Are You There God? It's Us, Japablum

God, we haven't been in touch in a while. How are you? Anyway, the reason we're calling out to you in a fit of desperate emotional turmoil is because we've been trolling the internet and we've just discovered some truly shocking and upsetting news: you know how Siouxsie Sioux and her husband/drummer Budgie are our fairy godmother and -godfather, respectively? Well, we hear from the internets that they're separating after a quarter-of-a-century together. Could this possibly be true, God? Answer us! We don't want to be a blog of divorce, a latchkey blog, a blog that is forced to spend its weekends with one fairy godparent who will invariably just spend the whole weekend trying to turn us against the other fairy godparent. It just all sounds so horrible, and we'd much rather spend our weekends listening to "Happy House!"

Even worse, Siouxsie has a new album coming out soon--her first solo album ever--and it is her first album in 27 years to not feature Budgie. Flow Our Tears, the Policeman Said. Or something. Anyway, God, can you tell us, is the album gonna rock?

Siouxsie and Budgie. The two coolest Japanophile nerds ever. Separating. We feel, how do you say, 悲しい。 Yes, we feel complete and total 悲しみ。



(Sound of tears bursting forth from eye sockets and dribbling down cheeks.)

Dita von Teese Visits Tokyo to Teach Women How to Be More Severe, Angular, Translucent

Celebrated burlesque performer and ex-wife of 36-year-old brooding teenager Marilyn Manson recently visited Tokyo to do her famous martini glass routine and instruct Japanese women how to be less cherubic and round-faced and more sharp-featured, angular, pale-faced, and frightening.

"We have so much to learn from her," said Japanese bombshell and famous-for-something-or-other (and Japablum's periodic advice columnist!) Mika Kano. Though Kano and her sister Kyoko could most certainly beat von Teese to death with their bulbous breasts without breaking a sweat, the two agreed that their weird American sensei does have advantages of her own.

"Her face is so narrow and sharp," explained Kyoko. "It could probably cut glass. I want my face to be able to cut glass, too."

"Me too," intoned Mika. "And I also want my face to be visible from space!"

At press time there was no word from Ms. von Teese on the plausibility of this second proposal, though she was quoted as saying she "would be happy to help" with the whole cutting glass thing.

True Blue-era Madonna Mirage Appears at Kyoto's Kinkakuji Temple, Stunning Onlookers

A bizarre occurrence yesterday at the grounds of the famous Kinkakuji temple, ("Temple of the Golden Pavilion") in the historic Japanese city of Kyoto has many locals and tourists buzzing about supernatural intervention in the country's former capital. At approximately 2:30 Wednesday afternoon, the face of American pop star Madonna appeared on the surface of Mirror Pond in front of the temple, confounding visitors and temple staff and causing ripples of curious laughter to travel through the crowd.

Interestingly, it was not a contemporary image of the singer--say, one of her engaged in some kind of Kaballah pose or even a still from her celebrated film Swept Away--that appeared amidst the picturesque trees and the gilded temple structure. It was from the cover of the singer's True Blue album during her '80s heydey, when the top ten singles seemed to fall like raindrops from the sky and before she went all Eurotrash.

"I'm so excited!" exclaimed visitor Yuka Yamazaki. "True Blue is my favorite Madonna album!"

Workers at the temple struggled to keep the stunned public in order.

"Please, folks, keep the line moving!" shouted one tour guide. "It's not like it's the Confessions on a Dance Floor album art where she's all spread eagle in a leotard!"

Kinkakuji press officer Ryuji Okajima said that a group of experts, including meteorologists, phycologists, and Madonna's publicist, have been called in to try to determine how this may have happened.

In the meantime, the temple is enjoying the surge of interest in the Golden Pavilion.

"We all knew Madonna was good at promoting herself," Okajima commented. "But who knew she'd be so good at promoting a golden buidling that houses relics of the Buddha!"

Boxers Decide to Stop Fighting, Buy a House in Connecticut, Open Dog Grooming Shop

It was round twelve of sweaty, hairless, man-on-man pounding during the World Boxing Council's flyweight championship in Tokyo when, nearly obliterated by their palpable sexual frustration, the two combatants—Daisuke Naito of Japan and Pongsaklek Wonjongkam of Thailand—in a move that has shocked the world of pro boxing, both decided that they just couldn't deny their feelings any longer. The men stopped the fight, embraced, and declared that they would both quit boxing, buy a house "somewhere in Connecticut, probably," and open a dog grooming salon called "Doggy Style."

