Attack of Gigantic Fat Cheney Head Comes to Violent, Adorable Conclusion

The giant, fat, oily Cheny head that has been terrorizing the city of Tokyo for the past week was finally felled last night by beloved local cutey, Tare Panda, who swooped down on Cheney as he scaled Tokyo Tower and wrestled him to the ground after he tried to bite the head off of Astro Boy.

Though the fallout from Fat Cheney Head-gate could mean trouble for the diplomatic relationship between Japan and the United States--especially if Astro Boy decides to sue--the citizens of the city are right now more concerned about commencing the rebuilding of their city after such a brutal attack from a fire-breathing monster. Again.

Prime Minister Abe's office released a statement expressing sadness at Vice President Cheney's completely wild descent into madness, canibalism, and infanticide, and pledged to call a hault to all state visits to Japan by Bush administration officials in order to avoid the devestation and carnage that has been left in the wake of Cheney's meltdown.

"As a preemptive measure against further attacks," Abe explained, "no member of the Bush team will be allowed in. Especially Condoleeza Rice. I mean, can you imagine? (Shudder)."

Moreover, Abe continued, Japan's diplomat to the United States, Ryozo Kato, has been given the ok to leave his shoes on when he visits U.S. officials' houses.

"Tit for tat," Abe said. "It's only fair."

Meanwhile, Tare Panda, already a wildly popular Japanese pop culture icon, is said to be forming an exploratory committee to investigate a possible run for higher office.

Rinko Kikuchi, Oscar Runner-up, Doesn't Want Your Fucking Pity

Yeah, whatever, she doesn't care. Just get her a fucking drink, all right? And don't be bringing any of that cheap shit. God may have wanted Jennifer Hudson to win Best Supporting Actress, but he also happens to have ordained that Rinko get completely shit-faced off of some damn Diaka or something after the ceremony, all right?

And don't be assuming that just because she lost an Oscar to a first-time actress that can sing means that she won't be back in a few years with another excellent performance worthy of the Hollywood stamp of approval. Oscar will be sucking on her nipples like a fucking Everlasting Gobstopper before she's through with him.

It's like, yeah, motherfucker, she's fine.

Japablum Oscar Predictions

Welcome to Japablum's guide to what will happen tonight during Hollywoods glitziest, glamourousest, most studded night since the LA premier of Wild Hogs.

Best Picture

Letters from Iwo Jima

Letters from Iwo Jima, Clint Eastwood's harrowing and heart-wrenching meditation on the lives of soldiers fighting a war they know they will lose; a film that, though it is almost completely in Japanese and has under its sympathetic gaze men whose mission is to kill American soldiers, captured many hearts in the great U.S. of A.; a film that featured spectacular performances from Ken Watanabe as conflicted General Tadamichi Kuribayashi and Kazunari Ninomiya as out-of-his-depth young baker Saigo--this film will not win the Academy Award for Best Picture.

Best Supporting Actress

Rinko Kikuchi, Babel

Ms. Kikuchi gave one of the most jaw-dropping performances of the year as a young deaf Tokyo high school girl who is reeling from the death of her mother and the onslaught of her blossoming sexuality. Kikuchi's performance—which you can't take your eyes off of and deserves all kinds of awards—will absolutely not be recognized with the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress. She may get buck naked in the movie, which the Academy always loves, but she's up against Jennifer Hudson. Sad.

Breaking: Giant Fathead Cheney Attack Getting Out of Hand

This really is becoming a problem. The impotent Japanese government has simply stood by as America's most powerful ever Vice President ravages the city of Tokyo looking for stray babies to feed on. Will the appetite of this sebaceous, bloat-tastic Cheney head ever be sated?

And now he's trying to take over Sophia Coppola's favorite hotel, the Park Hyatt! Where Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson didn't make love! This will not stand. But what can we at Japablum do? We're just a blog.

Where's Astroboy when you really need him?

Japablum Jukebox: Advantage Lucy

A jingly jangly chunk of bliss for you courtesy of Japanese indie pop band Advantage Lucy.

Track: グッバイ
Translation: さよなら

Japanese Prime Minister Abe: Attack of Big Cheney Head "In Its Last Throes"

In a defensive statement Thursday in the wake of American Vice President Dick Cheney's morphing into a giant head and scowering Tokyo for freshly born Japanese babies after being denied them by government officials, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe appeared at a press conference in Shinjuku to calm the frazzled nerves of Tokyo residents and assure them that Dick Cheney's big fat head would soon exhaust itself and collapse.

"Fellow Tokyoites, the bitter violent attack by this gigantic, jowly Cheney head, I would say, is in its last throes."

Citizens of the Shibuya district begged to differ this morning when the swollen, unctuous, disembodied head scuttled from behind a Tsutaya CD and video store and started blowing smoke out of its ears and telling them all to go fuck themselves.

