Japablum

Japablum Retires

2008-07-28T00:18:00.003+09:00

Japablum would like to thank it's half-half dozen readers over the past few years for accidentally happening upon this blog when google searching "Mika Kano big tits"--and for being so bored that they actually came back more than one time. It means a lot. But we are tired. And we're involved in a new massive moneymaking venture--another blog! Visit it at seetimblog.blogspot.com.

Arigato and sayonara.

Japablum Translates: The Office

2008-05-20T11:24:00.005+09:00

Japablum likes to be useful. It's been a while since we've been able to offer our services for the betterment of others and society and whatnot, but Saturday Night Live and Ricky Gervais have delivered us an exquisite opportunity. The SNL digital short last week was an all-Japanese language version of The Office. But how are normal people supposed to make sense of all of the, ahem, japablum? That's where we come in. Herewith and foresooth, we offer our translation services so that you can more fully enjoy the digital short that will probably be pulled from youtube by the time we finish posting this.

Your welcome.

Love, Japablum

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[Opening Theme]

[phone rings; Japanese Pam answers]

JaPam: Hello, Dunder Mifflin Company, this is Pam.

[Japanese Michael enters]

JaMichael: Pam, Pam, Pam, Miss Pam!
JaPam: [unintelligible]
JaMichael: [unintelligible]

[Japanese Michael alone in office]

JaMichael: I'm the most interesting/fun boss in Japan
[raises coffee mug, which reads "Most Interesting/fun Boss"]

[in Japanese Jim and Japanese Dwight's cubicle, JaJim picks up his phone and calls JaDwight]

JaDwight: Hello
JaJim: Where's the stapler?

[JaDwight hangs up and opens a desk drawer, pulling out a jello mold with a stapler inside]

JaDwight: Stupid!

[JaPam laughts, JaMichael enters]

JaMichael: What's going on?
JaJim: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
JaDwight: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
JaPam: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[commercial break]

[conference room]

JaMichael: I'm the regional manager.
JaDwight: And I'm the assistant regional manager.
JaMichael: Assistant to the regional manager. Okay, let's exercise!

[JaPam interview]
JaPam: My cat wants to get married! (?? no idea)

[JaMichael interview]
JaMichael: I injured myself while working. Yes, I think so. Yes! Yes! Yes! (??. JaMichael's pronunciation is awful.)

[JaMichael singing karaoke]

JaDwight: Cheers!

[...and scene]

Japablum at Japan's First-Ever Adult Treasure Expo

2008-04-06T01:48:00.008+09:00

OMG, we here at Japablum are so excited! We were browsing around the "Adult Treasure Expo" at the Makuhari Messe convention center near Tokyo and who did we come upon while poking around the masturbating machines but our old Japanese instructor Yokoyama sensei! He didn't seem to recognize us at first, busy as he was exploring the charms of the Piston Robot (pictured with Yokoyama-san above!), but as soon as we screamed his name from across the room, took his picture, and explained where exactly we knew him from, his eyes seemed to become unglazed and, after a quick respectful bow, he ran out of the room. Japablum thinks that he must have had an important appointment because otherwise why would he leave? Didn't he hear that there was also a bukkake booth?

Japablum Thinks There Should Be More Awards Ceremonies

2008-03-26T10:30:00.005+09:00

And, thankfully, so does the Japan Fur Association, who recently awarded their coveted "Fur of the Year Award" to actor Hiroki Narimiya and actress Maki Tamaru, both of whose household pets recently died under mysterious circumstances. Japablum has launched an investigation into the deaths of Patrice and Harold, a Tazmanian she-wolf and Nigerian leopard respectively because we firmly believe that animals should not be killed just so that we humans can receive awards that aren't even made of gold. We hope to bring Narimiya and Tamaru to justice soon, and to give their awards to our cat Stella.

In the mean time, please enjoy our entry into the Fur of the Year contest:

We got totally shafted.

Japablum Public Service Message: Beware of Flammable Pianos

2008-03-20T10:49:00.004+09:00

Japablum would like to once again remind all three of its readers that pianos are not flame-retardant. Please remember to wear a fireproof suit whenever you have cause to believe that your piano will be anywhere near an open flame. Please. Learn from famous Japanese pianist Yosuke Yamashita, who knows how to take proper precautions when playing an improvised jazz performance on the beach. Anything can happen during those.

