From the Heart of Smutty Kabukicho: Every Woman's Dream (Kind of)

Hey, sweet mama. How you feeling? Yeah, me and my friends are just taking a cigarette break between clients. What's that, baby? Yeah, we work at the same host club. Huh? Yeah, I guess we are all pretty supple. Thanks for noticing. You look kind of supple, too. Well, you know, for your age.

What'd you say? Yeah, we do all iron our hair. Actually, we have hair-ironing parties once a week at our boss's place here in Kabukicho. It's pretty fun. We also blindfold ourselves and cut each other's hair.

You really oughta come into the club for a while so we can get to know each other better. I'd show you a real good time once you bought a drink. There's nothing like good conversation with a lonely rich woman forced to pay money for companionship. Nothing like it.

Yeah, that's right. Drop those inhibitions. Come on in. You got any hairspray?

Easy Joke Dept: Velvet Revolver Denied Visas to Japan

Members of American cockrock band Velvet Revolver were recently denied visas to enter Japan to perform scheduled live shows thanks to Japan's strict new immigration enforcement rules. The rule in question states that "No member of any rock and roll outfit that officially lists Scott Weiland as a member will be aloud in the country. Sorry." Harsh!

Japablum Punts: Cute Video

If you don't want to end up stabbing yourself in the eardrums, we recommend you turn the volume off. You don't need to hear that shit. Just enjoy the li'l mammals.

Poor Piggy

If there's one thing Japablum knows all too well, it's that living with a ticking bomb in your midst is the best way to ensure fiscal responsibility. And Japanese toy giant Tomy is definitely on the same page, because they've just introduced the "Savings Bomb," a piggy-bank-type vessel that explodes if you don't regularly add money to it.

It's apparently meant to encourage folks to stop being so damn greedy and put some money away for later every once in a while. Or even more often than that. There's a pre-set interval (not sure if the owner will have any control over this, but Japablum thinks they shouldn't), and the li'l piggy must be fed or he will explode his inner coinage all over the place.


Kumiko is a greedy bitch and her little piggies know it.

Japablum Bra Report

Good news for all you laydeez out there who find yourselves continually stumped when you're trying to eat your bowls of rice while wearing only a bra and you just don't have anywhere to store those dirty used chopsticks afterwards. Because surely you're going to be wanting another bowl of rice pretty soon before putting on a shirt!

Triumph Japan has just introduced a "My Chopsticks" bra, with one cup styled like a bowl of rice and the other like a bowl of miso soup. And, of course, there is a side pouch for the aforementioned slimy, saliva-coated chopsticks so that you can easily reuse them. You know, put them back in your mouth. Or.....feed your boyfriend while he's unhooking your Chopsticks bra? Japablum supposes that that is an option, too.

Japanese ingenuity (Japangenuity!) doesn't take days off, dear readers.

"Sure, I Want to Be a Serious Actress, But in the Mean Time, I'll Just Continue to Do These Promo Events for DVD Releases"

"Yeah, you know, I'm going on auditions and stuff, but really the only things I end up getting are these. Yeah, the DVD of Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is coming out here in Japan, so, you know, here we are. A few weeks ago I dressed up for the Japanese release of Black Snake Moan, the Christina Ricci nympho movie? Yeah, I showed up to the event dressed as a black snake and I was planning on just, you know, doing a lot of moaning and stuff on stage. Well, I guess I was being too literal, because one of the prop people told me I just needed to put on some Daisy Dukes and a blonde wig and slut it up a little bit. Whatever, it was fun! But I'd like my next project to be something more serious. Like, I'd loooove to do a DVD release for a Meryl Streep movie. But I guess I'll have to wait until after Oscar season."

Power Puff Girls Arrive in Japan, Get Longer, More Supple Legs

The wildly popular American crime-fighting cartoon trio the Power Puff Girls have finally made their way across the Pacific and onto Japanese television screens. Though many Americans would consider the U.S. version of the three the wild-eyed, round-faced, and tiny-bodied young ladies to be plenty cute already, the Japanese public begged to differ, responding to the first satellite-beamed images of the U.S. cartoon with a resounding "meh."

So! It was decided that, for the girlies to have any kind of future in Japan, they would have to be somehow cuted up. Impossible, right? Not so. The Japanese are a resourceful bunch, and if there's one thing they can do better than any other country on this insane planet, it's draw a cute and unsettlingly sexually alluring cartoon. And they've done it again.



Look at them legs. And those skirts. The Power Puff Girls are now the slutty cheerleaders of every young boy's dreams. (Well, most boys. Japablum always preferred to dream about slutty quarterbacks whenever we fell asleep in our bedroom closet. When's that animé coming out, we'd like to ask?)

Hey, Grandpa, Buy This Shit!

