Japablum would like to thank it's half-half dozen readers over the past few years for accidentally happening upon this blog when google searching "Mika Kano big tits"--and for being so bored that they actually came back more than one time. It means a lot. But we are tired. And we're involved in a new massive moneymaking venture--another blog! Visit it at seetimblog.blogspot.com.
Japablum likes to be useful. It's been a while since we've been able to offer our services for the betterment of others and society and whatnot, but Saturday Night Live and Ricky Gervais have delivered us an exquisite opportunity. The SNL digital short last week was an all-Japanese language version of The Office. But how are normal people supposed to make sense of all of the, ahem, japablum? That's where we come in. Herewith and foresooth, we offer our translation services so that you can more fully enjoy the digital short that will probably be pulled from youtube by the time we finish posting this.
Your welcome.
Love, Japablum
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[Opening Theme]
[phone rings; Japanese Pam answers]
JaPam: Hello, Dunder Mifflin Company, this is Pam.
[Japanese Michael enters]
JaMichael: Pam, Pam, Pam, Miss Pam! JaPam: [unintelligible] JaMichael: [unintelligible]
[Japanese Michael alone in office]
JaMichael: I'm the most interesting/fun boss in Japan [raises coffee mug, which reads "Most Interesting/fun Boss"]
[in Japanese Jim and Japanese Dwight's cubicle, JaJim picks up his phone and calls JaDwight]
JaDwight: Hello JaJim: Where's the stapler?
[JaDwight hangs up and opens a desk drawer, pulling out a jello mold with a stapler inside]
JaMichael: I'm the regional manager. JaDwight: And I'm the assistant regional manager. JaMichael: Assistant to the regional manager. Okay, let's exercise!
[JaPam interview] JaPam: My cat wants to get married! (?? no idea)
[JaMichael interview] JaMichael: I injured myself while working. Yes, I think so. Yes! Yes! Yes! (??. JaMichael's pronunciation is awful.)
OMG, we here at Japablum are so excited! We were browsing around the "Adult Treasure Expo" at the Makuhari Messe convention center near Tokyo and who did we come upon while poking around the masturbating machines but our old Japanese instructor Yokoyama sensei! He didn't seem to recognize us at first, busy as he was exploring the charms of the Piston Robot (pictured with Yokoyama-san above!), but as soon as we screamed his name from across the room, took his picture, and explained where exactly we knew him from, his eyes seemed to become unglazed and, after a quick respectful bow, he ran out of the room. Japablum thinks that he must have had an important appointment because otherwise why would he leave? Didn't he hear that there was also a bukkake booth?
And, thankfully, so does the Japan Fur Association, who recently awarded their coveted "Fur of the Year Award" to actor Hiroki Narimiya and actress Maki Tamaru, both of whose household pets recently died under mysterious circumstances. Japablum has launched an investigation into the deaths of Patrice and Harold, a Tazmanian she-wolf and Nigerian leopard respectively because we firmly believe that animals should not be killed just so that we humans can receive awards that aren't even made of gold. We hope to bring Narimiya and Tamaru to justice soon, and to give their awards to our cat Stella.
In the mean time, please enjoy our entry into the Fur of the Year contest:
Japablum would like to once again remind all three of its readers that pianos are not flame-retardant. Please remember to wear a fireproof suit whenever you have cause to believe that your piano will be anywhere near an open flame. Please. Learn from famous Japanese pianist Yosuke Yamashita, who knows how to take proper precautions when playing an improvised jazz performance on the beach. Anything can happen during those.
All three of Japablum's readers know that there are some things that just don't make sense conceptually until you actually see them. Consider the question, "What would a Japansese Cyndi Lauper look like?" A mindfuck of a query, no? We couldn't even get our heads around it. Then we saw this video. And the world once again made sense.
We here at Japablum have been struggling with who to support for President in the election this year. While we love Hilary Clinton and kind of relish the idea of her eating the Republicans every morning for breakfast (and hurling them up at lunch), we're preternaturally drawn to Barack Obama, probably because he's so clean and articulate. We love politicians that can speak good. And we can't even count the ways that we love his wife Michelle. Oh my God. That bitch absolutely MUST live in the White House for AT LEAST four years, if only to get fembot Laura Bush's librarian stench off the premises. Imagine what she'd do with the Christmas tree lights!