Remaking a Classic: The Japanese "We Are the World"

2008-03-01T04:45:00.003+09:00

All three of Japablum's readers know that there are some things that just don't make sense conceptually until you actually see them. Consider the question, "What would a Japansese Cyndi Lauper look like?" A mindfuck of a query, no? We couldn't even get our heads around it. Then we saw this video. And the world once again made sense.

Barack Obama to Also Be Elected President of Small Town in Fukui Prefecture, Japan

2008-02-29T09:36:00.006+09:00

We here at Japablum have been struggling with who to support for President in the election this year. While we love Hilary Clinton and kind of relish the idea of her eating the Republicans every morning for breakfast (and hurling them up at lunch), we're preternaturally drawn to Barack Obama, probably because he's so clean and articulate. We love politicians that can speak good. And we can't even count the ways that we love his wife Michelle. Oh my God. That bitch absolutely MUST live in the White House for AT LEAST four years, if only to get fembot Laura Bush's librarian stench off the premises. Imagine what she'd do with the Christmas tree lights!

So, yes, we've been torn, but now, thanks to a tiny little town in western Japan (coincidentally called Obama), we're finally able to make our decision. Yes, Japablum is pleased to announce that, just like the native Obamans, we are endorsing the Barack.

We're just hoping that this doesn't go the way of Obama, Japan's last endorsement, Howard Dean. That was embarrassing.

Office Lady: "Oh My God, I Totally Didn't Order That"

2008-02-17T14:51:00.003+09:00

"You know, these new robot waiters aren't really all they're cracked up to be. I mean, this is the second time one of them has brought me something that I totally didn't ask for. Like last Wednesday when I asked for a woolong tea and a small bowl of udon noodles drenched in milk chocolate? He brought me a deck of cards and a frisbee. It must be something with the new operating system. (I hear they're contracted with Microsoft, which is so sad!) But really, I just asked for a green tea smoothie and a Swedish massage. And look! He brought me a cigarette lighter and a pair of pink leg warmers. I'd laugh if I wasn't so freaking thirsty and tense!"

Siouxsie Sioux at the Fillmore: Japablum's Cell Phone Camera Will Not Be Denied

2008-02-12T12:22:00.001+09:00

Japablum's fairy godmother Siouxsie Sioux, erstwhile of the Banshees and the Creatures, was at the Fillmore in NYC on Friday, and so was our camera phone! The show was life-changing. Japablum hadn't hopped up and down so much since we took that dare at the gay bar that time (and made all that money!).

Our Siouxsie looked awesome in her fitted harlequin jumpsuit, as you can clearly see. And, damn, her hair was big. Even better, she played Nightshift. And Arabian Nights!

Below: They Follow You, courtesy of someone else's cell phone or DVR device or something

Japablum Recommends: Author Haruki Murakami, Who Finally Kind of Talks to the Press

2008-02-08T04:01:00.000+09:00

Japablum is a big fan of the Haruki Murakami. He's a truly unique voice on the contemporary literary scene and, best of all, he never has a cartoon image of some skinny bitch shopping and chatting on a cell phone on the cover of his books. Well, the famously shy Murakami has finally submitted to a friendly press grilling in GQ Korea, and Japablum thought both of our readers would want to know.

Japablum first discovered Murakami when we were trolling through a Tokyo bookstore looking for something Japanese to read in English. We found Underground, Murakami's only nonfiction title, a series of interviews he conducted with surviving victims of theTokyo sarin gas attack in 1995. Murakami also talked to ex-members of the Aum Shinrikyo cult, the group that organized and executed the bizarre attack. Was the book a total bummer? Absolutely! But very interesting, especially for anyone interested in the Japanese way of looking at/dealing with tragedy.

From that, Japablum moved on to Murakami's fiction. Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World and The Wind-up Bird Chronicle are our favorites. Norwegian Wood, the standard Murakami text in Japan that most of the Japanese public is readily familiar with, is our least favorite, but what do we know? We're just a blog.

Takashimaya Winter Sale Asks Customers to "Celebrate Global Warming"

2008-01-31T22:10:00.001+09:00

Hey everybody! Takashimaya is having a great winter sale! All bikinis, speedos, visors, sarongs, and flip flops are 50% off! Celebrate the warming of the earth in style!