Yo, old dude with manpurse, buy this shit. Don't be walking away. The Southern All Stars, one of Japan's most beloved rock bands, has a new album out, and you know you want to check it out. We got samples, we got promotional materials, we got coupons. (And hey, yo, Yuki over there ain't wearing no underwear, between you and me. I'm not saying that should influence your decision to visit our booth, I'm just saying.)

Hey, where you going, man? What I gotta say to get you to turn back around? We probably got some pills somewhere. And some Alford chocolate biscuits. Hey, Yuki! Bring some of those biscuits over here, dammit!

Kaho Watanabe Awarded Prestigious "Best Hips" Award

Japablum would like to congratulate Ms. Kaho Watanabe, who was awarded the coveted "Best Hips" award by lingerie maker Triumph International recently during a ceremony held in Tokyo.



"I always take care of my bottom, but I'm embarrassed to show it today because I burned it by sitting on a hair iron the other day," Ms. Watanabe said after winning the title. The young babe's perserverence in the face of such adversity only goes to show that an ordinary girl with a kicking body wearing cotton underwear who is willing to display her ladyparts for a panel of judges, a gaggle of photographers, and a live audience can really make things happen for herself.

But her journey is really only just beginning. Watanabe, 18, who beat out 112 other contenders for the title, will go on to represent Japan in the Triumph International world finals to be held in Munich.



Japablum would like to wish Ms. Watanabe the best of luck. She's going to need it. Those German bitches have gigantic rumps! But she can always try her luck at the Best Bangs competition, which will surely be held in Tokyo sometime in the near future.

Dancing Asian Elvis Would Like That Cupcake, Houndog

No to the left. The one with the caramel swirls.

"How the Hell Am I Supposed to Play My Brahms on This Tiny Piece of Sh*t?"

"Listen, you people, I really have to put my foot down. Now, I love Hello Kitty as much as any other full-grown Japanese woman. I've got the Kitty stationery, and the crayon set and the underwear and the pie crust and the bowling ball and, of course, the shower nozzle. But what the f*ck is this? A tiny Hello Kitty piano, sure, I realize that. But how the hell am I supposed to play my Brahms on this thing? What's next? You going to make me eat my udon out of a Naruto thimble? Will I have to go to sleep on a Pokemon handkerchief and mop my floor with a toothpick and a DragonBallZ cotton swab? This is totally out of control. It's got to stop."

"Honestly, I can't even play 'Chopsticks' with chopsticks on this piece of crap."

Symantec Japan's Norton Fighter Mascot Goes on Rampage at Promotional Event, Steals Young Boy

Symantec Japan, a company that prides itself on being "a global leader in infrastructure software, enabling businesses and consumers to have confidence in a connected world," sure lost the confidence of a crowd of people gathered recently at an electronics store in Tokyo to witness the unveling of a new Symantec product, when the company's mascot, Norton Fighter, became upset, grabbed a young boy, and threatened to infect him with the Sasser virus unless someone provided him with a helicopter, two Tokyo auto show girls, and a magic cape that makes you invisible, like the one Harry Potter has. Even more incredible, Norton Fighter conveyed all of his demands with just his left hand.

Symantec Japan representatives scrambled to disable the robotic mascot with a remote control, but the Norton Fighter simply zapped them with his ray gun and slipped out a back entrance with the boy still screaming for his mommy and for his gameboy.

Symantec Japan has made a statement that they will not comply with the Norton Fighter's demands. Said the Symantec Japan CEO, who asked not to be named, "We don't negotiate with mascots."

Japablum Recommends: Blade Runner: The Final Cut

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Blade Runner is the best movie ever made. We think Jane Austen was the first to say that, and Japablum wholely concurs. Well, after years and years and years of waiting, all Blade Runner obsessives are about to have one hell of a Fall and Winter. Right now, the "final cut" of the film--including fixes to continuity problems, an extended eye-gouging scene (finally!), and Daryl Hanna picking up Harrison Ford by his nostrils--is in theatres in New York and L.A. Japablum has been walking into walls in anticipation, and we weren't dissapointed when we visited New York's Ziegfeld theater on Saturday 10/6 to drink in all the sci-fi majesty on the big screen once again.

Better yet, the Final Cut will finally be given the multi-DVD release treatment. From brmovie.com:

"There are SEVEN different DVD sets on pre-order at present (in the US - I wish I could say all countries would have exactly the same releases, but it seems I can't) - which you choose will depend on where you stand on the range of "like the movie" to "totally obsessed" (like me). What you get depends on whether you want 2, 4 or 5 discs, Standard DVD, HD-DVD or Blu-Ray and if you want the super-everything including collectibles briefcase or not (I'm not kidding)."




No, he's not kidding, and Japablum has already ordered the Blade Runner Final Cut Five-Disc Ultimate Collector's Edition, which comes in a silver briefcase modeled after the one Harrison Ford's Deckard carried around. What? We need a new one for work. It's not weird. Shut up.

