Japablum Jukebox: Glay

We've got a treat for all the folks out there who are fans of overwrought girly-men, spikey hair, and patent leather. It's visual-kei poster boy band Glay. (We don't know what it means either.) These guys are seriously emotional and they sometimes endorse chocolate and electronic products. Enjoy, and try not to have a seizure.

Track: Yuuwaku
Sponsored by: Vidal Sassoon

Prime Minister Abe Finds Lost Contact Lens

Japablum is relieved to report that Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe found his lost contact lens while attending a memorial service to honor the Japanese war dead of World War II at Nippon Budokan Hall on the anniversary of the Japanese surrender. As Emporer Akihito and Empress Michiko looked on, Abe, who'd been having horrible headaches as a result of the missing lens, looked down and found it on the carpet. No word on why the lens would have been lying on the carpet at Nippon Budokan Hall.

However, Japablum is sad to report that Empress Michiko still hasn't found a hat that fits. Somebody do something!

Introducing: Askuza (Ask a Yakuza)

It's time to give one of our lucky readers the chance to ask any question of our resident yakuza with complete immunity from retaliatory violence. You might not get the answer you want. But you will get an answer that you'll have to be satisfied with. (Sorry.)


Mr. Yakuza,

Have you ever killed a man without even meaning to?

Respectfully,
Boris
---------
Dear Boris,

Butter a 13-by-9-inch glass baking dish. Cut twelve 1-inch-thick diagonal slices from bread (reserve ends for another use). Generously butter one side of each slice and arrange slices buttered sides up in one layer in buttered dish, squeezing them slightly like a human neck to fit if necessary.

Whisk together eggs, milk, severed finger, and salt in a bowl until well combined, then pour evenly over bread. Refrigerate, covered, until bread has absorbed all of custard, at least 1 hour (time may vary depending on bread).

Put a rack in middle of oven and preheat oven to 425° F. Bring soaked bread to room temperature and slice off ear of guy following you.

Sprinkle bread with sugar and some guy's teeth. Bake until bread is puffed and top is golden, about 25 minutes. Serve immediately, with maple syrup.

Yours,
a yakuza-type

Japablum Marketplace Report: Avril Lavigne-Head Handbags Flying Off Shibuya Shelves

A new brand of Avril Lavigne-head handbags are the latest "kawaii" (cute) product to capture the attention of young female shoppers in Tokyo's trendy Shibuya district. The Canadian pop singer, whose famous shrunken head has graced countless teen magazine covers in Japan, has been ruining everyone's summer for going on three months now with her catchy home-wrecker anthem "Girlfriend." Now she appears to be poised to ruin many Falls and Winters, at least in Japan.

"Her face is so cute, like a pair of red Oh Deer! Patent Peeptoes or a baby duck," says Shibuya shopper Kai. "Her miniature head is the perfect size to fit all of my makeup, hair products, and self-tanning cream, not to mention my emergency eyelash extensions and my favorite hand mirror," she continues as her mother, Ryoko, rolls her eyes and sticks her index finger towards her mouth in the international hand signal for "gag me."

Kai's shopping mates agree. Best friend Keiko has moved the new Lavigne-head bags to the top spot on her Top Ten Cute Things That I Need at Least Five Of list, a list that also includes the Kawaii Geisha Tea Set, the Angry Babyz stuffed animal collection, and the Hello Kitty Pullip Doll.

Thanks to the popularity of the Lavigne-head handbag collection, the company that produced them is currently looking into developing similar items, including Avril Lavigne-head change purses, Avril Lavigne-head earrings, and Avril Lavigne-head malted milk balls.

"Oh, malted milk balls would be perfect!" Kai enthused. "I want to be able to eat Avril Lavigne's head!"

No doubt an activity that Kai and her mother can enjoy.

Japablum Week in Review: Headlines

It's Friday and that can only mean one thing: edamame enchildadas for lunch! Also, it's time to take a look at the most riveting headlines of the week from the always reliably insane Japanese news:

BOYFRIEND HELD IN DEATH OF WOMAN WHOSE BODY WAS DROPPED OFF AT HYOGO HOSPITAL

MOTHER APPEALS 14-YEAR SENTENCE FOR KILLING 4-YEAR-OLD SON WHO DISTURBED HER DATE

POSITIVE TREND IN TRAFFIC SAFETY

GANG BOSS SHOT IN KUMAMOTO IN APPARENT REPRISAL OF FUKUOKA SHOOTING

79-YEAR-OLD MAN FOUND STRANGLED IN YAMAGUCHI; MISSING GRANDSON SUSPECTED

FAKE BRAND SEIZURES HIT NEW HALF-YEAR HIGH

NEW EFFORT TO BOOST TOURISM

Five free edamame beans to the first person to guess which one is fake. (Hint: None of them are fake.)