At Last: Panda Toasters

2008-01-28T13:25:00.000+09:00

Japablum knows that if there's one thing both of our readers love more than toast, it's pandas. Well, welcome to Japaradise, Japablum readers. There is now a toaster that will burn the image of a panda onto your toast. We haven't been this excited since Sony introduced those Hello Kitty-shaped butt plugs.

Japablum Catwalk: New Japanese Olympic Swimsuits

2008-01-19T07:48:00.000+09:00

Japablum would love to be able to write a rave review of the new official swimsuits for the Japanese Olympic swim team. Believe us, we would. But we just can't.

First of all, the point of swimsuits is to show off as much sinewy, toned, rippling, smoking hot human flesh as possible. So what gives with the unitard-like presentation? Where are the abs? Where are the pumped up pectorals? Where are the hamhock thighs and pleasantly plump packages? And what's with all the girls? Who invited them? By our count, there are only two dudes here, and they look as sexually imprecise as a pair of Ken Dolls.

Let us be clear. Swimsuits are supposed to entice. They are supposed to do more through less, not the other way around. If Japablum wanted to gawk at a bunch of folks dressed for a step aerobics class, we'd join one.

Japablum has an idea. Just scrap these suits and start over. Here's some inspiration:

Ice Cream Headache Dept: C-ute

2008-01-03T22:37:00.000+09:00

There's a new excruciatingly cute group of girls dancing around Japan and emitting high-pitched squeals atop computerized electronic jibber jabber. Sad news, yes, but Japablum is even more upset to report that the name of this roving band of tutu'd cherubs is C-ute. We're not sure how this is pronounced, but, well, yikes. Is there a youtube video of these doomed, doomed ladychildren? Oh, Jesus, there is, and it's worse--so much worse--than we thought it would be.

Japablum is now going to stick our head in the toilet and give ourselves a swirly. We're hoping it will wipe our memories clean.

Japablum Loves Maya Rudolph

2007-12-27T02:55:00.000+09:00

Both of our readers have been asking us in recent weeks, "Japablum, where you been in these recent days? Wherefore not you posting very much?" And our answer is the same as it ever was: Japablum is lazy. Also: alas, we didn't reach our goal this year of increasing our readership to three readers, so we're doing what comes natural and taking it out on our present readership by not posting anything. In your face, two readers.

Anyway, what with the holiday cheer suffocating us to death as we walk down Brooklyn's finer avenues, we have started to feel remiss. So we're taking a break from lounging in our egg nog truffle bath and posting this excellent all-Japanese Saturday Night Live clip from a few years ago or something. Lose yourself in Maya Rudolph's excellent pronunciation. (We're talking to you, Mickey Rooney.) Laugh knowingly as the Japanese Lenny and Squiggy mistakenly keep saying "I understand!" ("Wakarimasu!") instead of "I don't know!" ("Wakarimasen!"). We feel more energized already.

Pwecious Wittle Pandas Dept: Panda Death Match

2007-12-17T12:08:00.000+09:00

A fight to the death at Adventure World in Shirahama, Japan. Japablum's money is on the black and white one.

Singer Kumi Koda Scared, Unsure What's Going On

2007-12-03T22:56:00.000+09:00

"I don't know, they just told me to show up in a blue dress. I thought it was a movie premier, you know? Like I was gonna get to meet one of those hot new American movie stars, like Dane Cook or something. But I wasn't expecting to hang around with a bunch of guys with shiny blue faces who don't say anything. They're scaring me. Do I have to hang out with them all night? I need to talk to my agent. And my dealer."

From the Heart of Smutty Kabukicho: Every Woman's Dream (Kind of)

2007-11-28T22:47:00.000+09:00

Hey, sweet mama. How you feeling? Yeah, me and my friends are just taking a cigarette break between clients. What's that, baby? Yeah, we work at the same host club. Huh? Yeah, I guess we are all pretty supple. Thanks for noticing. You look kind of supple, too. Well, you know, for your age.

What'd you say? Yeah, we do all iron our hair. Actually, we have hair-ironing parties once a week at our boss's place here in Kabukicho. It's pretty fun. We also blindfold ourselves and cut each other's hair.

