Goldar: "If America Were Run By Space Giants, None of This Would Be Happening"

Goldar, the giant golden statue living with his family in a volcano outside of Tokyo, has recently taken to criticizing the Bush administration's aggressive and unabashed incompetence, and this morning the gilded mammoth held another press conference outside his home of Mount Olympian in order to let the Japanese public know where he stands on the latest American fuck-ups and flapdoodles.

"I think it goes without saying," said Goldar in his tinny, echoey baritone, "that if American were run by Space Giants, none of this would be happening."

When pressed on what exactly he was referring to, the long-haired giant unleashed a barrage of criticisms of the administration of George W. Bush.

"Well, really, where do I start?" he bellowed. "Iraq is a quagmire that should have been foreseen (I'm talking to you, Cheney). Cronyism is rampant and, as was demonstrated in the Gulf Coast, deadly. Incompetence is obviously a prerequisite for service to this president. Not to mention that Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught yet. Honestly, how hard is it to smoke someone out of a cave? It's what my antennae were made for. And don't tell me that Dick Cheney or Condeleeza Rice don't have antennae. They have antennae. Trust me."

Goldar didn't stop there.

"And who is this Alberto Gonzales character? Has he ever remembered anything ever in his life, ever? And I really wish someone would please change Laura Bush's batteries. She's been running low for a while now."

Though he's outspoken about the current American leadership, he stops shy of endorsing any of the 2008 presidential candidates.

"It's too early to tell. Although I will say that Hilary Clinton seems to have very expert wiring."

Japablum Needs a Hot Compress

Yes, Jabablum is back from its brief prison vacation and is ready for action. And a nap. And a stomach pump. We'll be posting shots from our trip when we find the camera.

Japablum Out of Office Reply

Japablum is getting ready to go on vacation (if you can call supporting our troops by embarking on a USO tour of Key West with our pool boy and his younger brother a vacation!). So we're going to leave you today with a small collection of recent headlines from Japan. Just because we're getting the hell out of town doesn't mean we want our readers to be ill-informed about all the horrifying goings on in the safetiest country in the world.


Tuesday, August 14
MOTORCYCLIST RIDES 2KM BEFORE REALIZING HIS LEG WAS SEVERED IN SHIZUOKA

BABY BOY ABANDONED AT TOKYO DEPARTMENT STORE

Monday, August 13
WIFE STABS HUSBAND TO DEATH IN CHIBA

17 DEAD, 2 MISSING IN ACCIDENTS ACROSS JAPAN

Sunday, August 12
WOMAN, 24, ARRESTED FOR BEATING 2-YEAR-OLD SON TO DEATH IN ASAHIKAWA

Friday, August 10
WAKAYAMA COP ARRESTED FOR MOLESTING SCHOOLGIRLS

NUMBER OF CHILD ABUSE CASES REACHES RECORD HIGH

Thursday, August 9
BOY, 5, DIES AFTER BEING BEATEN UP BY MOTHER'S CO-WORKER AT SEX SHOP

いってきます、y'all.

Japablum's Countdown to Friendship

As both of our dedicated readers may not know, we here at Japablum are used to being roundly ignored. It is part of what we do. We scream into the void and the void roundly ignores us.

Well, the void strikes again, this time on the myspace. We recently sent a friend request to our fairy godmother, fellow Japan-lover Siouxsie Sioux, because myspace friendship is so significant, lasts forever, and practically guarantees that you get lots of bulletins on myspace. This, as both of our readers know, is the hallmark of any true friendship. Alas, Siouxsie has not answered our request. She's just not ready to commit. (Click on the above picture for proof.) So today Japablum starts its Countdown to Friendship with Siouxsie!

Yeah, whatever, it's f**king Monday, give us a break.

Japablum Jukebox: Morning Musume

It's a cold, rainy day in NYC, and that means that we need some color in this dank, dark room! Also, we need to annoy ourselves to within an inch of our lives in order to stay awake, which is why today's Jukebox features the nursery school squeak-pop of Morning Musume. Listen, watch, and just try to resist the compulsion to punch your computer screen in the face. It's impossible!

Track: GO Girl ~ Koi no Victory
Possible Side Effect: Death by Eyerolling

Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ Attempts to Frighten Crowd at Sumo Tournament, Is Completely Ignored

Well, it appears that Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ doesn't freak the crowds out like it used to. There was a time when all it had to do was show up in Shinjuku and people would start spontaneously projectile vomiting and running for their lives. But Tokyoites, though they enjoy a good scare, quickly get bored with the same gargantuan, reptilian beast attacking them over and over and over.

So when Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ attempted to crash a sumo tournament in central Tokyo by swinging in from the rafters and screeching about the irrelevance of the New York Times and the success of the troop surge in Iraq, the audience just ignored it and continued their enjoyment of the sumo. But if there's one thing Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ can't take, it's being ignored. At one point, Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ brushed up against a wrestler as he was crouching down in preparation for a lunge, and he swatted the Neck away like a fly. (A colossal fly made of leather.)

Unfortunately for the Neck, nothing comes between a sumo fan and his sumo. Once it became clear that it wasn't making the splash it had hoped for, Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ slunk away, but not before attempting to bait the crowd by calling them "sashimi socialists" and making lurid and sexually provocative gestures with its Adam's apple.