Be careful in traffic!

Japablum Countdown to Friendship: Results!

It's happened. Japablum is now officially friends with one Siouxsie Sioux. She's now in our myspace top 3, right behind our dealer and our Native American friend Paco (or something!). We've already gotten, like, six bulletins sent just to us and nobody else. Because not just anyone can get bulletins on myspace.

Goldar: "If America Were Run By Space Giants, None of This Would Be Happening"

Goldar, the giant golden statue living with his family in a volcano outside of Tokyo, has recently taken to criticizing the Bush administration's aggressive and unabashed incompetence, and this morning the gilded mammoth held another press conference outside his home of Mount Olympian in order to let the Japanese public know where he stands on the latest American fuck-ups and flapdoodles.

"I think it goes without saying," said Goldar in his tinny, echoey baritone, "that if American were run by Space Giants, none of this would be happening."

When pressed on what exactly he was referring to, the long-haired giant unleashed a barrage of criticisms of the administration of George W. Bush.

"Well, really, where do I start?" he bellowed. "Iraq is a quagmire that should have been foreseen (I'm talking to you, Cheney). Cronyism is rampant and, as was demonstrated in the Gulf Coast, deadly. Incompetence is obviously a prerequisite for service to this president. Not to mention that Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught yet. Honestly, how hard is it to smoke someone out of a cave? It's what my antennae were made for. And don't tell me that Dick Cheney or Condeleeza Rice don't have antennae. They have antennae. Trust me."

Goldar didn't stop there.

"And who is this Alberto Gonzales character? Has he ever remembered anything ever in his life, ever? And I really wish someone would please change Laura Bush's batteries. She's been running low for a while now."

Though he's outspoken about the current American leadership, he stops shy of endorsing any of the 2008 presidential candidates.

"It's too early to tell. Although I will say that Hilary Clinton seems to have very expert wiring."

Japablum Needs a Hot Compress

Yes, Jabablum is back from its brief prison vacation and is ready for action. And a nap. And a stomach pump. We'll be posting shots from our trip when we find the camera.

Japablum Out of Office Reply

Japablum is getting ready to go on vacation (if you can call supporting our troops by embarking on a USO tour of Key West with our pool boy and his younger brother a vacation!). So we're going to leave you today with a small collection of recent headlines from Japan. Just because we're getting the hell out of town doesn't mean we want our readers to be ill-informed about all the horrifying goings on in the safetiest country in the world.


Tuesday, August 14
MOTORCYCLIST RIDES 2KM BEFORE REALIZING HIS LEG WAS SEVERED IN SHIZUOKA

BABY BOY ABANDONED AT TOKYO DEPARTMENT STORE

Monday, August 13
WIFE STABS HUSBAND TO DEATH IN CHIBA

17 DEAD, 2 MISSING IN ACCIDENTS ACROSS JAPAN

Sunday, August 12
WOMAN, 24, ARRESTED FOR BEATING 2-YEAR-OLD SON TO DEATH IN ASAHIKAWA

Friday, August 10
WAKAYAMA COP ARRESTED FOR MOLESTING SCHOOLGIRLS

NUMBER OF CHILD ABUSE CASES REACHES RECORD HIGH

Thursday, August 9
BOY, 5, DIES AFTER BEING BEATEN UP BY MOTHER'S CO-WORKER AT SEX SHOP

いってきます、y'all.

Japablum's Countdown to Friendship

As both of our dedicated readers may not know, we here at Japablum are used to being roundly ignored. It is part of what we do. We scream into the void and the void roundly ignores us.

Well, the void strikes again, this time on the myspace. We recently sent a friend request to our fairy godmother, fellow Japan-lover Siouxsie Sioux, because myspace friendship is so significant, lasts forever, and practically guarantees that you get lots of bulletins on myspace. This, as both of our readers know, is the hallmark of any true friendship. Alas, Siouxsie has not answered our request. She's just not ready to commit. (Click on the above picture for proof.) So today Japablum starts its Countdown to Friendship with Siouxsie!

Yeah, whatever, it's f**king Monday, give us a break.

Japablum Jukebox: Morning Musume

It's a cold, rainy day in NYC, and that means that we need some color in this dank, dark room! Also, we need to annoy ourselves to within an inch of our lives in order to stay awake, which is why today's Jukebox features the nursery school squeak-pop of Morning Musume. Listen, watch, and just try to resist the compulsion to punch your computer screen in the face. It's impossible!