You really oughta come into the club for a while so we can get to know each other better. I'd show you a real good time once you bought a drink. There's nothing like good conversation with a lonely rich woman forced to pay money for companionship. Nothing like it.

Yeah, that's right. Drop those inhibitions. Come on in. You got any hairspray?

Easy Joke Dept: Velvet Revolver Denied Visas to Japan

2007-11-21T22:25:00.000+09:00

Members of American cockrock band Velvet Revolver were recently denied visas to enter Japan to perform scheduled live shows thanks to Japan's strict new immigration enforcement rules. The rule in question states that "No member of any rock and roll outfit that officially lists Scott Weiland as a member will be aloud in the country. Sorry." Harsh!

Japablum Punts: Cute Video

2007-11-16T22:31:00.000+09:00

If you don't want to end up stabbing yourself in the eardrums, we recommend you turn the volume off. You don't need to hear that shit. Just enjoy the li'l mammals.

Poor Piggy

2007-11-14T05:57:00.000+09:00

If there's one thing Japablum knows all too well, it's that living with a ticking bomb in your midst is the best way to ensure fiscal responsibility. And Japanese toy giant Tomy is definitely on the same page, because they've just introduced the "Savings Bomb," a piggy-bank-type vessel that explodes if you don't regularly add money to it.

It's apparently meant to encourage folks to stop being so damn greedy and put some money away for later every once in a while. Or even more often than that. There's a pre-set interval (not sure if the owner will have any control over this, but Japablum thinks they shouldn't), and the li'l piggy must be fed or he will explode his inner coinage all over the place.

Kumiko is a greedy bitch and her little piggies know it.

Japablum Bra Report

2007-11-10T06:47:00.000+09:00

Good news for all you laydeez out there who find yourselves continually stumped when you're trying to eat your bowls of rice while wearing only a bra and you just don't have anywhere to store those dirty used chopsticks afterwards. Because surely you're going to be wanting another bowl of rice pretty soon before putting on a shirt!

Triumph Japan has just introduced a "My Chopsticks" bra, with one cup styled like a bowl of rice and the other like a bowl of miso soup. And, of course, there is a side pouch for the aforementioned slimy, saliva-coated chopsticks so that you can easily reuse them. You know, put them back in your mouth. Or.....feed your boyfriend while he's unhooking your Chopsticks bra? Japablum supposes that that is an option, too.

Japanese ingenuity (Japangenuity!) doesn't take days off, dear readers.

"Sure, I Want to Be a Serious Actress, But in the Mean Time, I'll Just Continue to Do These Promo Events for DVD Releases"

2007-11-06T22:45:00.000+09:00

"Yeah, you know, I'm going on auditions and stuff, but really the only things I end up getting are these. Yeah, the DVD of Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is coming out here in Japan, so, you know, here we are. A few weeks ago I dressed up for the Japanese release of Black Snake Moan, the Christina Ricci nympho movie? Yeah, I showed up to the event dressed as a black snake and I was planning on just, you know, doing a lot of moaning and stuff on stage. Well, I guess I was being too literal, because one of the prop people told me I just needed to put on some Daisy Dukes and a blonde wig and slut it up a little bit. Whatever, it was fun! But I'd like my next project to be something more serious. Like, I'd loooove to do a DVD release for a Meryl Streep movie. But I guess I'll have to wait until after Oscar season."

Power Puff Girls Arrive in Japan, Get Longer, More Supple Legs

2007-11-03T13:15:00.000+09:00

The wildly popular American crime-fighting cartoon trio the Power Puff Girls have finally made their way across the Pacific and onto Japanese television screens. Though many Americans would consider the U.S. version of the three the wild-eyed, round-faced, and tiny-bodied young ladies to be plenty cute already, the Japanese public begged to differ, responding to the first satellite-beamed images of the U.S. cartoon with a resounding "meh."

So! It was decided that, for the girlies to have any kind of future in Japan, they would have to be somehow cuted up. Impossible, right? Not so. The Japanese are a resourceful bunch, and if there's one thing they can do better than any other country on this insane planet, it's draw a cute and unsettlingly sexually alluring cartoon. And they've done it again.

Look at them legs. And those skirts. The Power Puff Girls are now the slutty cheerleaders of every young boy's dreams. (Well, most boys. Japablum always preferred to dream about slutty quarterbacks whenever we fell asleep in our bedroom closet. When's that animé coming out, we'd like to ask?)

