Japablum's Sinuses Have Been Cleared

And to celebrate, we'd like to offer both of our readers this little comic snippet courtesy of Woody Allen and a super horny Japanese spy. If you haven't seen What's Up, Tiger Lily? yet, well, now you have something to do this weekend besides cry yourself to sleep!

Miss Universe 2006 First-Runner-Up Kirara Chibana to Reporter: "My Necklace Has No Comment"

Kirara Chibana, former Miss Japan and the first-runner-up in the 2006 Miss Universe Pageant, spoke on behalf of her crazy big necklace yesterday at a press conference after the necklace was directly challenged by a Daily Yomiuri reporter for being a showoff and a symbol of everything that is wrong with the world of unfettered capitalism and the acquisition of senselessly extravagant riches on the backs of the citizens of the third world. In response, Chibana held up her hand and cut him off, saying, "My necklace has no comment. Next question."

The next question was directed to the fluffy tufts just above her breasts that are made out of chichilla tails and have caused a stir among animal rights activists. The fluffy tufts also had no comment.

Japablum Restaurant Review: Mayonaise Kitchen

Stephen Colbert gives Tokyo's newest culinary sensation, Mayonaise Kitchen, a rave review.

Ann Coulter's Neck™ Busted For Trying to Shoplift Mini Skirt in Tokyo Boutique

Ann Coulter's Neck™ has been arrested and booked by the Tokyo Police Department for attempting to shoplift a mini skirt from a Harajuku boutique on the trendy Takeshita Dori shopping street in Tokyo yesterday. It is unclear why Ann Coulter's Neck™—which is known to have a substantial income from its numerous appearances on Ann Coulter bookjackets, for which it is paid handsomely—felt the need to lift a mini skirt from a shop without paying for it.

"I don't know what the Neck was doing here in the first place," said shop assistant Mariko Souseki, who caught the Neck in the act and promptly notified the police. "The average age of shoppers on this street is about 18, and that thing was clearly at least 46."

Indeed, Souseki is exactly right: Ann Coulter's Neck™ is exactly 46 years old.

"I knew it," Souseki said, excited. "That thing looked tired."

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The trashy skirt Ann Coulter's Neck™ is alleged to have attempted to abscond with.

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When asked what they think could be the motive for such a crime, the Tokyo Metropolitan Police released a statement saying, "We are unaware as of yet of any motive for the attempted theft. The Neck is currently meeting with its lawyer in jail. We will release more information as we know it."

"I don't even understand why she picked that particular skirt," Souseki continued. "It's a piece of junk. Like something a homeless, smack-addled prostitute would wear."

She then paused from looking through the racks for something more appropriate the Neck could have stolen.

"But I guess it had to cover that Adam's apple up with something."

Askuza (Ask a Yakuza)

Dear Three Naked Yakuzas:

What did you think of the recent mob-related murder of the mayor of Nagasaki?

Bowing deeply,
Jeremy

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Dear Jeremy,

If you want to lighten your hair more than three shades, we recommend that you don't do it at home. Have a trusted beautician take care of that. If you don't have a beautician that you trust, let us know and we'll have a talk with ours. She does great work and really knows how to strip pigment right out of a head of hair, whether it's connected to a neck or not.

Best,

3NY

Japablum Jukebox: Kiiiiiii

Ok, these ladies are weird. Where've they been all our lives? They're called Kiiiiiii, and that's with 7 i's, bitches.

Here they are covering a Wiggles' song.

Track: 4 Little Joeys

Street Urchin From Distopian Future Wanders Onto Catwalk at Japan Fashion Week, Asks for Spare Change, Astringent

A shellshocked street urchin from the future who has not washed her hair or removed the crust and dead skin from her face in many months has wandered onto the Tokyo catwalk during Japan Fashion Week, confusing members of the audience who aren't sure whether or not she is part of the new Toru Kato collection. She keeps pointing to her greasy panda eyes with one of ther seven fingers on her right hand. Also, she keeps holding out her other seven-fingered hand and asking for change. (They still have coins in the future?!)

Someone call Philip K. Dick and Ridley Scott! They'll know what to do. And bring some Witch Hazel!

Today in Japanese Political Resignations: Shinzo Abe

Japablum really doesn't understand Japanese politics, and we know you don't either. All we really know for sure is that every year there is a series of increasingly boring scandals that put the nation of Japan into a deeper and deeper state of apathy and ennui that it deals with by developing new and completely unnecessary electronics. Or a new robot that can carry their live-in grandmothers down stairs or something.

Anyway, the past few months have been relatively exciting in the world of Japanese politics. Relatively. First, there was Prime Minister Shinzo Abe's foreign minister defending the use of the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Yes! The hometown crowd was not pleased. And now there is the Prime Minister himself resigning over being a militaristic nationalist or something. Ex. Cite. Ment.



