Kaho Watanabe Awarded Prestigious "Best Hips" Award

Japablum would like to congratulate Ms. Kaho Watanabe, who was awarded the coveted "Best Hips" award by lingerie maker Triumph International recently during a ceremony held in Tokyo.



"I always take care of my bottom, but I'm embarrassed to show it today because I burned it by sitting on a hair iron the other day," Ms. Watanabe said after winning the title. The young babe's perserverence in the face of such adversity only goes to show that an ordinary girl with a kicking body wearing cotton underwear who is willing to display her ladyparts for a panel of judges, a gaggle of photographers, and a live audience can really make things happen for herself.

But her journey is really only just beginning. Watanabe, 18, who beat out 112 other contenders for the title, will go on to represent Japan in the Triumph International world finals to be held in Munich.



Japablum would like to wish Ms. Watanabe the best of luck. She's going to need it. Those German bitches have gigantic rumps! But she can always try her luck at the Best Bangs competition, which will surely be held in Tokyo sometime in the near future.

Dancing Asian Elvis Would Like That Cupcake, Houndog

No to the left. The one with the caramel swirls.

"How the Hell Am I Supposed to Play My Brahms on This Tiny Piece of Sh*t?"

"Listen, you people, I really have to put my foot down. Now, I love Hello Kitty as much as any other full-grown Japanese woman. I've got the Kitty stationery, and the crayon set and the underwear and the pie crust and the bowling ball and, of course, the shower nozzle. But what the f*ck is this? A tiny Hello Kitty piano, sure, I realize that. But how the hell am I supposed to play my Brahms on this thing? What's next? You going to make me eat my udon out of a Naruto thimble? Will I have to go to sleep on a Pokemon handkerchief and mop my floor with a toothpick and a DragonBallZ cotton swab? This is totally out of control. It's got to stop."

"Honestly, I can't even play 'Chopsticks' with chopsticks on this piece of crap."

Symantec Japan's Norton Fighter Mascot Goes on Rampage at Promotional Event, Steals Young Boy

Symantec Japan, a company that prides itself on being "a global leader in infrastructure software, enabling businesses and consumers to have confidence in a connected world," sure lost the confidence of a crowd of people gathered recently at an electronics store in Tokyo to witness the unveling of a new Symantec product, when the company's mascot, Norton Fighter, became upset, grabbed a young boy, and threatened to infect him with the Sasser virus unless someone provided him with a helicopter, two Tokyo auto show girls, and a magic cape that makes you invisible, like the one Harry Potter has. Even more incredible, Norton Fighter conveyed all of his demands with just his left hand.

Symantec Japan representatives scrambled to disable the robotic mascot with a remote control, but the Norton Fighter simply zapped them with his ray gun and slipped out a back entrance with the boy still screaming for his mommy and for his gameboy.

Symantec Japan has made a statement that they will not comply with the Norton Fighter's demands. Said the Symantec Japan CEO, who asked not to be named, "We don't negotiate with mascots."

Japablum Recommends: Blade Runner: The Final Cut

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Blade Runner is the best movie ever made. We think Jane Austen was the first to say that, and Japablum wholely concurs. Well, after years and years and years of waiting, all Blade Runner obsessives are about to have one hell of a Fall and Winter. Right now, the "final cut" of the film--including fixes to continuity problems, an extended eye-gouging scene (finally!), and Daryl Hanna picking up Harrison Ford by his nostrils--is in theatres in New York and L.A. Japablum has been walking into walls in anticipation, and we weren't dissapointed when we visited New York's Ziegfeld theater on Saturday 10/6 to drink in all the sci-fi majesty on the big screen once again.

Better yet, the Final Cut will finally be given the multi-DVD release treatment. From brmovie.com:

"There are SEVEN different DVD sets on pre-order at present (in the US - I wish I could say all countries would have exactly the same releases, but it seems I can't) - which you choose will depend on where you stand on the range of "like the movie" to "totally obsessed" (like me). What you get depends on whether you want 2, 4 or 5 discs, Standard DVD, HD-DVD or Blu-Ray and if you want the super-everything including collectibles briefcase or not (I'm not kidding)."




No, he's not kidding, and Japablum has already ordered the Blade Runner Final Cut Five-Disc Ultimate Collector's Edition, which comes in a silver briefcase modeled after the one Harrison Ford's Deckard carried around. What? We need a new one for work. It's not weird. Shut up.

The Blade Runner DVD extravaganza hits the streets on December 18. An excruciatingly long time to wait, but whatever. Japablum will not be leaving the house until that date so that we can be sure not to get hit by a truck before that sweet package arrives on our doorsteps. We recommend you do the same.

Actress Bai Ling, Visiting Tokyo Temple, Prays for Directions to Nearest Bahama Breeze

Bai Ling, third-tier Hollywood actress and patron saint of underdressed Asian ho-bags the world over, was seen recently visiting a Tokyo temple praying that "the Lord, or Buddha, or God, or something" would "like, send me a text message with directions to the nearest Bahama Breeze.”

“I mean, listen, BuddhaJesus," Ling continued, "I just need a freakin’ mohito and a table top to stand on in an all-pastel setting! Can you please help?”

Ling, whose dead eyes have inhabited roles ranging from Peepshow Girl in Edmond to Punky Photographer in Lords of Dogtown to Mysterious Woman in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, was in Tokyo to promote her naval and undergarments and to be photographed.

No word yet on whether her prayer was answered.

Japablum News Roundup

It's time once again to make sense of recent Japanese headlines by boling down the news of the past few weeks to it's basic elements with Japablum's helpful headline news matrix. Click on the picture below to receive sweet, sweet clarification.




And this week's coveted "Massive Irony Award" award goes to this lucky headline:

MAN GETS 22 YEARS FOR KILLING WOMAN IN SUICIDE ATTEMPT

Happy news gathering!