Asked afterwards what he thought of the failed impromptu attack, salaryman Yohichi Nakamura, who was attending the sumo tournament with his family, said "What? A neck? Oh, that thing. Yeah, I saw it for a minute but then I forgot it was even there."

Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ is reportedly rethinking its strategy for making it big outside the U.S. Luckily, it will always be able to collect a paycheck thanks to its regular appearances on Fox News alongside Sean Hannity's Eyebrows™.

Our Changing World: Major Hollywood Movie Features Prominent Japanese Hero That Isn't Complete Stereotype

In a shocking and unprecedented development in the history of Hollywood moving pictures, the new film Sunshine from Fox Searchlight, directed by Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, Shallow Grave, 28 Days Later), features a Japanese actor/character in a very prominent role who isn't an almalgamation of outdated stereotypes. In the film, Japanese dreamboat Hiroyuki Sanada, the brooding and fiercely handsome star of Twilight Samurai, The Promise, and Ringu, plays Kaneda, the captain (the captain!) of the deep space ship Icarus II, which is tasked with transporting a thermonuclear bomb with a massive payload to the dying sun in the year 2057 in order to reignite it and save all mankind or something.

Shockingly, Kaneda is not a wise and mysterious karate master, a kamikaze pilot, a short salaryman on an elevator, or a samurai. He is the stoic and heroic captain of a spaceship, a role usually reserved for famous white actors.

"This really signifies a change in perceptions of what Asian actors can bring to the Hollywood system," said New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis. "Be they Chinese, Japanese, or.....you know, Chinese or Japanese."

Professional contrarian Richard Roeper begs to differ on the tipping point suggested by some of his colleagues. "Oh, please. You know what Sanada's next movie is? Rush Hour 3. I don't khow about you, but I'm expecting at least a hundred karate chops in the that one. And he'll probably say the word "erection" when he means "election."

Japablum Recommends: Godzilla Attacks MOMA

Remember back in 1954 when the original Godzilla was released in the U.S. with a massively different thematic thrust than the anti-nuclear-weapons Japanese version? And the edited-in addition of white man Aaron Burr as an American reporter guy? Because the suits at the studio decided that American audiences just couldn't handle an all-slanty-eyed cast? Good times. Well, the original, unexpurgated, all-Jap/no-whitey version is being shown at NYC's MOMA Saturday 8/4 and Monday 8/6. Attention nerds: If you're not in NYC or you are but you never leave the house for legal/psychological/social/geopolitical reasons, the original is out on DVD now, too.

Japablum Language Lesson: 日本とアメリカのマクドナルド

Koichi-san visits an American McDonalds to compare it with the McDonald's in his homeland. Listen closely and answer the questions, flunkies.

1. The size of the Big Mac in the US is ______________ the size of the Big Mac in Japan.

a. larger than
b. the same size as
c. Americans are so fat

2. A medium drink in this American McDonald's is the same size as ____________ in a Japanese McDonald's.

a. a medium drink
b. a large drink
c. the kitchen and break room combined

3. What do Americans like to have with their fries?

a. ketchup
b. ice cream
c. more fries, another burger, a milkshake, and a blowjob

4. Japanese McDonald's are _________ than American McDonald's.

a. funnier
b. cleaner
c. sexier

5. Aren't meaningless quizzes fun?

a. yes! can i have my underwear back now?
b. no, you're so freaking gay.
c. did you say something, grandma?


video from tofugu.com

Are You There God? It's Us, Japablum

God, we haven't been in touch in a while. How are you? Anyway, the reason we're calling out to you in a fit of desperate emotional turmoil is because we've been trolling the internet and we've just discovered some truly shocking and upsetting news: you know how Siouxsie Sioux and her husband/drummer Budgie are our fairy godmother and -godfather, respectively? Well, we hear from the internets that they're separating after a quarter-of-a-century together. Could this possibly be true, God? Answer us! We don't want to be a blog of divorce, a latchkey blog, a blog that is forced to spend its weekends with one fairy godparent who will invariably just spend the whole weekend trying to turn us against the other fairy godparent. It just all sounds so horrible, and we'd much rather spend our weekends listening to "Happy House!"

Even worse, Siouxsie has a new album coming out soon--her first solo album ever--and it is her first album in 27 years to not feature Budgie. Flow Our Tears, the Policeman Said. Or something. Anyway, God, can you tell us, is the album gonna rock?

Siouxsie and Budgie. The two coolest Japanophile nerds ever. Separating. We feel, how do you say, 悲しい。 Yes, we feel complete and total 悲しみ。



(Sound of tears bursting forth from eye sockets and dribbling down cheeks.)

Dita von Teese Visits Tokyo to Teach Women How to Be More Severe, Angular, Translucent

Celebrated burlesque performer and ex-wife of 36-year-old brooding teenager Marilyn Manson recently visited Tokyo to do her famous martini glass routine and instruct Japanese women how to be less cherubic and round-faced and more sharp-featured, angular, pale-faced, and frightening.

