Who Does a Robot Gotta Blow to get a Lapdance In This Town?

Dammit, I came all the way from Fukushima to the big city and what do I find? Nothing. It's completely empty. Concrete jungle my ass. I see plenty of concrete but no dang jungle. If I don't get my balls licked in the next hour and a half I'm shooting off some lasers.

This is bullshit.

Very Funny, Daddy

When you told me you were getting me "a cute little car" for my 16th birthday, Daddy, I never dreamed that this is what you had in mind. How desperate you must be to prove to your only daughter that you have a sense of humor. Trust me, I know now. Point taken. You're friggin' HILARIOUS.

What am I gonna say to all my friends who are expecting me to be the designated driver on Saturday? They're coutning on me to have a car. We're going shoe shopping, for God's sake!

This is so not cool. Honestly, this is worse than that Hello Kitty Chastity Belt you got me last year.

So embarrassing.

Japanese Candid Camera: Just Dangerous Enough to be Hilarious

Alas, this happened to Japablum during our last trip to the gay sauna. It's all fun and games until you bite someone's dick off.

Metro Report: Fearless Salaryman Challenges Godzilla to Duel

In a shocking display of misguided machismo, Taro Yamaguchi, a worker at a Tokyo electronics company, challenged local fire-breathing monster Godzilla to a duel while both were taking in an exhibit at the new National Art Center of Tokyo.

Circling the surprised monster, Yamaguchi was overheard calling him "a filthy lizard" who he, Yamaguchi, is "not afraid of."

Shocked museum-goers watched as Godzilla put down his Boujelais and his rice cracker smeared with brie, stomped on them, and bellowed an incomprehensible rejoinder that one young woman, Yuki Takada, could only describe as "the indecent, unrepeatable words of a very unhappy nuclear reptile."

"Ok, that's it," Yamaguchi replied, as he slammed his briefcase to the floor, removed his eyeglasses, and cleaned them with a soft cloth, with which he then slapped the giant monster on the side of the face. "Pistols at 8, you tired old fool!"

Godzilla, who apparently already had plans at 8, then ignited the ballsy salaryman with one powerful exhalation and went back to browsing the "The Power of Expression, Japan" exhibit.

Introducing: Squiggles, the Japablum "Frilled" Shark

After an exhaustive worldwide search for a suitable mascot, we here at Japablum are excited to announce that we have finally found one that embodies all that we are about, which is still to be determined. Say hello to Squiggles, who was recently found off the coast of Japan. She's got a huge maw and the most adorable razor-sharp teeth. Just like Japablum!

Welcome, Squiggles! Come sit next to us!

Will Smith Meets with Prime Minister Abe to Discuss Trade, Iraq, Oscar Baiting

America's favorite black actor Will Smith met with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe to discuss the rice/potato trade, the escalation of troops in Iraq, and Mr. Smith's new shamelessly Oscar-baiting film The Pursuit of Happyness.

According to Abe's press secretary, the Prime Minister was totally cracking Mr. Smith up by quoting his favorite Will Smith movie lines.

"Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away," Abe said, quoting Smith's titular character in the romantic comedy Hitch as his staff struggled to not throw up.

"Can a robot write a symphony? Can a robot turn a canvas into a beautiful painting?" Abe continued, this time parroting one of Smith's more leaden and nauseating lines from the sci-fi thriller I, Robot.

"Impre--" Smith started before Abe interrupted with his favorite Will Smith line of all time, another I, Robot quote, "My general fields are advanced robotics and phsychiatry. Although, I specialize in hardware-to-wetware interfaces... in an effort to advance U.S.R.'s robotic anthropomorphization program."

"Oh, Hell naw!" Smith exclaimed. "You know my lines better than I ever did!"

Then they both laughed and someone took a picture.

Tokyo Auto Show Girls Hope They're Allowed to Keep Cowboy Hats, Tassles

Even though they think that the friendly ass-pinching, relentless salivating, furtive requests for them to hug up on each other, and the stink of heavy breathing all around them are payment enough for their participation in this year's extravaganza, these three 2007 Tokyo Auto Show girls, all named Yuki, are really hoping that the event organizers will let them keep the cowboy hats and tassles that are part of their required uniform.

"They are so cute! They should just let us have them." Yuki said. "We've worked so hard, and why do they have to keep it so cold in here?"

"Yes," agreed Yuki. "It's not like we're asking for a free car. Oh look! A Kyodo News Service photographer!" (Making a peace sign with her fingers.) "Cheeeeeeeese!"

"Oh my God, my boyfriend would be so jealous!" rejoined the other Yuki. "He loves tassles."

