Ann Coulter's Neck™ Busted For Trying to Shoplift Mini Skirt in Tokyo Boutique

Ann Coulter's Neck™ has been arrested and booked by the Tokyo Police Department for attempting to shoplift a mini skirt from a Harajuku boutique on the trendy Takeshita Dori shopping street in Tokyo yesterday. It is unclear why Ann Coulter's Neck™—which is known to have a substantial income from its numerous appearances on Ann Coulter bookjackets, for which it is paid handsomely—felt the need to lift a mini skirt from a shop without paying for it.

"I don't know what the Neck was doing here in the first place," said shop assistant Mariko Souseki, who caught the Neck in the act and promptly notified the police. "The average age of shoppers on this street is about 18, and that thing was clearly at least 46."

Indeed, Souseki is exactly right: Ann Coulter's Neck™ is exactly 46 years old.

"I knew it," Souseki said, excited. "That thing looked tired."

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The trashy skirt Ann Coulter's Neck™ is alleged to have attempted to abscond with.

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When asked what they think could be the motive for such a crime, the Tokyo Metropolitan Police released a statement saying, "We are unaware as of yet of any motive for the attempted theft. The Neck is currently meeting with its lawyer in jail. We will release more information as we know it."

"I don't even understand why she picked that particular skirt," Souseki continued. "It's a piece of junk. Like something a homeless, smack-addled prostitute would wear."

She then paused from looking through the racks for something more appropriate the Neck could have stolen.

"But I guess it had to cover that Adam's apple up with something."

Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ Attempts to Frighten Crowd at Sumo Tournament, Is Completely Ignored

Well, it appears that Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ doesn't freak the crowds out like it used to. There was a time when all it had to do was show up in Shinjuku and people would start spontaneously projectile vomiting and running for their lives. But Tokyoites, though they enjoy a good scare, quickly get bored with the same gargantuan, reptilian beast attacking them over and over and over.

So when Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ attempted to crash a sumo tournament in central Tokyo by swinging in from the rafters and screeching about the irrelevance of the New York Times and the success of the troop surge in Iraq, the audience just ignored it and continued their enjoyment of the sumo. But if there's one thing Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ can't take, it's being ignored. At one point, Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ brushed up against a wrestler as he was crouching down in preparation for a lunge, and he swatted the Neck away like a fly. (A colossal fly made of leather.)

Unfortunately for the Neck, nothing comes between a sumo fan and his sumo. Once it became clear that it wasn't making the splash it had hoped for, Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ slunk away, but not before attempting to bait the crowd by calling them "sashimi socialists" and making lurid and sexually provocative gestures with its Adam's apple.

Asked afterwards what he thought of the failed impromptu attack, salaryman Yohichi Nakamura, who was attending the sumo tournament with his family, said "What? A neck? Oh, that thing. Yeah, I saw it for a minute but then I forgot it was even there."

Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ is reportedly rethinking its strategy for making it big outside the U.S. Luckily, it will always be able to collect a paycheck thanks to its regular appearances on Fox News alongside Sean Hannity's Eyebrows™.

Ann Coulter's Neck Becomes Dangerously Large, Threatens Tokyo Bay's Artificial Island Odaiba with Stadium-Sized Adam's Apple

Just when Tokyoites thought it was safe to leave the house to queue up for an iPhone, Ann Coulter's Neck, which had launched a series of bizarre and random attacks on the city last month before retreating to its subterranean lair, reappeared this evening larger than ever and seemingly ready to rumble. It appears that Ms. Coulter's recent war of words with U.S. presidential candidate John Edwards's wife Elizabeth Edwards on MSNBC's Hardball program has had an effect on her neck not unlike anger had on Bill Bixby in the '70s.

"I didn't think it was possible for that woman's neck to get any larger," said Odaiba Starbucks employee Ryunosuke Okajima. "Did you see it last month in Shinjuku? It was the size of the goddamn Milky Way."

The Tokyo Metropolitan Police has sent an emergency S.O.S. to Goldar, a giant golden statue with special powers who lives in a volcano outside the city. "We're hoping he has some contacts that he can milk," said Tokyo police chief Yoshi Honda. "I know he used to be pretty close with Astro Boy, but I'm not sure if they're still in regular contact."

Whatever happens, the citizens of Tokyo are desperate for a hero right now.

"This bitch's neck is just fucking huge. I mean, it's ridiculous. How big can it get?!" said shocked onlooker Yoko Takahashi, shielding her 3-year-old from the gargantuan display of horrific right-wing skin.