So, yes, we've been torn, but now, thanks to a tiny little town in western Japan (coincidentally called Obama), we're finally able to make our decision. Yes, Japablum is pleased to announce that, just like the native Obamans, we are endorsing the Barack.
We're just hoping that this doesn't go the way of Obama, Japan's last endorsement, Howard Dean. That was embarrassing.
"You know, these new robot waiters aren't really all they're cracked up to be. I mean, this is the second time one of them has brought me something that I totally didn't ask for. Like last Wednesday when I asked for a woolong tea and a small bowl of udon noodles drenched in milk chocolate? He brought me a deck of cards and a frisbee. It must be something with the new operating system. (I hear they're contracted with Microsoft, which is so sad!) But really, I just asked for a green tea smoothie and a Swedish massage. And look! He brought me a cigarette lighter and a pair of pink leg warmers. I'd laugh if I wasn't so freaking thirsty and tense!"
Japablum's fairy godmother Siouxsie Sioux, erstwhile of the Banshees and the Creatures, was at the Fillmore in NYC on Friday, and so was our camera phone! The show was life-changing. Japablum hadn't hopped up and down so much since we took that dare at the gay bar that time (and made all that money!).
Our Siouxsie looked awesome in her fitted harlequin jumpsuit, as you can clearly see. And, damn, her hair was big. Even better, she played Nightshift. And Arabian Nights!
Below: They Follow You, courtesy of someone else's cell phone or DVR device or something
Japablum is a big fan of the Haruki Murakami. He's a truly unique voice on the contemporary literary scene and, best of all, he never has a cartoon image of some skinny bitch shopping and chatting on a cell phone on the cover of his books. Well, the famously shy Murakami has finally submitted to a friendly press grilling in GQ Korea, and Japablum thought both of our readers would want to know.
Japablum first discovered Murakami when we were trolling through a Tokyo bookstore looking for something Japanese to read in English. We found Underground, Murakami's only nonfiction title, a series of interviews he conducted with surviving victims of theTokyo sarin gas attack in 1995. Murakami also talked to ex-members of the Aum Shinrikyo cult, the group that organized and executed the bizarre attack. Was the book a total bummer? Absolutely! But very interesting, especially for anyone interested in the Japanese way of looking at/dealing with tragedy.
Hey everybody! Takashimaya is having a great winter sale! All bikinis, speedos, visors, sarongs, and flip flops are 50% off! Celebrate the warming of the earth in style!
Japablum knows that if there's one thing both of our readers love more than toast, it's pandas. Well, welcome to Japaradise, Japablum readers. There is now a toaster that will burn the image of a panda onto your toast. We haven't been this excited since Sony introduced those Hello Kitty-shaped butt plugs.
Japablum would love to be able to write a rave review of the new official swimsuits for the Japanese Olympic swim team. Believe us, we would. But we just can't.
First of all, the point of swimsuits is to show off as much sinewy, toned, rippling, smoking hot human flesh as possible. So what gives with the unitard-like presentation? Where are the abs? Where are the pumped up pectorals? Where are the hamhock thighs and pleasantly plump packages? And what's with all the girls? Who invited them? By our count, there are only two dudes here, and they look as sexually imprecise as a pair of Ken Dolls.
Let us be clear. Swimsuits are supposed to entice. They are supposed to do more through less, not the other way around. If Japablum wanted to gawk at a bunch of folks dressed for a step aerobics class, we'd join one.
Japablum has an idea. Just scrap these suits and start over. Here's some inspiration:
There's a new excruciatingly cute group of girls dancing around Japan and emitting high-pitched squeals atop computerized electronic jibber jabber. Sad news, yes, but Japablum is even more upset to report that the name of this roving band of tutu'd cherubs is C-ute. We're not sure how this is pronounced, but, well, yikes. Is there a youtube video of these doomed, doomed ladychildren? Oh, Jesus, there is, and it's worse--so much worse--than we thought it would be.
Japablum is now going to stick our head in the toilet and give ourselves a swirly. We're hoping it will wipe our memories clean.
