From the Heart of Smutty Kabukicho: Every Woman's Dream (Kind of)

Hey, sweet mama. How you feeling? Yeah, me and my friends are just taking a cigarette break between clients. What's that, baby? Yeah, we work at the same host club. Huh? Yeah, I guess we are all pretty supple. Thanks for noticing. You look kind of supple, too. Well, you know, for your age.

What'd you say? Yeah, we do all iron our hair. Actually, we have hair-ironing parties once a week at our boss's place here in Kabukicho. It's pretty fun. We also blindfold ourselves and cut each other's hair.

You really oughta come into the club for a while so we can get to know each other better. I'd show you a real good time once you bought a drink. There's nothing like good conversation with a lonely rich woman forced to pay money for companionship. Nothing like it.

Yeah, that's right. Drop those inhibitions. Come on in. You got any hairspray?

Easy Joke Dept: Velvet Revolver Denied Visas to Japan

Members of American cockrock band Velvet Revolver were recently denied visas to enter Japan to perform scheduled live shows thanks to Japan's strict new immigration enforcement rules. The rule in question states that "No member of any rock and roll outfit that officially lists Scott Weiland as a member will be aloud in the country. Sorry." Harsh!

Japablum Punts: Cute Video

If you don't want to end up stabbing yourself in the eardrums, we recommend you turn the volume off. You don't need to hear that shit. Just enjoy the li'l mammals.

Poor Piggy

If there's one thing Japablum knows all too well, it's that living with a ticking bomb in your midst is the best way to ensure fiscal responsibility. And Japanese toy giant Tomy is definitely on the same page, because they've just introduced the "Savings Bomb," a piggy-bank-type vessel that explodes if you don't regularly add money to it.

It's apparently meant to encourage folks to stop being so damn greedy and put some money away for later every once in a while. Or even more often than that. There's a pre-set interval (not sure if the owner will have any control over this, but Japablum thinks they shouldn't), and the li'l piggy must be fed or he will explode his inner coinage all over the place.


Kumiko is a greedy bitch and her little piggies know it.

Japablum Bra Report

Good news for all you laydeez out there who find yourselves continually stumped when you're trying to eat your bowls of rice while wearing only a bra and you just don't have anywhere to store those dirty used chopsticks afterwards. Because surely you're going to be wanting another bowl of rice pretty soon before putting on a shirt!

Triumph Japan has just introduced a "My Chopsticks" bra, with one cup styled like a bowl of rice and the other like a bowl of miso soup. And, of course, there is a side pouch for the aforementioned slimy, saliva-coated chopsticks so that you can easily reuse them. You know, put them back in your mouth. Or.....feed your boyfriend while he's unhooking your Chopsticks bra? Japablum supposes that that is an option, too.

Japanese ingenuity (Japangenuity!) doesn't take days off, dear readers.

"Sure, I Want to Be a Serious Actress, But in the Mean Time, I'll Just Continue to Do These Promo Events for DVD Releases"

"Yeah, you know, I'm going on auditions and stuff, but really the only things I end up getting are these. Yeah, the DVD of Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is coming out here in Japan, so, you know, here we are. A few weeks ago I dressed up for the Japanese release of Black Snake Moan, the Christina Ricci nympho movie? Yeah, I showed up to the event dressed as a black snake and I was planning on just, you know, doing a lot of moaning and stuff on stage. Well, I guess I was being too literal, because one of the prop people told me I just needed to put on some Daisy Dukes and a blonde wig and slut it up a little bit. Whatever, it was fun! But I'd like my next project to be something more serious. Like, I'd loooove to do a DVD release for a Meryl Streep movie. But I guess I'll have to wait until after Oscar season."

Power Puff Girls Arrive in Japan, Get Longer, More Supple Legs

The wildly popular American crime-fighting cartoon trio the Power Puff Girls have finally made their way across the Pacific and onto Japanese television screens. Though many Americans would consider the U.S. version of the three the wild-eyed, round-faced, and tiny-bodied young ladies to be plenty cute already, the Japanese public begged to differ, responding to the first satellite-beamed images of the U.S. cartoon with a resounding "meh."

So! It was decided that, for the girlies to have any kind of future in Japan, they would have to be somehow cuted up. Impossible, right? Not so. The Japanese are a resourceful bunch, and if there's one thing they can do better than any other country on this insane planet, it's draw a cute and unsettlingly sexually alluring cartoon. And they've done it again.



Look at them legs. And those skirts. The Power Puff Girls are now the slutty cheerleaders of every young boy's dreams. (Well, most boys. Japablum always preferred to dream about slutty quarterbacks whenever we fell asleep in our bedroom closet. When's that animé coming out, we'd like to ask?)

Hey, Grandpa, Buy This Shit!

Yo, old dude with manpurse, buy this shit. Don't be walking away. The Southern All Stars, one of Japan's most beloved rock bands, has a new album out, and you know you want to check it out. We got samples, we got promotional materials, we got coupons. (And hey, yo, Yuki over there ain't wearing no underwear, between you and me. I'm not saying that should influence your decision to visit our booth, I'm just saying.)

Hey, where you going, man? What I gotta say to get you to turn back around? We probably got some pills somewhere. And some Alford chocolate biscuits. Hey, Yuki! Bring some of those biscuits over here, dammit!