Attack of Gigantic Fat Cheney Head Comes to Violent, Adorable Conclusion

The giant, fat, oily Cheny head that has been terrorizing the city of Tokyo for the past week was finally felled last night by beloved local cutey, Tare Panda, who swooped down on Cheney as he scaled Tokyo Tower and wrestled him to the ground after he tried to bite the head off of Astro Boy.

Though the fallout from Fat Cheney Head-gate could mean trouble for the diplomatic relationship between Japan and the United States--especially if Astro Boy decides to sue--the citizens of the city are right now more concerned about commencing the rebuilding of their city after such a brutal attack from a fire-breathing monster. Again.

Prime Minister Abe's office released a statement expressing sadness at Vice President Cheney's completely wild descent into madness, canibalism, and infanticide, and pledged to call a hault to all state visits to Japan by Bush administration officials in order to avoid the devestation and carnage that has been left in the wake of Cheney's meltdown.

"As a preemptive measure against further attacks," Abe explained, "no member of the Bush team will be allowed in. Especially Condoleeza Rice. I mean, can you imagine? (Shudder)."

Moreover, Abe continued, Japan's diplomat to the United States, Ryozo Kato, has been given the ok to leave his shoes on when he visits U.S. officials' houses.

"Tit for tat," Abe said. "It's only fair."

Meanwhile, Tare Panda, already a wildly popular Japanese pop culture icon, is said to be forming an exploratory committee to investigate a possible run for higher office.

Breaking: Giant Fathead Cheney Attack Getting Out of Hand

This really is becoming a problem. The impotent Japanese government has simply stood by as America's most powerful ever Vice President ravages the city of Tokyo looking for stray babies to feed on. Will the appetite of this sebaceous, bloat-tastic Cheney head ever be sated?

And now he's trying to take over Sophia Coppola's favorite hotel, the Park Hyatt! Where Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson didn't make love! This will not stand. But what can we at Japablum do? We're just a blog.

Where's Astroboy when you really need him?

Japanese Prime Minister Abe: Attack of Big Cheney Head "In Its Last Throes"

In a defensive statement Thursday in the wake of American Vice President Dick Cheney's morphing into a giant head and scowering Tokyo for freshly born Japanese babies after being denied them by government officials, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe appeared at a press conference in Shinjuku to calm the frazzled nerves of Tokyo residents and assure them that Dick Cheney's big fat head would soon exhaust itself and collapse.

"Fellow Tokyoites, the bitter violent attack by this gigantic, jowly Cheney head, I would say, is in its last throes."

Citizens of the Shibuya district begged to differ this morning when the swollen, unctuous, disembodied head scuttled from behind a Tsutaya CD and video store and started blowing smoke out of its ears and telling them all to go fuck themselves.

"Prime Minister Abe should have been in Shibuya this morning," Shibuya resident Yoko Okonomiyaki said to an NHK reporter just before his cameramen was swept up by Cheney's slick and slimy tounge and swallowed whole. "He doesn't know what he's talking about," she continued. "Does anything he say turn out to be true? I swear to God."

The globular, shiny Cheney head was last seen circling the city atop a Yamanote line train, screaming that everyone's questions about his lesbian daughter are completely out of line.

Cheney to Unidentified Japanese Officials Upon Deplaning: "Feed Me Babies"

American Vice President Dick Cheney shocked Japanese officials sent out to greet him as he deplaned at Narita Airport Tuesday when he took one of them firmly by the hand and demanded that he be fed fresh Japanese babies before he would consent to meet with any member of the Japanese government.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Vice President, I..." stammered the unnamed official.

"You heard me, pipsqueak," cajoled Cheney. "You want America on your side?"

"Well, actually, no..."

"Then serve 'em up, chump!"

He then pulled out his American Flag bib, a bottle of Heinz 57, and a plastic fork and knife, and returned to his seat on the plane.

Developing.....