Japablum Reminder: You Can't Trust a Chinese Scorpion

As this gigantic year winds to a close, Japablum would like to remind both of its readers that, even though we are all grownups now, we should never forget the good solid advice our mothers gave us when we were in our twenties:

1. Don't leave the house without putting on clean underwear.
2. Forgiveness is good but revenge is real good.
3. Don't ever try on jeans that came from China without looking inside them with a flashlight first.

This last one is expecially appropriate in light of recent events. Memorize it, because not all scorpions are friendly!



Your welcome,

Japablum

SMAP to Team Up with Morning Musume, Colonize Mars, Start TV Variety Show

Wow. Mars is going to be really irritating.

Japablum Exclusive: Takeshi Kitano Announces His Top 5 Mammals of 2006

Celebrated comedian, filmmaker, and director Takeshi Kitano has just released his annual Top 5 Mammals list, and it is a strong reminder that 2006 was a great year for mammals across the land. So without further ado, heeeeeeeere's Takeshi!

#5. KITTENS IN COFFEE CUPS

Takeshi Kitano: I'm not usually a big fan of stuffing kittens into salad bowls or sock drawers or air conditioning vents to snap a cute picture of them, but these two look as if they were MEANT to be in those coffee cups. Look at them. It's as if they've just hatched from two gorgeous porcelain eggs, ready to rub their eyes, stretch their legs, and maybe kill a few squirrels and dump them on my ex-girlfriend's doorstep.

#4. BABY PANDAS

TK: Did you know that there is some debate among zoologists about whether pandas are bears, racoons, or their own unique species? I did not know that.

#3. EXISTENTIAL MONKEYS

TK: I'm really drawn to mammals that appear to have a really substantial interior life, like they're living their lives primarily inside their heads. This guy here, he reminds me of myself in such films as Brother, Hanabi, and Battle Royale. What's going on behind those pensive eyes?

#2. HAMSTERS!

TK: These little critters are key-yoot! Who wouldn't want one? Show me someone who doesn't want a fluffy little hamster. I'll shoot him dead.

#1. BEYONCE

TK: Hands down, the mammal of the year. Did you see Dreamgirls yet?

Happy Merry Christmas from Japablum!

Remember, Japanese Santa is just like America's Santa, except he's not as fat and he practices aikido, so those milk and cookies better be good!

Have a new year!

Sincerely,

jpblm

Special Japablum Non-Japan-Specific Bombshell: Life Ain't Fair, God Don't Care

Six years ago today, the great singer-songwriter Kirsty MacColl died while swimming off the coast of Mexico with her children.

Meanwhile, this bitch


this bitch


and this dumb bitch


ARE STILL ALIVE

Rest in Peace, Kirsty. Japablum loves you.

www.justiceforkirsty.com

Oh, It Is On: Krispy Kreme Opens First Store in Tokyo, Plans Fight to the Death with Mister Donut

This is gonna be fun (and delicious!) to watch. Japablum's prediction: the winner will be the corporate giant with the best bean paste filling.

Play fair, ladies!

Culture Report: Baseball Fan Daisuke Matsuzuka to be Paid $52 million to Instruct Boston Red Sox in Fine Arts of Japanese Calligraphy, Ikebana

Just another overpaid teacher.....

Mika Kano, Japan's New Ministress of Hosiery, Answers Your Questions

Dear Mika-chan:

You are so cute. I can't believe you're only 39! Anyway, I am trying to figure out what I'm going to wear to my big office Christmas party. I don't want to be too scandalous, so I was thinking of just wearing this frilly thing my mom used to dress me in when I was, like, 4 and then getting a stringy blonde weave. What do you think?

Signed,
Betty in Bratislava


Dear BiB:

What you propose is fine. Just make sure you will not be upstaged by your hosiery. For this purpose, I recommend perhaps a stringy RED weave.

Have fun!

Japablum Editorial: This is not a Sport, by Japablum

Now, we here at Japablum are manic pole smokers and speedo fanboys with rippled-abs-centric worldviews. That means we know better than anyone what makes a truly great Olympian athlete. So, in light of the recent Asian Games in Qatar, which a few short weeks ago we didn't know existed (and that you've just now found out about), we are compelled to ask: should an ununiformed person pointing a gun and shooting it be considered a competitive athlete?

The answer, of course, is no, and here's why: lifting, aiming, and shooting a gun doesn't necessitate even one trip to the men's locker room. Not one. And that, folks, means it is not a real sport.

The locker room visit is a necessary staple of all bonafide sports, and real athletes know that. Who among them doesn't look forward to waltzing into that musty, steamy, man-scented terrarium, undressing in front of his teammates, perhaps enduring a few playing towel snaps on the baby-soft bubble butt, and then strapping on the kleets and/or spandex for a little friendly competition? And then the showers. Who doesn't look forward to that?

So, to recap:

ATHLETE (hey, Craig!)


NOT AN ATHLETE




ATHLETES


NOT ATHLETES




ATHLETES


(alluringly greasy, but still) NOT ATHLETES

Breaking: Son of Godzilla Lactose Intolerant!

____________________




If you see him, do not give him ice cream!

2006 Asian Games Shocker: Things Get a Little Gay.....

.....when Madonna, Ute Lemper, and Faye Wong step out of the same horsedrawn hovercraft to the pulsating beat of Gina G's "Ooh Ahh Just a Little Bit."

2006 Asian Games Judo Judge: "Masahiro Takamatsu Thinks He's So Great"

"I could do that. If I wanted to. Would the crowd roar and shriek with unbridled excitement? No, probably not. But I could do it. With a springboard. And a trampoline. I could. I'm not impressed, Masahiro. Pick your teeth with your pinky toe. Then I'll cheer. You jerk."

The Teriyaki Boys Are Having a Party. Can You Bring the Okonomiyaki?

Sideways caps are optional. Giant-star-emblazoned hoodies are not.