"We have so much to learn from her," said Japanese bombshell and famous-for-something-or-other (and Japablum's periodic advice columnist!) Mika Kano. Though Kano and her sister Kyoko could most certainly beat von Teese to death with their bulbous breasts without breaking a sweat, the two agreed that their weird American sensei does have advantages of her own.

"Her face is so narrow and sharp," explained Kyoko. "It could probably cut glass. I want my face to be able to cut glass, too."

"Me too," intoned Mika. "And I also want my face to be visible from space!"

At press time there was no word from Ms. von Teese on the plausibility of this second proposal, though she was quoted as saying she "would be happy to help" with the whole cutting glass thing.

True Blue-era Madonna Mirage Appears at Kyoto's Kinkakuji Temple, Stunning Onlookers

A bizarre occurrence yesterday at the grounds of the famous Kinkakuji temple, ("Temple of the Golden Pavilion") in the historic Japanese city of Kyoto has many locals and tourists buzzing about supernatural intervention in the country's former capital. At approximately 2:30 Wednesday afternoon, the face of American pop star Madonna appeared on the surface of Mirror Pond in front of the temple, confounding visitors and temple staff and causing ripples of curious laughter to travel through the crowd.

Interestingly, it was not a contemporary image of the singer--say, one of her engaged in some kind of Kaballah pose or even a still from her celebrated film Swept Away--that appeared amidst the picturesque trees and the gilded temple structure. It was from the cover of the singer's True Blue album during her '80s heydey, when the top ten singles seemed to fall like raindrops from the sky and before she went all Eurotrash.

"I'm so excited!" exclaimed visitor Yuka Yamazaki. "True Blue is my favorite Madonna album!"

Workers at the temple struggled to keep the stunned public in order.

"Please, folks, keep the line moving!" shouted one tour guide. "It's not like it's the Confessions on a Dance Floor album art where she's all spread eagle in a leotard!"

Kinkakuji press officer Ryuji Okajima said that a group of experts, including meteorologists, phycologists, and Madonna's publicist, have been called in to try to determine how this may have happened.

In the meantime, the temple is enjoying the surge of interest in the Golden Pavilion.

"We all knew Madonna was good at promoting herself," Okajima commented. "But who knew she'd be so good at promoting a golden buidling that houses relics of the Buddha!"

Boxers Decide to Stop Fighting, Buy a House in Connecticut, Open Dog Grooming Shop

It was round twelve of sweaty, hairless, man-on-man pounding during the World Boxing Council's flyweight championship in Tokyo when, nearly obliterated by their palpable sexual frustration, the two combatants—Daisuke Naito of Japan and Pongsaklek Wonjongkam of Thailand—in a move that has shocked the world of pro boxing, both decided that they just couldn't deny their feelings any longer. The men stopped the fight, embraced, and declared that they would both quit boxing, buy a house "somewhere in Connecticut, probably," and open a dog grooming salon called "Doggy Style."

"I love this man, that's all I know," gasped Naito through a flood of blood and tears. "We can share the champion belt, put it over our bed or something."

The big question on everyone's wagging tongues is, of course, will the two professionals quit boxing completely, and if not, would they ever go head-to-head again, and if so, would they do it naked on pay-per-view or provide a downloadable podcast file or something?

"Right now I think we're tired of fighting," said Wonjongkam, smacking Naito on his tight, tight ass.

Japablum would like to offer our heartfelt congratulations. We also would like to request from the two lovebirds explicit, uncensored photos for the Greatest Moments in Gay Boxing coffee table book we're working on.

Today in Gaysian Preacher Stereotyping: Rob Schneider

You didn't think that innocuously doughy and white Hollywood actors of the 1950s (see Rooney, Mickey; "Breakfast at Tiffany's") were the only ones who had the license to portray Japanese men as sexless, retarded doofuses, did you? Well, if you did, D-list half-Filipino Rob Schneider, who makes an appearance in the new somehow-not-straight-to-video Adam Sandler movie "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," is here to change your mind. And he adds a little spice to the mix this time: the sexless, retarded Japanese doofus is gay! And a preacher who performs same-sex ceremonies! And living in Canada! Hilarity!

Thankfully, Schneider retains the oversized glasses so his audience of knuckle draggers will know without a doubt the esteemed tradition of funloving Asian stereotyping that his performance belongs to.



Arigato, Rob-san!

Japablum Recommends: Paprika

You know how drugs are sometimes too scarce or expensive or unprescripted? And how your dealer is completely unreliable and sometimes doesn't return your calls for hours?! We've got the solution. Get yourself down to the local cinemaplex and see the new Satoshi Kon movie "Paprika." It will make your brain hurt so good. The complicated plotline may elude you in parts (or totally!), but it's a feast for the bloodshot eyes, and features the most wonderfully demonic gigantic porcelain doll we've ever seen.

Today's Display of Anime: Girl With Mouth That Overtakes Her Chin

We must be honest. This picture makes Japalbum's head hurt. It really does. It's not the gigantic eyes, the negligible nose, or the overall jack-o-lantern quality of the presentation. Naturally, it's the crazy long mouth. Is that a football stuck to her face or is she just happy/terrified to see us? (Or both?) Why does it need to be so large? What is it trying to convey? Is it planning an invasion of her whole head? We're confused by it.

