for. And don't tell me that Dick Cheney or Condeleeza Rice don't have antennae. They have antennae. Trust me."
Goldar didn't stop there.
"And who is this Alberto Gonzales character? Has he ever remembered anything ever in his life, ever? And I really wish someone would please change Laura Bush's batteries. She's been running low for a while now."
Though he's outspoken about the current American leadership, he stops shy of endorsing any of the 2008 presidential candidates.
"It's too early to tell. Although I will say that Hilary Clinton seems to have very expert wiring."
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