"Prime Minister Abe should have been in Shibuya this morning," Shibuya resident Yoko Okonomiyaki said to an NHK reporter just before his cameramen was swept up by Cheney's slick and slimy tounge and swallowed whole. "He doesn't know what he's talking about," she continued. "Does anything he say turn out to be true? I swear to God."

The globular, shiny Cheney head was last seen circling the city atop a Yamanote line train, screaming that everyone's questions about his lesbian daughter are completely out of line.

Cheney to Unidentified Japanese Officials Upon Deplaning: "Feed Me Babies"

American Vice President Dick Cheney shocked Japanese officials sent out to greet him as he deplaned at Narita Airport Tuesday when he took one of them firmly by the hand and demanded that he be fed fresh Japanese babies before he would consent to meet with any member of the Japanese government.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Vice President, I..." stammered the unnamed official.

"You heard me, pipsqueak," cajoled Cheney. "You want America on your side?"

"Well, actually, no..."

"Then serve 'em up, chump!"

He then pulled out his American Flag bib, a bottle of Heinz 57, and a plastic fork and knife, and returned to his seat on the plane.

Developing.....

Japablum Editorial: Masaya Kato is a Very Handsome Man, by Japablum

The Japablum editorial board disagrees on exactly what kind of "hot" Japanese movie star Masaya Kato is. Some insist on "brutally"; others think "crazy"/"f**king crazy" while still others will settle for nothing less than "existentially." But no matter what adverb best suits one's needs and state of mind, they all invariably lead us to the same end: we all wanna hit that. And, indeed, some among us want that to hit us.

Because Masaya Kato is a very handsome man.

And in this crazy, upside-down, topsy-turvy world, we at Japblum are happy to have finally found one thing that everyone who attends our monthly editorial circle jerk can agree on.

Folding T-Shirts with Japablum

Don't ever say we here at Japablum have no wisdom to pass on that we got from someone else. To wit, this shit:

Zen And The Art Of Clothes Folding

See more like this on kontraband.com

When Nobu the School Bully Sees What My Robot Can Do, He Just Might Think Twice About Giving Me Swirlies in the Boy's Locker Room Toilets

That's right. My robot won't take any dang shit from anyone. Nobu and his gang of thugs might be able to give me wedgies in gym, shove me pantless into the girl's bathroom, and smear me with Crisco, wrap me in cellophane, and leave me out in the main quad to be kicked, poked with sticks, spat upon, and, worse, completely ignored by all the other kids with absolutely no fear of retaliation from the likes of me.

But, fuck dammit, my robot is a different story. He'll kick all their asses and they better watch out, because he's taking names and saving them in his hard drive. And I'm backing that shit up on an external G-drive, motherfuckers.

Japablum Jukebox: Polysics

A soft, soothing, sun-kissed lullaby to start your weekend. Yay, uniforms!

Track: Electric Surfin' Go-Go
Number of Japanese afros featured: 1

Small English Conversation School in Japan No Longer Interested in Learning English from the Likes of Britney Spears

I guess it's for the best, y'alls.

Oscar Nominee Rinko Kikuchi Can't Seem to Keep Her Clothes On

We're just sayin'.

Culture Report: Annual Japanese Shit Bath Held in Hakone

Surely the most mysterious of all esoteric Japanese customs, this ritual is held in a different Japanese shithole each year. 2007's shithole is Hakone, one of the most popular hot springs resort towns in the country. The shitbath, or "kusofuro," is taken as a way to mortify and purify the body simultaneously in anticipation of the coming of the cherry blossoms. Or some such.

For the record, Japablum isn't down with this shit. This shit is wack. We're shit scared. What kind of shit is this?

And what are you hoping to see with those goggles, little girl?

This is the Last Time Japablum Asks Its Tai Chi Instructor for Directions

Sensei, we really appreciate what you're doing. We don't understand it, but we appreciate it. We've only been coming to this class for a few weeks and, you know, slow learners and all that. You want that we should search inside ourselves or something, right? Or search outside ourselves? Are we close?

Anyway, all we asked was where the closest ATM is. Honestly, your silence and mysterious hand gestures are a little frustrating. Should we go north? South? Downstairs? Up to the roof? Are you inviting us to live long and prosper? What?

Please, sensei. We're not ready to get deep right now. We just need cash. If you can't give us better directions than that, we'll just ask the front desk.

A Celebration of Japanese Lesbianism

A chocolate statue of two ladypops going at it was unveiled in Tokyo this week. On hand was Japablum's own bodacious advice columnist Mika Kano, right, whose soft, supple, seldom unphotographed body was used as a model for the two chocolate mufftroopers. So in a way, a chocolate-covered Mika Kano is doing it with herself. Japablum's head is exploding.

On hand for the unveiling were Prime Minister Abe, his entire cabinet, the entire male membership of the Japanese Diet, including every last man from the House of Representatives and the House of Councillors, and every male member of the Japanese citizenry from Hokkaido to Kyushu. There were also a few Russians.