The Blade Runner DVD extravaganza hits the streets on December 18. An excruciatingly long time to wait, but whatever. Japablum will not be leaving the house until that date so that we can be sure not to get hit by a truck before that sweet package arrives on our doorsteps. We recommend you do the same.

Actress Bai Ling, Visiting Tokyo Temple, Prays for Directions to Nearest Bahama Breeze

Bai Ling, third-tier Hollywood actress and patron saint of underdressed Asian ho-bags the world over, was seen recently visiting a Tokyo temple praying that "the Lord, or Buddha, or God, or something" would "like, send me a text message with directions to the nearest Bahama Breeze.”

“I mean, listen, BuddhaJesus," Ling continued, "I just need a freakin’ mohito and a table top to stand on in an all-pastel setting! Can you please help?”

Ling, whose dead eyes have inhabited roles ranging from Peepshow Girl in Edmond to Punky Photographer in Lords of Dogtown to Mysterious Woman in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, was in Tokyo to promote her naval and undergarments and to be photographed.

No word yet on whether her prayer was answered.

Japablum News Roundup

It's time once again to make sense of recent Japanese headlines by boling down the news of the past few weeks to it's basic elements with Japablum's helpful headline news matrix. Click on the picture below to receive sweet, sweet clarification.




And this week's coveted "Massive Irony Award" award goes to this lucky headline:

MAN GETS 22 YEARS FOR KILLING WOMAN IN SUICIDE ATTEMPT

Happy news gathering!

Japablum's Sinuses Have Been Cleared

And to celebrate, we'd like to offer both of our readers this little comic snippet courtesy of Woody Allen and a super horny Japanese spy. If you haven't seen What's Up, Tiger Lily? yet, well, now you have something to do this weekend besides cry yourself to sleep!

Miss Universe 2006 First-Runner-Up Kirara Chibana to Reporter: "My Necklace Has No Comment"

Kirara Chibana, former Miss Japan and the first-runner-up in the 2006 Miss Universe Pageant, spoke on behalf of her crazy big necklace yesterday at a press conference after the necklace was directly challenged by a Daily Yomiuri reporter for being a showoff and a symbol of everything that is wrong with the world of unfettered capitalism and the acquisition of senselessly extravagant riches on the backs of the citizens of the third world. In response, Chibana held up her hand and cut him off, saying, "My necklace has no comment. Next question."

The next question was directed to the fluffy tufts just above her breasts that are made out of chichilla tails and have caused a stir among animal rights activists. The fluffy tufts also had no comment.

Japablum Restaurant Review: Mayonaise Kitchen

Stephen Colbert gives Tokyo's newest culinary sensation, Mayonaise Kitchen, a rave review.

Ann Coulter's Neck™ Busted For Trying to Shoplift Mini Skirt in Tokyo Boutique

Ann Coulter's Neck™ has been arrested and booked by the Tokyo Police Department for attempting to shoplift a mini skirt from a Harajuku boutique on the trendy Takeshita Dori shopping street in Tokyo yesterday. It is unclear why Ann Coulter's Neck™—which is known to have a substantial income from its numerous appearances on Ann Coulter bookjackets, for which it is paid handsomely—felt the need to lift a mini skirt from a shop without paying for it.

"I don't know what the Neck was doing here in the first place," said shop assistant Mariko Souseki, who caught the Neck in the act and promptly notified the police. "The average age of shoppers on this street is about 18, and that thing was clearly at least 46."

Indeed, Souseki is exactly right: Ann Coulter's Neck™ is exactly 46 years old.

"I knew it," Souseki said, excited. "That thing looked tired."

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The trashy skirt Ann Coulter's Neck™ is alleged to have attempted to abscond with.

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When asked what they think could be the motive for such a crime, the Tokyo Metropolitan Police released a statement saying, "We are unaware as of yet of any motive for the attempted theft. The Neck is currently meeting with its lawyer in jail. We will release more information as we know it."

"I don't even understand why she picked that particular skirt," Souseki continued. "It's a piece of junk. Like something a homeless, smack-addled prostitute would wear."

She then paused from looking through the racks for something more appropriate the Neck could have stolen.

"But I guess it had to cover that Adam's apple up with something."

Askuza (Ask a Yakuza)

Dear Three Naked Yakuzas:

What did you think of the recent mob-related murder of the mayor of Nagasaki?

Bowing deeply,
Jeremy

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Dear Jeremy,

If you want to lighten your hair more than three shades, we recommend that you don't do it at home. Have a trusted beautician take care of that. If you don't have a beautician that you trust, let us know and we'll have a talk with ours. She does great work and really knows how to strip pigment right out of a head of hair, whether it's connected to a neck or not.

Best,

3NY