Japablum Pugilism Report: Members of Japanese Diet Fight Over Whose Suit is Grayest

This is shocking. Members of the ruling and opposition parties of the Japanese Diet got into a brawl Thursday when the Liberal Democratic Party member Ryuji Yamamoto claimed that his party had the grayest suits and, thus, more credibility when it comes to matters of national security and moral values. This upset the prominent members of the Social Democratic Party, whose gray suits are a major part of their party platform. They rose to their feet and demanded that Yamamoto take it back or else. When Yamamoto refused he was thumped in the forehead by the closest Social Democrat, an action that set off the fight pictured above.

Japablum is so glad U.S. politicans aren't this retarded. Otherwise what kind of horrible state would our country be in?

Breaking: Miss Japan Riyo Mori Crowned Miss Universe After Beating Miss Brazil and Miss Korea in Mud Wrestling Competition

Congratulations, Riyo! Go hose yourself off and get to work! World peace can't start with you....

Update: Ann Coulter's Giant Rubbery Tubulate Neck Calls the Big Buddha a "Faggot"

The titanic neck of Ann Coulter, which launched a surprise attack on the citizens of Tokyo last week, has moved its campaign of pre-menopausal psychosis and turbo-charged misanthropy south to the old Japanese capital of Kamakura, where it proceeded to ream the giant Buddha statue with a series of liberal-baiting epithets from its usual bag of tricks, calling the weathered, much-loved statue a "peacenick faggot," a "baby-killing butt pirate," and a "commie terrorist al-Quaeda-loving atheist sodomite."

Onlookers were stunned by the unprovoked barrage of insults, which disturbed the usually serene grounds for over ten minutes. Visitors quietly praying or silently viewing the giant structure looked on in horror as the oily, gruesome, 45-year old neck continued its bombardment of slurs and then rubbed its Adam's apple on the Buddha's left eyelid.

Though the local Kamakura police have been partnering with the Tokyo Metropolitan Police to try to put an end to the colossal neck's rein of terror, one member of the force who asked not to be identified said that they are secretly hoping that, like in America, Ann Coulter's neck will just slowly fade into absolute irrelevance, just popping up every now and then to scare the country's children and insult a new minority group.

Japablum Jukebox: Asobi Seksu

The 1/4 Japanese frothy Brooklyn dreampop kids in Asobi Seksu (it means 'playful sex'--naughty!) serenade us this Friday with a track called 'Thursday'. Yes, we had planned to post this yesterday, thus creating a wondrous poetic synchronicity between music and blog. But we didn't have time. So what? We can't be expected to just drop everything just so you can enjoy a thematically cohesive blog posting, can we, selfish? Jesus.

Track: "Thursday"
Today is: The day after Thursday, fine, we get it.

Mika Kano, Japan's Ministress of Ambrosia and Afros, Answers Your Questions

Dear Mika,

Longtime reader, first-time writer. I love your boobs. Anyway, I've been troubled lately. There are so many horrible things happening in the world every day, like war, bombs, genocide, famine, and religious extremism. I sometimes can't even get out of bed in the morning, weighed down as I am with thoughts of orphaned children starving, suicide bombers taking innocent bystanders down with them to the uncertainty of the afterlife, and petrified young soldiers living daily through a bloody war without end. So I ask you, Mika, my beacon in this whirling shitstorm, how do you make sure that your skin stays supple but not too dry during the cooler months, and how on earth do you keep your pores from becoming too oily in the stinky hot summer?

Annabel in Annapolis

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Dear Annabel,

It sounds like you've had a really hard time lately. You really should isolate yourself more from the world. Go see movies alone on Saturday afternoons. Decline party invitations. Sit in your bedroom on the hardwood floor sipping a cheap Cabernet and turning on and off the table lamp over and over and over until you feel like you're absolutely losing your mind. Most of all, have fun!

Mika :-)

Breaking: Tokyo Attacked By Ann Coulter's Monstrous, Veiny Neck!

Well, it's been a few months since Tokyo was attacked by a giant reptilian creature from the netherworld, and every Tokyoite knows that the peace and quiet can only last so long. This evening all the carefree fun and games came to an abrupt halt when the gigantic, frightfully tubular and leathery neck of American conservative commentator Ann Coulter descended upon the Don Quixote costume shop in the city's Shinjuku district.

Ann Coulter's neck, which has been scaring the shit out of innocent Americans for more than ten years, is reportedly trying to branch out and internationalize its trail of horror and devastation.

"I don't understand," said Mos Burger employee Yoshi Yamagawa, reacting to the giant floating patch of aging skin as it hovered over his place of work. "Why when all these crazy Americans want to tear some shit up, they have to come to Tokyo? Why can't they go to Seoul or freaking Hong Kong every once in a while?" He then added, "Do you know how many babies Dick Cheney ate when he was here? My God!"

