Mika Kano, Japan's Ministress of Ambrosia and Afros, Answers Your Questions

Dear Mika,

Longtime reader, first-time writer. I love your boobs. Anyway, I've been troubled lately. There are so many horrible things happening in the world every day, like war, bombs, genocide, famine, and religious extremism. I sometimes can't even get out of bed in the morning, weighed down as I am with thoughts of orphaned children starving, suicide bombers taking innocent bystanders down with them to the uncertainty of the afterlife, and petrified young soldiers living daily through a bloody war without end. So I ask you, Mika, my beacon in this whirling shitstorm, how do you make sure that your skin stays supple but not too dry during the cooler months, and how on earth do you keep your pores from becoming too oily in the stinky hot summer?

Annabel in Annapolis

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Dear Annabel,

It sounds like you've had a really hard time lately. You really should isolate yourself more from the world. Go see movies alone on Saturday afternoons. Decline party invitations. Sit in your bedroom on the hardwood floor sipping a cheap Cabernet and turning on and off the table lamp over and over and over until you feel like you're absolutely losing your mind. Most of all, have fun!

Mika :-)

Mika Kano, Japan's Ministress of Photo-ops and Pharmacology, Answers Your Questions

Dear Mika,

Sometimes I worry about displaying my gigantic pontoon breasts too prominently. Sure, they're gigantic and are buoyant enough to raise sunken battleships, but sometimes I feel like nobody notices my other great attributes, like my full lips and excellent bone structure. I was on the phone with my boyfriend recently and, just as a test, I asked him what color my eyes are and he said "boobs."

Should I start covering up more, so people can see the real me (the one with the beautiful face)?

Signed,

Raquel in Reykjavik

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Dear Raquel,

Breasts should never be fully covered under any circumstances. Never. Didn't the women's liberation movement teach you anything? God made them to be adored, and that is just what your boyfriend is doing. (He sounds very handsome. Tell him I said 'hi.') Hell, most of my lovers wouldn't be able to pick my face out of a line-up if you paid them. But they could sense my breasts from miles away.

Celebrate your wonderjuggs. Appreciate and love them. Trust me. The world will love you back.

If, however, you really want people's eyes to be drawn upward (God knows why), perhaps you should invest in a striking hat that can sit atop your head and drag some of the attention away from those funglobes of yours. I recommend something like this:



But why would you want to wear that when you could just put on your best hair extentions and wear this:



Have fun!

mika

Mika Kano, Japan's Ministress of Cleavage and Hair Flipping, Answers Your Questions

Dear Mika,

Do you think it's appropriate to ever date a friend's ex? My friend "Sheryl" broke it off with "Luke" a few weeks ago. I've had a crush on "Luke" for a while, and my friendship with "Sheryl" has never been that important to me. "Luke" is also ripped and he's got curly blonde locks, a square jaw, and is flush with cash. I've already blown him. So now that "Sheryl" is out of the picture can I ask him out?

Torn in Turkey


Dear Torn,

"Luke" sounds like a reprehensible human being with no moral scruples whatsoever. Steer clear. Also, do you have his phone number?

Mika Kano, Japan's Ministress of Swimwear, Stilettos, and Six-Shooters, Answers Your Questions

Dear Mika: You have such long legs! Where did you get them? Anyway, I was wondering. Which pet do you think would attract a better, longer-lasting man: a goldfish or a housetrained duck? Signed, Lonely in Latvia ********* Dear LiL: Men are pigs. I'm sorry, I mean men like pigs. Get a pig. Good luck and have fun!

Mika Kano, Japan's New Ministress of Hosiery, Answers Your Questions

Dear Mika-chan:

You are so cute. I can't believe you're only 39! Anyway, I am trying to figure out what I'm going to wear to my big office Christmas party. I don't want to be too scandalous, so I was thinking of just wearing this frilly thing my mom used to dress me in when I was, like, 4 and then getting a stringy blonde weave. What do you think?

Signed,
Betty in Bratislava


Dear BiB:

What you propose is fine. Just make sure you will not be upstaged by your hosiery. For this purpose, I recommend perhaps a stringy RED weave.

Have fun!