Newly Crowned Winners of "Japan's Got Talent!" Hope to Record Album, Get a Sitcom

The robot singing and dancing trio Ummei no Imoto no Roboto ("Destiny's Younger Sister's Robot"), new champions of the televised talent competition "Japan's Got Talent!", have announced that they hope that they can parlay this win into some lucrative gigs like a record deal, a theme restaurant, and maybe even a sitcom.

The trio, which performed the song "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend (Was a 'Bot Like Me)?" in its final performance before the voting, were made by Kawada Industries, the company that will also negotiate their record contract, endorsement deals, television appearances, Maxim photo spreads, romantic entanglements, and every other aspect of the members of Destiny's Younger Sister's Robot's public lives.

"It's so exciting!" beemed band member TS-1097TY876 at a post-show press conference. "The world has really opened up for us. And even though we can't make any of our own decisions and can be turned off and reprogrammed at any moment by Kawada Industries, the most brilliant company in the history of the world, we think this is just the beginning!"

Japablum Jukebox: Japanese R.E.M

This week Japablum would like to send you off on your weekend of broken friendships and lousy sex with this 90's R.E.M. ditty performed (visually) by a much sexier crew in Japan.

Track: Crush With Eyeliner

Japan Unveils It's Latest, Greatest Weapon in the War on Terror

Today the Japanese government unveiled its most potent and deadly weapon yet in the international war on terror: it's a stuffed Hello Kitty doll fully enveloped within a stuffed panda bear. Sinister.

Moreover, Japablum has obtained exclusive access to secret Japanese government plans that outline its intention to drop these new Hello-Kitty-in-a-Panda dolls over strategic locations within the next few days with the intention of cute-ing the evil-doers to death.

Take it from Japablum, the power of these dolls cannot be overestimated. We passed out in a Hello Kitty store once and were out cold for days. Thankfully we were rescued by Deborah Harry and wisked away to St. Thomas to recuperate while Debbie serenaded us with all her greatest hits (her solo hits, but still, hits! sort of.), and we sustained no permanent injuries. But oh, the nightmares.

Checking In With: Ryuji, Sex Doll Inspector

Japablum: Hi, Ryuji! How've you been? Busy, we bet!

Ryuji: Yes, I am constantly on my toes, as it were.

J: Ever on your knees? (winking, nudging, giggling)

R: On my knees? What do you mean? Why would I be on my knees?

J: So, do you ever talk to the dolls?

R: No, except for Kumi, I don't talk to them much. It's not really part of my job. I mostly spend my time jiggling their breasts to make sure they're firm enough. Sometimes I have to squeeze them.

J: And do you also have to occasionally rub and wiggle your face between them?

R: Oh yes.

J: What's the hardest part of your job?

R: Sometimes I get a stiff back.

J: Do you ever get the feeling that the dolls are all belittling, laughing at, and/or talking smack about you behind your back, like, say, when you leave the room for lunch?

R: No! Why? Have you heard something? What have you heard?

J: After looking at these beautiful fake women day in, day out, do you ever find yourself thinking that real women just don't cut it, that they just talk too much and are way too emotionally needy and have tiny tits?

R: Yes!

J: Which one is your favorite doll?

R: Kumi.

J: Oh, Kumi. She's cute! How much is she?

R: She's not for sale.

Japablum Recommends: The Boredoms at Brooklyn Bridge Park

Hey kids, you like drums? Well, Japan's seminal noise experimentalists the Boredoms are playing a free show at Brooklyn Bridge Park with 77 drummers on 7/7/07, this Saturday. Read more here. Japablum will be there autographing breasts and butts, so come and say hello!

Tragedy: Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi Loses Hot Dog Eating Contest to Guy with No Nickname

This is so sad. Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi, six-time winner of Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, has been toppled by a guy who doesn't even have a decent nickname. Joey Chestnut, from California or something, pulled ahead in the final moments of the 12-minute competition when Kobayashi suddenly felt like he was going to throw up and lost some valueable time trying not to. (We've been there.)

Kobayashi's trajectory from underdog (get it?) to top dog (get it?) to a still respectable second...dog (....get it??) should be an inspiration to us all. And we didn't realize that the secret to rock-hard abs is ingestion of obsene amounts of red tubular meat. We're redoubling our efforts!

Fukuoka's Very Own Yone Minagawa Named World's Oldest Woman

Yone Minagawa of Fukuoka Prefecture, pictured above in her garden in Fukuchi city, is officially the world's oldest woman, according to Britain-based Guinness World Records. Japablum would like to offer it's congratulations and a list of its top three most nutritious easily swallowed foods:

(3) Miso Soup
(2) Chicken Broth, and
(1) Nutella!

Now, Yone, we don't recommend swallowing them all at once, but you're the world's oldest woman, so you do what you want!

Ann Coulter's Neck Becomes Dangerously Large, Threatens Tokyo Bay's Artificial Island Odaiba with Stadium-Sized Adam's Apple

Just when Tokyoites thought it was safe to leave the house to queue up for an iPhone, Ann Coulter's Neck, which had launched a series of bizarre and random attacks on the city last month before retreating to its subterranean lair, reappeared this evening larger than ever and seemingly ready to rumble. It appears that Ms. Coulter's recent war of words with U.S. presidential candidate John Edwards's wife Elizabeth Edwards on MSNBC's Hardball program has had an effect on her neck not unlike anger had on Bill Bixby in the '70s.