"I love this man, that's all I know," gasped Naito through a flood of blood and tears. "We can share the champion belt, put it over our bed or something."

The big question on everyone's wagging tongues is, of course, will the two professionals quit boxing completely, and if not, would they ever go head-to-head again, and if so, would they do it naked on pay-per-view or provide a downloadable podcast file or something?

"Right now I think we're tired of fighting," said Wonjongkam, smacking Naito on his tight, tight ass.

Japablum would like to offer our heartfelt congratulations. We also would like to request from the two lovebirds explicit, uncensored photos for the Greatest Moments in Gay Boxing coffee table book we're working on.

Today in Gaysian Preacher Stereotyping: Rob Schneider

You didn't think that innocuously doughy and white Hollywood actors of the 1950s (see Rooney, Mickey; "Breakfast at Tiffany's") were the only ones who had the license to portray Japanese men as sexless, retarded doofuses, did you? Well, if you did, D-list half-Filipino Rob Schneider, who makes an appearance in the new somehow-not-straight-to-video Adam Sandler movie "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," is here to change your mind. And he adds a little spice to the mix this time: the sexless, retarded Japanese doofus is gay! And a preacher who performs same-sex ceremonies! And living in Canada! Hilarity!

Thankfully, Schneider retains the oversized glasses so his audience of knuckle draggers will know without a doubt the esteemed tradition of funloving Asian stereotyping that his performance belongs to.



Arigato, Rob-san!

Japablum Recommends: Paprika

You know how drugs are sometimes too scarce or expensive or unprescripted? And how your dealer is completely unreliable and sometimes doesn't return your calls for hours?! We've got the solution. Get yourself down to the local cinemaplex and see the new Satoshi Kon movie "Paprika." It will make your brain hurt so good. The complicated plotline may elude you in parts (or totally!), but it's a feast for the bloodshot eyes, and features the most wonderfully demonic gigantic porcelain doll we've ever seen.

Today's Display of Anime: Girl With Mouth That Overtakes Her Chin

We must be honest. This picture makes Japalbum's head hurt. It really does. It's not the gigantic eyes, the negligible nose, or the overall jack-o-lantern quality of the presentation. Naturally, it's the crazy long mouth. Is that a football stuck to her face or is she just happy/terrified to see us? (Or both?) Why does it need to be so large? What is it trying to convey? Is it planning an invasion of her whole head? We're confused by it.

Newly Crowned Winners of "Japan's Got Talent!" Hope to Record Album, Get a Sitcom

The robot singing and dancing trio Ummei no Imoto no Roboto ("Destiny's Younger Sister's Robot"), new champions of the televised talent competition "Japan's Got Talent!", have announced that they hope that they can parlay this win into some lucrative gigs like a record deal, a theme restaurant, and maybe even a sitcom.

The trio, which performed the song "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend (Was a 'Bot Like Me)?" in its final performance before the voting, were made by Kawada Industries, the company that will also negotiate their record contract, endorsement deals, television appearances, Maxim photo spreads, romantic entanglements, and every other aspect of the members of Destiny's Younger Sister's Robot's public lives.

"It's so exciting!" beemed band member TS-1097TY876 at a post-show press conference. "The world has really opened up for us. And even though we can't make any of our own decisions and can be turned off and reprogrammed at any moment by Kawada Industries, the most brilliant company in the history of the world, we think this is just the beginning!"

Japablum Jukebox: Japanese R.E.M

This week Japablum would like to send you off on your weekend of broken friendships and lousy sex with this 90's R.E.M. ditty performed (visually) by a much sexier crew in Japan.

Track: Crush With Eyeliner

Japan Unveils It's Latest, Greatest Weapon in the War on Terror

Today the Japanese government unveiled its most potent and deadly weapon yet in the international war on terror: it's a stuffed Hello Kitty doll fully enveloped within a stuffed panda bear. Sinister.

Moreover, Japablum has obtained exclusive access to secret Japanese government plans that outline its intention to drop these new Hello-Kitty-in-a-Panda dolls over strategic locations within the next few days with the intention of cute-ing the evil-doers to death.

Take it from Japablum, the power of these dolls cannot be overestimated. We passed out in a Hello Kitty store once and were out cold for days. Thankfully we were rescued by Deborah Harry and wisked away to St. Thomas to recuperate while Debbie serenaded us with all her greatest hits (her solo hits, but still, hits! sort of.), and we sustained no permanent injuries. But oh, the nightmares.