Hey, Grandpa, Buy This Shit!

2007-11-01T09:50:00.000+09:00

Yo, old dude with manpurse, buy this shit. Don't be walking away. The Southern All Stars, one of Japan's most beloved rock bands, has a new album out, and you know you want to check it out. We got samples, we got promotional materials, we got coupons. (And hey, yo, Yuki over there ain't wearing no underwear, between you and me. I'm not saying that should influence your decision to visit our booth, I'm just saying.)

Hey, where you going, man? What I gotta say to get you to turn back around? We probably got some pills somewhere. And some Alford chocolate biscuits. Hey, Yuki! Bring some of those biscuits over here, dammit!

Kaho Watanabe Awarded Prestigious "Best Hips" Award

2007-10-28T03:54:00.000+09:00

Japablum would like to congratulate Ms. Kaho Watanabe, who was awarded the coveted "Best Hips" award by lingerie maker Triumph International recently during a ceremony held in Tokyo.

"I always take care of my bottom, but I'm embarrassed to show it today because I burned it by sitting on a hair iron the other day," Ms. Watanabe said after winning the title. The young babe's perserverence in the face of such adversity only goes to show that an ordinary girl with a kicking body wearing cotton underwear who is willing to display her ladyparts for a panel of judges, a gaggle of photographers, and a live audience can really make things happen for herself.

But her journey is really only just beginning. Watanabe, 18, who beat out 112 other contenders for the title, will go on to represent Japan in the Triumph International world finals to be held in Munich.

Japablum would like to wish Ms. Watanabe the best of luck. She's going to need it. Those German bitches have gigantic rumps! But she can always try her luck at the Best Bangs competition, which will surely be held in Tokyo sometime in the near future.

Dancing Asian Elvis Would Like That Cupcake, Houndog

2007-10-19T11:30:00.000+09:00

No to the left. The one with the caramel swirls.

"How the Hell Am I Supposed to Play My Brahms on This Tiny Piece of Sh*t?"

2007-10-16T07:58:00.001+09:00

"Listen, you people, I really have to put my foot down. Now, I love Hello Kitty as much as any other full-grown Japanese woman. I've got the Kitty stationery, and the crayon set and the underwear and the pie crust and the bowling ball and, of course, the shower nozzle. But what the f*ck is this? A tiny Hello Kitty piano, sure, I realize that. But how the hell am I supposed to play my Brahms on this thing? What's next? You going to make me eat my udon out of a Naruto thimble? Will I have to go to sleep on a Pokemon handkerchief and mop my floor with a toothpick and a DragonBallZ cotton swab? This is totally out of control. It's got to stop."

"Honestly, I can't even play 'Chopsticks' with chopsticks on this piece of crap."

Symantec Japan's Norton Fighter Mascot Goes on Rampage at Promotional Event, Steals Young Boy

2007-10-12T05:49:00.001+09:00

Symantec Japan, a company that prides itself on being "a global leader in infrastructure software, enabling businesses and consumers to have confidence in a connected world," sure lost the confidence of a crowd of people gathered recently at an electronics store in Tokyo to witness the unveling of a new Symantec product, when the company's mascot, Norton Fighter, became upset, grabbed a young boy, and threatened to infect him with the Sasser virus unless someone provided him with a helicopter, two Tokyo auto show girls, and a magic cape that makes you invisible, like the one Harry Potter has. Even more incredible, Norton Fighter conveyed all of his demands with just his left hand.

Symantec Japan representatives scrambled to disable the robotic mascot with a remote control, but the Norton Fighter simply zapped them with his ray gun and slipped out a back entrance with the boy still screaming for his mommy and for his gameboy.

Symantec Japan has made a statement that they will not comply with the Norton Fighter's demands. Said the Symantec Japan CEO, who asked not to be named, "We don't negotiate with mascots."

