Dear Mika,
Sometimes I worry about displaying my gigantic pontoon breasts too prominently. Sure, they're gigantic and are buoyant enough to raise sunken battleships, but sometimes I feel like nobody notices my other great attributes, like my full lips and excellent bone structure. I was on the phone with my boyfriend recently and, just as a test, I asked him what color my eyes are and he said "boobs."
Should I start covering up more, so people can see the real me (the one with the beautiful face)?
Signed,
Raquel in Reykjavik
__________
Dear Raquel,
Breasts should never be fully covered under any circumstances. Never. Didn't the women's liberation movement teach you anything? God made them to be adored, and that is just what your boyfriend is doing. (He sounds very handsome. Tell him I said 'hi.') Hell, most of my lovers wouldn't be able to pick my face out of a line-up if you paid them. But they could sense my breasts from miles away.
Celebrate your wonderjuggs. Appreciate and love them. Trust me. The world will love you back.
If, however, you really want people's eyes to be drawn upward (God knows why), perhaps you should invest in a striking hat that can sit atop your head and drag some of the attention away from those funglobes of yours. I recommend something like this:
But why would you want to wear that when you could just put on your best hair extentions and wear this:
Have fun!
mika
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