Monday, June 11, 2007

Update: Ann Coulter's Gargantuan Nuclear Neck Attemps to Commandeer Japan Rail Train, Demands Exfoliating Cream, End to Liberal Media/Sodomy

The long, labyrinthine neck of Ann Coulter is at it again. Recently seen terrorizing Tokyoites in Shinjuku and picking a fight with the Big Buddha in Kamakura, the neck has now set its site on Tokyo's mass transit system. Swinging onto platform 12 of Shinjuku Station, the neck attempted to commandeer an east-bound Yamonote line train. It is still not clear what the neck's intent was.

"That giant oozing neck? It just started bellowing about liberal faggots, dirty immigrants, and anal sex," said Yoshi Yamamoto, the operator of a kiosk on the platform. "Didn't make any sense. And what's wrong with anal sex?"

"Nobody really knows what that neck wanted," remarked Kyoko Hasegawa, a young shopper dressed in a pink tutu and matching bikini top and Easter bonnet. "It was trying to get control of the train, but if that horrible greasy neck thought it was gonna take that train anywhere but where it was scheduled to go, it was sadly mistaken. Nobody fucks with a Japanese train timetable."

Indeed, the Neck was not able to gain control of the train. The doors closed before it was able to enter and, because of the Neck's slick and slimy surface, it simply slid off the side of the train as it left the station and headed south toward Yoyogi.

"Funny that Ann Coulter's Neck chose the Yamanote line," said Keiko Tanaka, an office lady who was waiting for the train when the attack happened. "It's the circle line. It just goes around and around and around. Kind of like Ann Coulter's Neck's bitching."

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