This was actually announced last week, but we get our newspapers by boat, so it takes us a while sometimes: Japan has been ranked as the Fifth Most Peaceful Nation in a new report done by The Economist Intelligence Unit and some guy named Steve.
Some might say that this is a great honor for Japan, but all we can say is: this is some bullshit. Fifth? Fifth?! Japan just won Miss Universe, bitches! Not Miss World. Miss Universe. We say it's time for Japan to challenge all those pussy-ass nations that outranked it--Norway, New Zealand, Denmark, and Ireland--to an all-out battle royale, where they all must convene on an island with one weapon each and three days to off each other in the ultimate contest to see once and for all who the f**k is the most peaceful nation in the world.
Beat their hippie asses, Japan.
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