Japablum was the only attendee that brought a fork and a glass of milk.

Japablum Jukebox: Kahimi Karie

Japablum knows what you want. You don't have to tell us. You want more helium-voiced skinny Japanese bitches. Here you go.

Song: Good Morning, World
J-Pop Cringe Factor: Low

Japablum Explainer: The Japanese Flag

The Japanese flag features a big red dot over a completely white background. In Japanese it is known as Nisshoki ("sun flag") or Hinomaru ("sun disc"). This big red dot is meant, of course, to represent the rising sun. It can also represent an LP, a frisbee, or a dish bought at Target.

It is very easy to make your own Japanese flag, which you can then display in your room between your "Bela Lugosi's Dead" poster and your wall-length black and white photo of Chairman Mao. All you need is a sheet of white construction paper, a compass (the circle must be perfectly round), and the blood of an innocent to fill the circle in with. (This innocent cannot be a hamster; hamsters are sacred in Japan.)

Sometimes you might want to change the color, because you might think that red is outdated and boring. Try aqua. Or eggshell. (You could use real eggshells.) Or, I don't know, newsprint color. We can't be expected to think of everything.

Keep in mind that creativity is one thing, but tradition is another. The disc must be shifted left of the centerpoint by 1%. Please remember this. If you fail to do this, the Japanese government WILL find you.

Osaka Planning to Ruin Lives

Look at this poor woman. She's barely holding on to her emotional stability as it is. And now Osaka is hoping to make things worse for this sad-eyed boneyard with their new proposed ban on smoking on the city's streets. This in the most smoker-friendly country in the world.

Japablum thinks this would be not unlike the United States banning the eating of bacon cheeseburgers while walking up Fifth Avenue. (Come on, who doesn't do that?) What is up with these commies?

And, more importantly, what is poor panda eyes gonna use now for an appetite suppressant during those long, aimless zombie-walks through town?

Mika Kano, Japan's Ministress of Swimwear, Stilettos, and Six-Shooters, Answers Your Questions

Dear Mika: You have such long legs! Where did you get them? Anyway, I was wondering. Which pet do you think would attract a better, longer-lasting man: a goldfish or a housetrained duck? Signed, Lonely in Latvia ********* Dear LiL: Men are pigs. I'm sorry, I mean men like pigs. Get a pig. Good luck and have fun!

Japablum Jukebox: Supercar

Japablum would like you to selfishly enjoy this video that we selflessly embedded in this posting. It is by sadly departed Japanese musical grouping Supercar and is directed by Gen Sekiguchi, who we hear is an excellent director of commercials. One thing is for sure: he knows how to get the most out of skinny bitches and pasty white boys.

Song title: White Surf Style 5
Title Meaning: Not telling

Enjoy and don't mention it!

Shocker: Foreign English Teachers in Japan Use Drugs

Well, this is just awful. A drug bust in Tokyo involving Americans, Australians, cannabis, and sweet sweet cocaine. Most shocking of all, they're NOVA teachers. Pillars of foreign society working for a company that is beyond reproach. In American terms it would be like an Olive Garden employee smoking a joint during his break out behind the dumpster--unthinkable!!

But all we here at Japablum can think about is the devastation left in the wake of such an international disaster. Because if there's one thing Japablum can't countenance, it's the waste of unsmoked doobies and unsnorted booger sugar.

Though Still Excited to Get Autographs, Yuki and Her Friends Can't Help But Think Leo Should Really Lay Off the Gyudon

Even though they've waited their whole lives to glimpse dreamy American actor Leonardo Dicaprio in person, Yuki and her friends Yuka and Yoko couldn't ignore the cold, fat facts staring them in the face when they encountered Mr. DiCaprio during his Tokyo press junket for The Departed.

"The bloat is undeniable," said Yuki later to frustrated nods of agreement by her likewise disenchanted friends.

"Think about Titanic," Yoko sulked. "He was so wispy and girly. Like a man should be."

"I know, right?" Yuka agreed. "Now he's just a gigantic mound of epidermal ooze."

"So sad," sighed Yuki, checking out DiCaprio's fat penmanship in her autograph book. "It's like Judd Nelson all over again."

Japablum Jukebox: Tokyo in the 70s with Yellow Magic Orchestra

Wow. It's just as we remember it: swirling rainbow and candy-colored sky, triangle-shaped traffic tunnels, a ubiquitous three piece electronic band following you around. Not to mention all the crazy lightbulbs. And we completely forgot that Tokyo Tower used to double as a space shuttle. (How could we have forgotten that?)

Those were the days.

Beloved Toy Manufacturer Nissan is Having a Sale

This week and this week only: Buy any two weird fluffy dolls and get half off the new Nissan Pino minicar, available in blue, pinkeye, jaundice, and avacado. Act now and they'll throw in a tall pink table lamp with black polka dots.