"I didn't think it was possible for that woman's neck to get any larger," said Odaiba Starbucks employee Ryunosuke Okajima. "Did you see it last month in Shinjuku? It was the size of the goddamn Milky Way."

The Tokyo Metropolitan Police has sent an emergency S.O.S. to Goldar, a giant golden statue with special powers who lives in a volcano outside the city. "We're hoping he has some contacts that he can milk," said Tokyo police chief Yoshi Honda. "I know he used to be pretty close with Astro Boy, but I'm not sure if they're still in regular contact."

Whatever happens, the citizens of Tokyo are desperate for a hero right now.

"This bitch's neck is just fucking huge. I mean, it's ridiculous. How big can it get?!" said shocked onlooker Yoko Takahashi, shielding her 3-year-old from the gargantuan display of horrific right-wing skin.

"Ugh, fucking gross," said high schooler and professional Harajuku girl Aiko Yamashite, flicking her Hello Kitty cigarette lighter. "It smells like cigarettes, cheap gin, and natto."

It is hoped that Coulter's Neck will deflate after colliding with the torch of the fake Statue of Liberty replica in front of the Aqua City shopping mall.

Japablum Punts: Cornelius Pitchfork Interview

The overly analytic snobs over at Pitchfork Media, who will happily examine a pop song's every nook and cranny until it's no fun for anyone anymore, look up from the Xiu Xiu tattoo on their navel to upload a new interview with Japanese pop maestro Cornelius.

Only 10 Days Left Before Kiyomizu Temple Wipes the Floor With Jesus!

Everyone, put down the bong and hide the Cliffs Notes. It's time to be culturally significant. There are only 10 more days to vote on the next 7 Wonders of the World, and Japan's very own Kiyomizu Temple in Kyoto is up for one of the seven slots. It faces 20 other wannabees, including Brazil's Christ the Redeemer statue, New York's Statue of Liberty, the Easter Island figures, England's Stonehenge, and China's Great Wall. Vote now! You don't want Kiyomizu to lose to a bunch of communist Druids, do you?

Rush Limbaugh Drops in on Tokyo's Tsukiji Fish Market, Makes a Mess

Rush loves fresh tuna. Deep fried. With cheese and lots of mayo.

OMG Dept: Yellow Magic Orchestra Reunites to Save the Earth!

Great news! Japanese electro-pop band Yellow Magic Orchestra, the brains behind such 80s synthesized treasures as "Expecting Rivers," "Wild Ambitions," and "Firecracker" (we know things!) is reuniting for a concert you can't go to to play songs you've never heard of in your life! (A life that is so, so empty.) Yes, they'll be playing the Live Earth concert on July 7 in Kyoto alongside British composer Michael Nyman. Will they make an album? Will they wear matching golden and glittery tuxedos? Will they each play a keyboard solo? Find out when the DVD is released at some point in the future time!

In the mean time, click this.

Japablum Jukebox: Uniqlo Mixplay Thingie

It's time to get weird and random. Here is some sort of Uniqlo promotional dance video-type thing we found on the youtubes. Attn: Uniqlo, we hope to get a polo shirt out of this. White or gray, or actually, no, navy blue. We don't have navy blue. And, we're not sure what hifalutin name you have for them, but we like the stretchy kind.

Curiosity Corner: Heroes' Masi Oka in People Magazine's "Hottest Bachelors" Issue

We here at Japablum appreciate Masi Oka's stardom because we think all socially awkward nerds deserve to be featured in glossy celebrity weeklies. And now there's something to really celebrate: Oka-san, everyone's Asian best friend from high school, is listed among the hottest bachelors in the land. So what does this hunk of Japanese manmeat have to say for bookish brainiacs like his good self in his essay on page 125?

"Smart guys are going to make every relationship exciting, not just emotionally but physically because there are things that a creative mind has over just a hot smoking body."

Ok, we're doubtful, but go on....

"Yes, I am not the most muscular guy, but I can make any woman feel at ease."

Like chocolate or cheese.

"And also, women won't have to feel so conscious about themselves when they are with smart guys."

Or when they're wasted.

"I mean, I like to work out, but I don't want to be a gym rat. I would rather spend two hours hanging out with my partner."

You like to work out? Ok, then, how about a compromise? One hour, forty-five minutes at the gym, fifteen minutes with your partner. Free blowjobs at New York Sports Club on 23rd and 8th........

"I would rather have believed in someone and get hurt than live life with distrust."

Hmm. You're losing us. Maybe make an offhand reference to your smooth, sinewy thighs? Unbutton your top button? Put down the algebra book and make a muscle?

"I think smart guys make better boyfriends."

Sadly, we've already got one of those. Anyone got any cheese?

Japablum Recommends: Mr. at Lehmann Maupin Gallery, NYC

We do realize that, sadly, most of our readers are in prison, but repeat offenders need plans for the weekend, too! And who doesn't want to see giant three-dimensional manga figures with pools for eyes staring excitedly at them? Moreover and in addition, who doesn't want to see manga paintings of adolescents in varying states of undress? In conclusion, who among us doesn't have a Lolita complex? (We don't, but you probably do!)