Checking In With: Ryuji, Sex Doll Inspector

Japablum: Hi, Ryuji! How've you been? Busy, we bet!

Ryuji: Yes, I am constantly on my toes, as it were.

J: Ever on your knees? (winking, nudging, giggling)

R: On my knees? What do you mean? Why would I be on my knees?

J: So, do you ever talk to the dolls?

R: No, except for Kumi, I don't talk to them much. It's not really part of my job. I mostly spend my time jiggling their breasts to make sure they're firm enough. Sometimes I have to squeeze them.

J: And do you also have to occasionally rub and wiggle your face between them?

R: Oh yes.

J: What's the hardest part of your job?

R: Sometimes I get a stiff back.

J: Do you ever get the feeling that the dolls are all belittling, laughing at, and/or talking smack about you behind your back, like, say, when you leave the room for lunch?

R: No! Why? Have you heard something? What have you heard?

J: After looking at these beautiful fake women day in, day out, do you ever find yourself thinking that real women just don't cut it, that they just talk too much and are way too emotionally needy and have tiny tits?

R: Yes!

J: Which one is your favorite doll?

R: Kumi.

J: Oh, Kumi. She's cute! How much is she?

R: She's not for sale.

Japablum Recommends: The Boredoms at Brooklyn Bridge Park

Hey kids, you like drums? Well, Japan's seminal noise experimentalists the Boredoms are playing a free show at Brooklyn Bridge Park with 77 drummers on 7/7/07, this Saturday. Read more here. Japablum will be there autographing breasts and butts, so come and say hello!

Tragedy: Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi Loses Hot Dog Eating Contest to Guy with No Nickname

This is so sad. Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi, six-time winner of Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, has been toppled by a guy who doesn't even have a decent nickname. Joey Chestnut, from California or something, pulled ahead in the final moments of the 12-minute competition when Kobayashi suddenly felt like he was going to throw up and lost some valueable time trying not to. (We've been there.)

Kobayashi's trajectory from underdog (get it?) to top dog (get it?) to a still respectable second...dog (....get it??) should be an inspiration to us all. And we didn't realize that the secret to rock-hard abs is ingestion of obsene amounts of red tubular meat. We're redoubling our efforts!

Fukuoka's Very Own Yone Minagawa Named World's Oldest Woman

Yone Minagawa of Fukuoka Prefecture, pictured above in her garden in Fukuchi city, is officially the world's oldest woman, according to Britain-based Guinness World Records. Japablum would like to offer it's congratulations and a list of its top three most nutritious easily swallowed foods:

(3) Miso Soup
(2) Chicken Broth, and
(1) Nutella!

Now, Yone, we don't recommend swallowing them all at once, but you're the world's oldest woman, so you do what you want!

Ann Coulter's Neck Becomes Dangerously Large, Threatens Tokyo Bay's Artificial Island Odaiba with Stadium-Sized Adam's Apple

Just when Tokyoites thought it was safe to leave the house to queue up for an iPhone, Ann Coulter's Neck, which had launched a series of bizarre and random attacks on the city last month before retreating to its subterranean lair, reappeared this evening larger than ever and seemingly ready to rumble. It appears that Ms. Coulter's recent war of words with U.S. presidential candidate John Edwards's wife Elizabeth Edwards on MSNBC's Hardball program has had an effect on her neck not unlike anger had on Bill Bixby in the '70s.

"I didn't think it was possible for that woman's neck to get any larger," said Odaiba Starbucks employee Ryunosuke Okajima. "Did you see it last month in Shinjuku? It was the size of the goddamn Milky Way."

The Tokyo Metropolitan Police has sent an emergency S.O.S. to Goldar, a giant golden statue with special powers who lives in a volcano outside the city. "We're hoping he has some contacts that he can milk," said Tokyo police chief Yoshi Honda. "I know he used to be pretty close with Astro Boy, but I'm not sure if they're still in regular contact."

Whatever happens, the citizens of Tokyo are desperate for a hero right now.

"This bitch's neck is just fucking huge. I mean, it's ridiculous. How big can it get?!" said shocked onlooker Yoko Takahashi, shielding her 3-year-old from the gargantuan display of horrific right-wing skin.

"Ugh, fucking gross," said high schooler and professional Harajuku girl Aiko Yamashite, flicking her Hello Kitty cigarette lighter. "It smells like cigarettes, cheap gin, and natto."

It is hoped that Coulter's Neck will deflate after colliding with the torch of the fake Statue of Liberty replica in front of the Aqua City shopping mall.