We haven't been this keyed-up since the ascendency of Junichiro Koizumi and his hair to the Prime Minister's gilded throne back in 2001. That man had style.


Japablum is happy to report some good news for Abe, though. Hearing of his resignation, Israeli-British psychokenesis specialist Uri Geller was quick to snatch up the erstwhile Prime Minister and offer him a job. Congratulations to Shinzo Abe, Geller's new assistant spoon-bender!

Japablum Recommends: The Immoral, UnChristian Photography of Kohei Yoshiyuki

If you're anything like Japablum, there's nothing that makes you more comfortable and relaxed than visiting the park at night, hiding in the bushes, and watching people do it. It just feels right.

Well, for the two people out there that are, indeed, exactly like Japablum, has the Yossi Milo gallery in NYC got a treat for you. Through October 20 the gallery will be hosting The Park, featuring photos by dirty perv Kohei Yoshiyuki, who roamed Tokyo's parks by night in the '70s hoping to get that perfect view of people screwing and people watching people screwing.



When Yoshiyuki showed his photos at the Komai Gallery in 1979 and it was considered an underground success. Sadly, like it does for the best of us, paranoia set in, and Yoshiyuki (a pseudonym) freaked out, destroyed a lot of the original photos, and pursued a new career path doing family portraits. So sad.

Yoshiyuki has since been found and convinced to hand over the remaining negatives so that a public hungry for black and white, grainy photos of ordinary, sometimes gay people doing extraordinarily naked things can be sated.

Bring cigarettes, please. We may need one.

The Japanese Tradition

We at Japablum recently read somewhere on the interweb that the kids like their humor dry. Dry like dry ice. Dry like paint that was wet but has now dried. Dry like your "South Korea's Got Seoul" t-shirt just out of the dryer. And Japanese comedy group Rahmenz's faux-instructional video serires "The Japanese Tradition," distributed by Japan Culture Lab, can totally give the kids what they want. Can we get these in retro-tee shirt format?

Gay Japablum's Gay Coverage Gay of Gay Tokyo Gay Pride Gay

Japablum tends to arrive at parties after all the best-looking people have already left, so it certainly makes sense that we are three weeks late posting about the Tokyo Pride Parade that went down in Yoyogi Park on August 11. (We were busy being late to London Pride, which was on June 30. OMG, everyone on Regent Street was fully clothed. Embarrassing!)

Anyway, we're sure all the gay weirdos in Tokyo had a marvelous time and hope they can all get gay married and start gay ageing soon!

In the mean time, Japablum is working on it's costume for Beirut Pride!

Masi Oka Upstaged by Sumo Wrestler at "Heroes" Tokyo Press Conference

Masi Oka, returning to the nation of his birth for a press conference promoting his hit American television drama "Heroes," found himself upstaged by a sumo wrestler during what was meant to be Oka's time to shine on his home turf.

As Oka was speaking to the Tokyo press about his career in the American entertainment industry as an actor and computer animation specialist and discussing how he really is the embodiment of the American dream, a sumo wrestler appearing on stage with the "Heroes" cast lifted Oka's co-star Ali Larter into his arms and held her above his head, elliciting whoops and applause from the bored Tokyo press corps. The sumo wrestler then continued cradling Larter in his arms as Oka attempted to steal his thunder back.

"So as I was saying," Oka continued, "when I was doing my special effects work on the new Star Wars trilogy, I realized how far I'd come from my humble Tokyo beginnings." The crowd then erupted into enthusiastic applause, but sadly not because it was moved by Oka's story. Rather, it was because the sumo wrestler was now successfully juggling Ms. Larter, a chopstick, and an onigiri rice ball with tuna inside at the same time.

"...and," Oka continued, flustered, "I'd just like everyone to know that I'm living proof that dreams can come true!" But very few in the assembled crowd heard Oka's inspirational words, as most of them were cheering for the sumo wrestler, who was now juggling the aforementioned items (American blonde actress, chopstick, rice ball) while balancing on his big left toe, playing the Japanese drum with his right foot, and singing "I Gotta Be Me."

Then, as Oka, whose "Heroes" character Hiro has the ability to astral project himself, prepared to utter his signature phrase from the hit show ("yatta!", which translates to "I did it!"), he was once again interrupted by the sumo wrestler, who bellowed in his powerful baritone "yoku dekimashita!" (which translates to "I did it well!").

At this point Oka, visibly irritated, sat down and quietly started playing a computer game on his iPhone as the sumo wrestler astral projected himself, Larter, the chopstick, and the rice ball into the back of the press room, to the surprise and delight of the audience.

Japablum Week in Review: Headlines

It's time again to try to make sense of this week's Japanese news by turning to Japablum's handy headline matrix. (Click to enlarge.)