The Japanese artist known simply as "Mr." has an exhibit currently on at the Lehmann Maupin gallery in Chelsea, NYC, and there are enough smiley youngsters with smooth, supple skin on display to give you an ice cream headache.

Bring all your friends who haven't left the house since Comicon!

Japablum Jukebox: Denki Groove

This video by Anglophilic dance act Denki Groove reminds Japablum of that dream we had a few weeks ago when we ate too much Octopus 'n Sardine Lasagna right before bedtime.

Track: Flashback Disco
Rating: Three and a half dancing daisies

WTF Dept: Bruce Willis Named Honorary Chief of Terrorism Task Force

We generally don't like to post about dome-headed Hollywood stars two days in a row, but this must be reported. Note: This is not a joke. It's totally real. Bruce Willis has been named honorary chief of the special task force for cyberterrorism by the National Public Safety Commission in Tokyo.

We don't know what this means, but it doesn't sound right. What's next? Cybil Shephard as the honorary assistant to the president of the organization for dating unhinged taxi drivers named Travis Bickle?

Hmm. That's actually something we could get behind. So never mind.

Carry on, Bruce.

Bruce Willis Flies to Tokyo to Defuse Bomb Implanted in Maggie Q's Pancreas by Terrorists

OMG! The Mac Guy was sent to help with any of his audio-visual needs!

Update: Ann Coulter's Gargantuan Nuclear Neck Attemps to Commandeer Japan Rail Train, Demands Exfoliating Cream, End to Liberal Media/Sodomy

The long, labyrinthine neck of Ann Coulter is at it again. Recently seen terrorizing Tokyoites in Shinjuku and picking a fight with the Big Buddha in Kamakura, the neck has now set its site on Tokyo's mass transit system. Swinging onto platform 12 of Shinjuku Station, the neck attempted to commandeer an east-bound Yamonote line train. It is still not clear what the neck's intent was.

"That giant oozing neck? It just started bellowing about liberal faggots, dirty immigrants, and anal sex," said Yoshi Yamamoto, the operator of a kiosk on the platform. "Didn't make any sense. And what's wrong with anal sex?"

"Nobody really knows what that neck wanted," remarked Kyoko Hasegawa, a young shopper dressed in a pink tutu and matching bikini top and Easter bonnet. "It was trying to get control of the train, but if that horrible greasy neck thought it was gonna take that train anywhere but where it was scheduled to go, it was sadly mistaken. Nobody fucks with a Japanese train timetable."

Indeed, the Neck was not able to gain control of the train. The doors closed before it was able to enter and, because of the Neck's slick and slimy surface, it simply slid off the side of the train as it left the station and headed south toward Yoyogi.

"Funny that Ann Coulter's Neck chose the Yamanote line," said Keiko Tanaka, an office lady who was waiting for the train when the attack happened. "It's the circle line. It just goes around and around and around. Kind of like Ann Coulter's Neck's bitching."

Japablum Jukebox: Ego-Wrappin'

You know when you first heard a song by Puffy Amiyumi or Morning Musume and all that squeaky singing (squeanging?) made your brain fill up with pus? Well, Ego-Wrappin’ are the antidote for all that. Like a tall, cool drink of water washing down a couple of diazepam, they will soothe you. And dang if this bitch can’t sing.

Track: 老いぼれ犬の口笛
Groove: Mellow

Japanese Tourists Better Than Most

It's an embarrassment of riches for Japan these days. First they win Miss Universe, then they're voted fifth most peaceful nation, and now the tourists they export are celebrated for being the best in Europe, according to a new survey of European hoteliers. In specific categories, the Japanese were judged to be the best behaved, the quietest, the most polite, and the least complaining. They were also second only to Americans in the amount of money spent and second only to the Germans in cleanliness (What?).

The Japanese were also voted class clown, best school spirit, and most likely to succeed. The French were voted biggest bitches. Japablum was voted biggest suck-up and most likely to have a nervous breakdown. Congratulations us!

Last Week's News Today: Japan Ranked 5th Most Peaceful Nation

This was actually announced last week, but we get our newspapers by boat, so it takes us a while sometimes: Japan has been ranked as the Fifth Most Peaceful Nation in a new report done by The Economist Intelligence Unit and some guy named Steve.

Some might say that this is a great honor for Japan, but all we can say is: this is some bullshit. Fifth? Fifth?! Japan just won Miss Universe, bitches! Not Miss World. Miss Universe. We say it's time for Japan to challenge all those pussy-ass nations that outranked it--Norway, New Zealand, Denmark, and Ireland--to an all-out battle royale, where they all must convene on an island with one weapon each and three days to off each other in the ultimate contest to see once and for all who the f**k is the most peaceful nation in the world.

Beat their hippie asses, Japan.

Japablum's Cure for the Monday Blues

Yes, it's another dreary Monday morning. We know how you feel because we feel it too. To keep ourselves from jumping out our first-floor window at the beginning of every week, we need to be reminded of the beautiful things in life, however briefly. This week we're going to pass on the good vibes. Because nothing makes Japablum feel better than the site of grinning young men chumming around together with barely any clothes on.