"Ugh, fucking gross," said high schooler and professional Harajuku girl Aiko Yamashite, flicking her Hello Kitty cigarette lighter. "It smells like cigarettes, cheap gin, and natto."

It is hoped that Coulter's Neck will deflate after colliding with the torch of the fake Statue of Liberty replica in front of the Aqua City shopping mall.

Update: Ann Coulter's Gargantuan Nuclear Neck Attemps to Commandeer Japan Rail Train, Demands Exfoliating Cream, End to Liberal Media/Sodomy

The long, labyrinthine neck of Ann Coulter is at it again. Recently seen terrorizing Tokyoites in Shinjuku and picking a fight with the Big Buddha in Kamakura, the neck has now set its site on Tokyo's mass transit system. Swinging onto platform 12 of Shinjuku Station, the neck attempted to commandeer an east-bound Yamonote line train. It is still not clear what the neck's intent was.

"That giant oozing neck? It just started bellowing about liberal faggots, dirty immigrants, and anal sex," said Yoshi Yamamoto, the operator of a kiosk on the platform. "Didn't make any sense. And what's wrong with anal sex?"

"Nobody really knows what that neck wanted," remarked Kyoko Hasegawa, a young shopper dressed in a pink tutu and matching bikini top and Easter bonnet. "It was trying to get control of the train, but if that horrible greasy neck thought it was gonna take that train anywhere but where it was scheduled to go, it was sadly mistaken. Nobody fucks with a Japanese train timetable."

Indeed, the Neck was not able to gain control of the train. The doors closed before it was able to enter and, because of the Neck's slick and slimy surface, it simply slid off the side of the train as it left the station and headed south toward Yoyogi.

"Funny that Ann Coulter's Neck chose the Yamanote line," said Keiko Tanaka, an office lady who was waiting for the train when the attack happened. "It's the circle line. It just goes around and around and around. Kind of like Ann Coulter's Neck's bitching."

Update: Ann Coulter's Giant Rubbery Tubulate Neck Calls the Big Buddha a "Faggot"

The titanic neck of Ann Coulter, which launched a surprise attack on the citizens of Tokyo last week, has moved its campaign of pre-menopausal psychosis and turbo-charged misanthropy south to the old Japanese capital of Kamakura, where it proceeded to ream the giant Buddha statue with a series of liberal-baiting epithets from its usual bag of tricks, calling the weathered, much-loved statue a "peacenick faggot," a "baby-killing butt pirate," and a "commie terrorist al-Quaeda-loving atheist sodomite."

Onlookers were stunned by the unprovoked barrage of insults, which disturbed the usually serene grounds for over ten minutes. Visitors quietly praying or silently viewing the giant structure looked on in horror as the oily, gruesome, 45-year old neck continued its bombardment of slurs and then rubbed its Adam's apple on the Buddha's left eyelid.

Though the local Kamakura police have been partnering with the Tokyo Metropolitan Police to try to put an end to the colossal neck's rein of terror, one member of the force who asked not to be identified said that they are secretly hoping that, like in America, Ann Coulter's neck will just slowly fade into absolute irrelevance, just popping up every now and then to scare the country's children and insult a new minority group.

Breaking: Tokyo Attacked By Ann Coulter's Monstrous, Veiny Neck!

Well, it's been a few months since Tokyo was attacked by a giant reptilian creature from the netherworld, and every Tokyoite knows that the peace and quiet can only last so long. This evening all the carefree fun and games came to an abrupt halt when the gigantic, frightfully tubular and leathery neck of American conservative commentator Ann Coulter descended upon the Don Quixote costume shop in the city's Shinjuku district.

Ann Coulter's neck, which has been scaring the shit out of innocent Americans for more than ten years, is reportedly trying to branch out and internationalize its trail of horror and devastation.

"I don't understand," said Mos Burger employee Yoshi Yamagawa, reacting to the giant floating patch of aging skin as it hovered over his place of work. "Why when all these crazy Americans want to tear some shit up, they have to come to Tokyo? Why can't they go to Seoul or freaking Hong Kong every once in a while?" He then added, "Do you know how many babies Dick Cheney ate when he was here? My God!"

Coulter's neck reportedly terrorized Shinjuku residents for two-to-three hours with its views on liberals and the 9/11 widows before taking a break and visiting Harajuku to do some shoe shopping. It was last seen sipping an appletini and rubbing up on Tokyo Tower.

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