Revered Japanese Filmmaker Clint Eastwood Wins Best Foreign Language Film at Golden Globes

"You don't know what this does for my confidence," the first-time foreign language film award winner said in his stilted, barely comprehensible acceptance speech, given in English. Eastwood won the award for his film "Letters from Iwo Jima" and was flanked on stage by fellow foreigners/producers Steven Spielberg and Robert Lorenz, both of whom declined to speak, probably because of the language barrier.

Japablum Sincerity Corner: Letters from Iwo Jima

Once in a while we here at Japablum like to actively ignore the chaotic reality of the world around us and lose ourselves in idle gossip, TV on DVD, and porn. Also movies. And when we enounter something that moves us, we want to pass it on, even if it's a serious film. Ergo, hitherto and forthwith: the new Clint Eastwood movie Letters from Iwo Jima. Go see it now. It's a powerful war story with an atypical point of view, at least for Americans. Of course, it's also a total crashing bummer, but sometimes a leaden sadness is what we go the movies for, right?

Goldar: Escalation in Iraq Would Be a Mistake

Giant Japanese golden statue Goldar, also known as Ambassador Magma, who lives with his wife Silvar and son Gam in Mount Olympian, a volcano outside Tokyo, has officially proclaimed his lack of confidence in the Bush administration's decision to send a surge of 21,000 troops into Baghdad.

Goldar, a noted expert on fighting terror in his native Japan, has famously fought campaigns against such horrific terrorist agents as Birdaurus, the shapeshifting Lugo Men, the metallic Noronda, giant beetle Nardo, and Molesaurus, all unleashed by outer space terrorist thug Rodak, whose stated goal since the 1960s has been "world domination, bitches."

Speaking from Mount Olympian, Goldar regretted that the struggle in Iraq seems to be unwinnable and that 21,000 more troops will do about as much good as "Silvar trying to do battle with mini monster Ludo with her hands tied behind her back and only one fully functioning gamma ray-emitting antenna."


Silvar and Gam look on as Goldar addresses reporters. Photos courtesy of Cool Stuff

When asked what advice he would give President Bush with regard to Iraq, Goldar demurred. "I am just a simple 50-foot golden statue with the ability to morph into a rocket and shoot missiles out of my chest," he said with a shrug. "This war is now between Shia and Sunni. I am powerless."

金曜日は おめでとう ございます (Congratulations on your Friday)

We've nearly made it through another week here at Japablum (this one with one whole posting). I think we all deserve this picture to start the day off right.

Happy Coming-of-Age Day!

Japablum would like to wish both of its readers a Happy Seijin no Hi. This phrase translates to "Coming-of-Age Day" and on this day throughout Japan, young people who have reached the age of 20 celebrate their passage into adulthood by parading around with their friends in kimonos and nice suits to be painstakingly photographed by their families and themselves. They can now legally smoke, drink alcohol, carry concealed portable electronic devices, and get arrested at their coming-of-age ceremonies. Congratulations to them all.

On this day each year, a selection of these newly adult youngsters is selected to be drugged, dragged to an uninhabited island, tagged with metal necklets equipped with cute little explosive devices, and told to kill each other off in an epic battle royale-type activity, the results of which will go on their permanent record. As per the rules, only one can survive into adulthood, so the stakes are pretty high. Good luck to this year's candidates!

And now, a look at what these bright yong hopefuls have to look forward to as they shed their teenage skin and get down to adult business. WARNING: The future's kind of messy. Bring extra tourniquets!











Oh, to be young again........

From the Desk of Gogo Yubari

THINGS TO DO TODAY

1. Get to school early; can't have any more tardies
2. Finish algebra homework before class; alternatively, poison algebra teacher
3. Spread vicious lies, human misery; giggle while doing it (don't forget to cover mouth)
4. Community service at stupid hospital
5. Help Nobu with science fair project
6. Slice some bitches up
7. Make dinner


Gogo Yubari doing her algebra homework.

Girl, DJ Ozma Wants You to Bounce with Him Like You Did Last Night

And he also wants you to help him up because he fell and can't really remember where he is or what he's meant to be doing or what happened at the show last night or what he's doing here or who you are but he knows for sure thay you guys bounced real good last night and he'd like to bounce a whole lot more if he could just get a quick shower and do you have any toast or miso soup lying around because he's famished or maybe you could float him some yens and he can bounce on down to the ramen shop and also he could really use a back rub and have you seen his hot rollers?

Japablum Serious News Coverage Dept: Scandal!

OMG! Administrative reform minister Genichiro Sata has resigned from the cabinet over what has been called "inappropriate accounting." This will absolutely and forever change Japanese politics as we know it. The time has come forzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......

Japablumから あけまして おめでとうございます！

Happy New Year from Japablum! Start the new year right and give your hardworking cats the day off. They deserve it.