Happy Monday.




Ahhhh, that's better.

Japablum Jukebox: The Creatures

Japablum celebrates the recent birthday of our fairy godmother Siouxsie Sioux this week with her homage to the misunderstood and really quite charming Japanese nuclear monster Godzilla. She's accompanied by two fellow creatures Budgie (her hubbie, ex of the Banshees) and former Kodo drummer Leonard Eto on drums. Lots and lots of drums.

Track: Godzilla
Translation: Gojira

Japablum Pugilism Report: Members of Japanese Diet Fight Over Whose Suit is Grayest

This is shocking. Members of the ruling and opposition parties of the Japanese Diet got into a brawl Thursday when the Liberal Democratic Party member Ryuji Yamamoto claimed that his party had the grayest suits and, thus, more credibility when it comes to matters of national security and moral values. This upset the prominent members of the Social Democratic Party, whose gray suits are a major part of their party platform. They rose to their feet and demanded that Yamamoto take it back or else. When Yamamoto refused he was thumped in the forehead by the closest Social Democrat, an action that set off the fight pictured above.

Japablum is so glad U.S. politicans aren't this retarded. Otherwise what kind of horrible state would our country be in?

Breaking: Miss Japan Riyo Mori Crowned Miss Universe After Beating Miss Brazil and Miss Korea in Mud Wrestling Competition

Congratulations, Riyo! Go hose yourself off and get to work! World peace can't start with you....

Update: Ann Coulter's Giant Rubbery Tubulate Neck Calls the Big Buddha a "Faggot"

The titanic neck of Ann Coulter, which launched a surprise attack on the citizens of Tokyo last week, has moved its campaign of pre-menopausal psychosis and turbo-charged misanthropy south to the old Japanese capital of Kamakura, where it proceeded to ream the giant Buddha statue with a series of liberal-baiting epithets from its usual bag of tricks, calling the weathered, much-loved statue a "peacenick faggot," a "baby-killing butt pirate," and a "commie terrorist al-Quaeda-loving atheist sodomite."

Onlookers were stunned by the unprovoked barrage of insults, which disturbed the usually serene grounds for over ten minutes. Visitors quietly praying or silently viewing the giant structure looked on in horror as the oily, gruesome, 45-year old neck continued its bombardment of slurs and then rubbed its Adam's apple on the Buddha's left eyelid.

Though the local Kamakura police have been partnering with the Tokyo Metropolitan Police to try to put an end to the colossal neck's rein of terror, one member of the force who asked not to be identified said that they are secretly hoping that, like in America, Ann Coulter's neck will just slowly fade into absolute irrelevance, just popping up every now and then to scare the country's children and insult a new minority group.

Japablum Jukebox: Asobi Seksu

The 1/4 Japanese frothy Brooklyn dreampop kids in Asobi Seksu (it means 'playful sex'--naughty!) serenade us this Friday with a track called 'Thursday'. Yes, we had planned to post this yesterday, thus creating a wondrous poetic synchronicity between music and blog. But we didn't have time. So what? We can't be expected to just drop everything just so you can enjoy a thematically cohesive blog posting, can we, selfish? Jesus.

Track: "Thursday"
Today is: The day after Thursday, fine, we get it.

Mika Kano, Japan's Ministress of Ambrosia and Afros, Answers Your Questions

Dear Mika,

Longtime reader, first-time writer. I love your boobs. Anyway, I've been troubled lately. There are so many horrible things happening in the world every day, like war, bombs, genocide, famine, and religious extremism. I sometimes can't even get out of bed in the morning, weighed down as I am with thoughts of orphaned children starving, suicide bombers taking innocent bystanders down with them to the uncertainty of the afterlife, and petrified young soldiers living daily through a bloody war without end. So I ask you, Mika, my beacon in this whirling shitstorm, how do you make sure that your skin stays supple but not too dry during the cooler months, and how on earth do you keep your pores from becoming too oily in the stinky hot summer?

Annabel in Annapolis

-----------------

Dear Annabel,

It sounds like you've had a really hard time lately. You really should isolate yourself more from the world. Go see movies alone on Saturday afternoons. Decline party invitations. Sit in your bedroom on the hardwood floor sipping a cheap Cabernet and turning on and off the table lamp over and over and over until you feel like you're absolutely losing your mind. Most of all, have fun!

Mika :-)

Breaking: Tokyo Attacked By Ann Coulter's Monstrous, Veiny Neck!

Well, it's been a few months since Tokyo was attacked by a giant reptilian creature from the netherworld, and every Tokyoite knows that the peace and quiet can only last so long. This evening all the carefree fun and games came to an abrupt halt when the gigantic, frightfully tubular and leathery neck of American conservative commentator Ann Coulter descended upon the Don Quixote costume shop in the city's Shinjuku district.

Ann Coulter's neck, which has been scaring the shit out of innocent Americans for more than ten years, is reportedly trying to branch out and internationalize its trail of horror and devastation.

"I don't understand," said Mos Burger employee Yoshi Yamagawa, reacting to the giant floating patch of aging skin as it hovered over his place of work. "Why when all these crazy Americans want to tear some shit up, they have to come to Tokyo? Why can't they go to Seoul or freaking Hong Kong every once in a while?" He then added, "Do you know how many babies Dick Cheney ate when he was here? My God!"