Coulter's neck reportedly terrorized Shinjuku residents for two-to-three hours with its views on liberals and the 9/11 widows before taking a break and visiting Harajuku to do some shoe shopping. It was last seen sipping an appletini and rubbing up on Tokyo Tower.

Developing......

Japablum Easy Joke Department: Japan Reimagines Concept of Drunk Driving

Yes, it's true: the national alcoholic beverage may soon be the national alcoholic biofuel. That sweet smell wafting in from the East? That's the smell of a bunch of Toyota Blade hatchbacks getting wasted.

Japablum Editorial: Will Someone Please Give Empress Michiko a Hat That Fits?

Listen, Japan, it is ridiculous that Japablum even has to ask, but can you PLEASE give Empress Michiko a hat that fits her head? She does many wonderful things for you. She acts as honorary president of the Japanese Red Cross. She has made official visits to 37 countries (more than even Japablum!). She.....has posed for many, many photographs. And how do you repay her? By providing her with a few small scraps of fabric with which her aging ladies-in-waiting can stitch together a tiny little hat to sit awkwardly atop her head. For shame, Japan! She deserves better.

For guidance, we suggest you look to England and the hats they procure for their royals.



Look at the size of that hat. Definitely more befitting of a personage of nobility striding regally into her golden years. And not only is the hat of a sufficiently large size, it also comes with useful netting that can catch bugs, bees, and other things that might try to fly into her face as she waves to people. Talk about giving someone the royal treatment. Take note, Japan.

WTF Department: The Cottons

Add this to the lengthy list of Things Japablum Didn't Know Existed: a group called the Cotton Council International, whose "mission is to increase exports of U.S. cotton, cottonseed and U.S. manufactured cotton products through activities that affect every phase of the marketing chain." Bored yet? Us too. We'll get to the point.

Apparently, part of the CCI's promotional push in Japan is to bestow upon some lucky Japanese celebrities honorary titles and hold a press conference. Hence this picture, featuring, from right, actress Masami Nagasawa, former baseball player Tsuyoshi Shinjo, and actress Momoko Kikuchi, who were crowned Miss Cotton, Mr. Cotton, and Mrs. Cotton, respectively. CCI chose these particular empty vessels for the honor because, presumably, they can act as Japanese Pied Pipers, leading the zombie public towards.....more cotton? Also, according to CCI, they "best personify the cotton image of pure, bright and fresh."

Much more flattering than the words ("dank, fronky, and meaninglessness") used by the National Needlepoint Association in turning Japablum down for the honor of Miss Thimble 2006.

Today's Display of Anime: Blond with Tool

If there's one thing Japablum knows, it's that cartoon characters are hot. It is perfectly understandable that some people totally want to sex them up. The above photo is, of course, no exception. Is there anything--anything at all--hotter than a buxom babe enthusiastically holding a wrench in her hand with a come hither look and eyes the size of toaster ovens? We think not. Unless it's this. Or this. Or maybe this. Or this. Or this.

But we should never forget that cartoons aren't just for adults. They can also be shown to children sometimes as educational tools to make them smarter, or even simply just to entertain them and keep them from humping the furniture (or whatever it is that kids do these days!).

Rinko Kikuchi: Acting So Powerful It Will Make You Barf

Ok, during Oscar season Japablum was a little bit obsessed with Rinko Kikuchi's performance in Babel because we have a major soft spot for deaf high school girls that just want to get laid. We admit it. But we eventually got over it and went back to the business of only watching movies that feature at least one shower scene in a men's locker room. (We recommend School Ties starring Matt Damon and Playing With the Coach's Balls starring an entire Brazilian soccer team!)

But we can't pass up this opportunity to return to our unhealthy obsession with Ms. Kikuchi and her powerful acting chops. The latest: one scene in Babel has been making people nauseous in theaters in Nagoya, Japan. The film's Japanese distributor has been blaming this curious side effect on lighting effects in the nightclub scene that features Ms. Kikuchi dancing with her other deaf friends. But everyone knows you should never believe a Japanese film distributor. They always lie.

It's Rinko's performance what made them all so sick. Some people just can't handle it when their profound emotional catharses are mixed with strobe lights, poor things.

Japablum Jukebox: Ex-Girl

Today the three aliennettes in Ex-Girl give us a tour around Tokyo while simultaneously wearing outrageous hats.

Track: Pop Muzik
Video Quality: Low but inspired

Japablum Cute-Off

Ok, kids, it's time to make some hard choices here at Japablum. Life is not always fun and games, and this is one of those times. Foresooth and forthwith: the Japablum Cute-Off. You must decide, (A) which of these two things is cuter and (B) there is no (B):

The two members of Japanese squeak-pop band Puffy Amiyumi



Or

This jellybean dispenser



We didn't say it would be easy. We didn't say it would be rewarding. Hell, we didn't say it would be enjoyable. But you must choose. And give a good reason. The winner will go on to the next round and face a new challenger. It's completely and utterly meaningless. But every vote counts! Partake!

Vote here or in the comments.