Just when Tokyoites thought it was safe to leave the house to queue up for an iPhone, Ann Coulter's Neck, which had launched a series of bizarre and random attacks on the city last month before retreating to its subterranean lair, reappeared this evening larger than ever and seemingly ready to rumble. It appears that Ms. Coulter's recent war of words with U.S. presidential candidate John Edwards's wife Elizabeth Edwards on MSNBC's Hardball program has had an effect on her neck not unlike anger had on Bill Bixby in the '70s.
"I didn't think it was possible for that woman's neck to get any larger," said Odaiba Starbucks employee Ryunosuke Okajima. "Did you see it last month in Shinjuku? It was the size of the goddamn Milky Way."
The Tokyo Metropolitan Police has sent an emergency S.O.S. to Goldar, a giant golden statue with special powers who lives in a volcano outside the city. "We're hoping he has some contacts that he can milk," said Tokyo police chief Yoshi Honda. "I know he used to be pretty close with Astro Boy, but I'm not sure if they're still in regular contact."
Whatever happens, the citizens of Tokyo are desperate for a hero right now.
"This bitch's neck is just fucking huge. I mean, it's ridiculous. How big can it get?!" said shocked onlooker Yoko Takahashi, shielding her 3-year-old from the gargantuan display of horrific right-wing skin.
"Ugh, fucking gross," said high schooler and professional Harajuku girl Aiko Yamashite, flicking her Hello Kitty cigarette lighter. "It smells like cigarettes, cheap gin, and natto."
It is hoped that Coulter's Neck will deflate after colliding with the torch of the fake Statue of Liberty replica in front of the Aqua City shopping mall.
2 comments:
"...shielding her 3-year-old from the gargantuan display of horrific right-wing skin."
Priceless.
I've heard its the heat thats making that thing swell up. my school's already arming itself with ground to air democratic missiles, but at least the kids get to wear cute matching kitty-yo helmets.
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