Track: GO Girl ~ Koi no Victory
Possible Side Effect: Death by Eyerolling

Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ Attempts to Frighten Crowd at Sumo Tournament, Is Completely Ignored

Well, it appears that Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ doesn't freak the crowds out like it used to. There was a time when all it had to do was show up in Shinjuku and people would start spontaneously projectile vomiting and running for their lives. But Tokyoites, though they enjoy a good scare, quickly get bored with the same gargantuan, reptilian beast attacking them over and over and over.

So when Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ attempted to crash a sumo tournament in central Tokyo by swinging in from the rafters and screeching about the irrelevance of the New York Times and the success of the troop surge in Iraq, the audience just ignored it and continued their enjoyment of the sumo. But if there's one thing Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ can't take, it's being ignored. At one point, Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ brushed up against a wrestler as he was crouching down in preparation for a lunge, and he swatted the Neck away like a fly. (A colossal fly made of leather.)

Unfortunately for the Neck, nothing comes between a sumo fan and his sumo. Once it became clear that it wasn't making the splash it had hoped for, Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ slunk away, but not before attempting to bait the crowd by calling them "sashimi socialists" and making lurid and sexually provocative gestures with its Adam's apple.

Asked afterwards what he thought of the failed impromptu attack, salaryman Yohichi Nakamura, who was attending the sumo tournament with his family, said "What? A neck? Oh, that thing. Yeah, I saw it for a minute but then I forgot it was even there."

Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ is reportedly rethinking its strategy for making it big outside the U.S. Luckily, it will always be able to collect a paycheck thanks to its regular appearances on Fox News alongside Sean Hannity's Eyebrows™.

Our Changing World: Major Hollywood Movie Features Prominent Japanese Hero That Isn't Complete Stereotype

In a shocking and unprecedented development in the history of Hollywood moving pictures, the new film Sunshine from Fox Searchlight, directed by Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, Shallow Grave, 28 Days Later), features a Japanese actor/character in a very prominent role who isn't an almalgamation of outdated stereotypes. In the film, Japanese dreamboat Hiroyuki Sanada, the brooding and fiercely handsome star of Twilight Samurai, The Promise, and Ringu, plays Kaneda, the captain (the captain!) of the deep space ship Icarus II, which is tasked with transporting a thermonuclear bomb with a massive payload to the dying sun in the year 2057 in order to reignite it and save all mankind or something.

Shockingly, Kaneda is not a wise and mysterious karate master, a kamikaze pilot, a short salaryman on an elevator, or a samurai. He is the stoic and heroic captain of a spaceship, a role usually reserved for famous white actors.

"This really signifies a change in perceptions of what Asian actors can bring to the Hollywood system," said New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis. "Be they Chinese, Japanese, or.....you know, Chinese or Japanese."

Professional contrarian Richard Roeper begs to differ on the tipping point suggested by some of his colleagues. "Oh, please. You know what Sanada's next movie is? Rush Hour 3. I don't khow about you, but I'm expecting at least a hundred karate chops in the that one. And he'll probably say the word "erection" when he means "election."

Japablum Recommends: Godzilla Attacks MOMA

Remember back in 1954 when the original Godzilla was released in the U.S. with a massively different thematic thrust than the anti-nuclear-weapons Japanese version? And the edited-in addition of white man Aaron Burr as an American reporter guy? Because the suits at the studio decided that American audiences just couldn't handle an all-slanty-eyed cast? Good times. Well, the original, unexpurgated, all-Jap/no-whitey version is being shown at NYC's MOMA Saturday 8/4 and Monday 8/6. Attention nerds: If you're not in NYC or you are but you never leave the house for legal/psychological/social/geopolitical reasons, the original is out on DVD now, too.

Japablum Language Lesson: 日本とアメリカのマクドナルド

Koichi-san visits an American McDonalds to compare it with the McDonald's in his homeland. Listen closely and answer the questions, flunkies.

1. The size of the Big Mac in the US is ______________ the size of the Big Mac in Japan.

a. larger than
b. the same size as
c. Americans are so fat

2. A medium drink in this American McDonald's is the same size as ____________ in a Japanese McDonald's.

a. a medium drink
b. a large drink
c. the kitchen and break room combined

3. What do Americans like to have with their fries?

a. ketchup
b. ice cream
c. more fries, another burger, a milkshake, and a blowjob

4. Japanese McDonald's are _________ than American McDonald's.

a. funnier
b. cleaner
c. sexier

5. Aren't meaningless quizzes fun?

a. yes! can i have my underwear back now?
b. no, you're so freaking gay.
c. did you say something, grandma?


video from tofugu.com