Coulter's neck reportedly terrorized Shinjuku residents for two-to-three hours with its views on liberals and the 9/11 widows before taking a break and visiting Harajuku to do some shoe shopping. It was last seen sipping an appletini and rubbing up on Tokyo Tower.

Developing......

Japablum Easy Joke Department: Japan Reimagines Concept of Drunk Driving

Yes, it's true: the national alcoholic beverage may soon be the national alcoholic biofuel. That sweet smell wafting in from the East? That's the smell of a bunch of Toyota Blade hatchbacks getting wasted.

Japablum Editorial: Will Someone Please Give Empress Michiko a Hat That Fits?

Listen, Japan, it is ridiculous that Japablum even has to ask, but can you PLEASE give Empress Michiko a hat that fits her head? She does many wonderful things for you. She acts as honorary president of the Japanese Red Cross. She has made official visits to 37 countries (more than even Japablum!). She.....has posed for many, many photographs. And how do you repay her? By providing her with a few small scraps of fabric with which her aging ladies-in-waiting can stitch together a tiny little hat to sit awkwardly atop her head. For shame, Japan! She deserves better.

For guidance, we suggest you look to England and the hats they procure for their royals.



Look at the size of that hat. Definitely more befitting of a personage of nobility striding regally into her golden years. And not only is the hat of a sufficiently large size, it also comes with useful netting that can catch bugs, bees, and other things that might try to fly into her face as she waves to people. Talk about giving someone the royal treatment. Take note, Japan.

WTF Department: The Cottons

Add this to the lengthy list of Things Japablum Didn't Know Existed: a group called the Cotton Council International, whose "mission is to increase exports of U.S. cotton, cottonseed and U.S. manufactured cotton products through activities that affect every phase of the marketing chain." Bored yet? Us too. We'll get to the point.

Apparently, part of the CCI's promotional push in Japan is to bestow upon some lucky Japanese celebrities honorary titles and hold a press conference. Hence this picture, featuring, from right, actress Masami Nagasawa, former baseball player Tsuyoshi Shinjo, and actress Momoko Kikuchi, who were crowned Miss Cotton, Mr. Cotton, and Mrs. Cotton, respectively. CCI chose these particular empty vessels for the honor because, presumably, they can act as Japanese Pied Pipers, leading the zombie public towards.....more cotton? Also, according to CCI, they "best personify the cotton image of pure, bright and fresh."

Much more flattering than the words ("dank, fronky, and meaninglessness") used by the National Needlepoint Association in turning Japablum down for the honor of Miss Thimble 2006.

Today's Display of Anime: Blond with Tool

If there's one thing Japablum knows, it's that cartoon characters are hot. It is perfectly understandable that some people totally want to sex them up. The above photo is, of course, no exception. Is there anything--anything at all--hotter than a buxom babe enthusiastically holding a wrench in her hand with a come hither look and eyes the size of toaster ovens? We think not. Unless it's this. Or this. Or maybe this. Or this. Or this.

But we should never forget that cartoons aren't just for adults. They can also be shown to children sometimes as educational tools to make them smarter, or even simply just to entertain them and keep them from humping the furniture (or whatever it is that kids do these days!).

Rinko Kikuchi: Acting So Powerful It Will Make You Barf

Ok, during Oscar season Japablum was a little bit obsessed with Rinko Kikuchi's performance in Babel because we have a major soft spot for deaf high school girls that just want to get laid. We admit it. But we eventually got over it and went back to the business of only watching movies that feature at least one shower scene in a men's locker room. (We recommend School Ties starring Matt Damon and Playing With the Coach's Balls starring an entire Brazilian soccer team!)

But we can't pass up this opportunity to return to our unhealthy obsession with Ms. Kikuchi and her powerful acting chops. The latest: one scene in Babel has been making people nauseous in theaters in Nagoya, Japan. The film's Japanese distributor has been blaming this curious side effect on lighting effects in the nightclub scene that features Ms. Kikuchi dancing with her other deaf friends. But everyone knows you should never believe a Japanese film distributor. They always lie.

It's Rinko's performance what made them all so sick. Some people just can't handle it when their profound emotional catharses are mixed with strobe lights, poor things.

Japablum Jukebox: Ex-Girl

Today the three aliennettes in Ex-Girl give us a tour around Tokyo while simultaneously wearing outrageous hats.

Track: Pop Muzik
Video Quality: Low but inspired

Japablum Cute-Off

Ok, kids, it's time to make some hard choices here at Japablum. Life is not always fun and games, and this is one of those times. Foresooth and forthwith: the Japablum Cute-Off. You must decide, (A) which of these two things is cuter and (B) there is no (B):

The two members of Japanese squeak-pop band Puffy Amiyumi



Or

This jellybean dispenser



We didn't say it would be easy. We didn't say it would be rewarding. Hell, we didn't say it would be enjoyable. But you must choose. And give a good reason. The winner will go on to the next round and face a new challenger. It's completely and utterly meaningless. But every vote counts! Partake!

Vote here or in the comments.