Japablum Recommends: Blade Runner: The Final Cut

2007-10-08T01:02:00.000+09:00

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Blade Runner is the best movie ever made. We think Jane Austen was the first to say that, and Japablum wholely concurs. Well, after years and years and years of waiting, all Blade Runner obsessives are about to have one hell of a Fall and Winter. Right now, the "final cut" of the film--including fixes to continuity problems, an extended eye-gouging scene (finally!), and Daryl Hanna picking up Harrison Ford by his nostrils--is in theatres in New York and L.A. Japablum has been walking into walls in anticipation, and we weren't dissapointed when we visited New York's Ziegfeld theater on Saturday 10/6 to drink in all the sci-fi majesty on the big screen once again.

Better yet, the Final Cut will finally be given the multi-DVD release treatment. From brmovie.com:

"There are SEVEN different DVD sets on pre-order at present (in the US - I wish I could say all countries would have exactly the same releases, but it seems I can't) - which you choose will depend on where you stand on the range of "like the movie" to "totally obsessed" (like me). What you get depends on whether you want 2, 4 or 5 discs, Standard DVD, HD-DVD or Blu-Ray and if you want the super-everything including collectibles briefcase or not (I'm not kidding)."

No, he's not kidding, and Japablum has already ordered the Blade Runner Final Cut Five-Disc Ultimate Collector's Edition, which comes in a silver briefcase modeled after the one Harrison Ford's Deckard carried around. What? We need a new one for work. It's not weird. Shut up.

The Blade Runner DVD extravaganza hits the streets on December 18. An excruciatingly long time to wait, but whatever. Japablum will not be leaving the house until that date so that we can be sure not to get hit by a truck before that sweet package arrives on our doorsteps. We recommend you do the same.

Actress Bai Ling, Visiting Tokyo Temple, Prays for Directions to Nearest Bahama Breeze

2007-10-03T04:06:00.000+09:00

Bai Ling, third-tier Hollywood actress and patron saint of underdressed Asian ho-bags the world over, was seen recently visiting a Tokyo temple praying that "the Lord, or Buddha, or God, or something" would "like, send me a text message with directions to the nearest Bahama Breeze.”

“I mean, listen, BuddhaJesus," Ling continued, "I just need a freakin’ mohito and a table top to stand on in an all-pastel setting! Can you please help?”

Ling, whose dead eyes have inhabited roles ranging from Peepshow Girl in Edmond to Punky Photographer in Lords of Dogtown to Mysterious Woman in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, was in Tokyo to promote her naval and undergarments and to be photographed.

No word yet on whether her prayer was answered.

Japablum News Roundup

2007-10-01T10:53:00.001+09:00

It's time once again to make sense of recent Japanese headlines by boling down the news of the past few weeks to it's basic elements with Japablum's helpful headline news matrix. Click on the picture below to receive sweet, sweet clarification.

And this week's coveted "Massive Irony Award" award goes to this lucky headline:

MAN GETS 22 YEARS FOR KILLING WOMAN IN SUICIDE ATTEMPT

Happy news gathering!

Japablum's Sinuses Have Been Cleared

2007-09-29T00:39:00.000+09:00

And to celebrate, we'd like to offer both of our readers this little comic snippet courtesy of Woody Allen and a super horny Japanese spy. If you haven't seen What's Up, Tiger Lily? yet, well, now you have something to do this weekend besides cry yourself to sleep!

Miss Universe 2006 First-Runner-Up Kirara Chibana to Reporter: "My Necklace Has No Comment"

2007-09-25T12:12:00.000+09:00

Kirara Chibana, former Miss Japan and the first-runner-up in the 2006 Miss Universe Pageant, spoke on behalf of her crazy big necklace yesterday at a press conference after the necklace was directly challenged by a Daily Yomiuri reporter for being a showoff and a symbol of everything that is wrong with the world of unfettered capitalism and the acquisition of senselessly extravagant riches on the backs of the citizens of the third world. In response, Chibana held up her hand and cut him off, saying, "My necklace has no comment. Next question."

The next question was directed to the fluffy tufts just above her breasts that are made out of chichilla tails and have caused a stir among animal rights activists. The fluffy tufts also had no comment.

Japablum Restaurant Review: Mayonaise Kitchen

2007-09-23T06:48:00.000+09:00

Stephen Colbert gives Tokyo's newest culinary sensation, Mayonaise Kitchen, a rave review.

Ann Coulter's Neck™ Busted For Trying to Shoplift Mini Skirt in Tokyo Boutique

2007-09-21T11:03:00.000+09:00

Ann Coulter's Neck™ has been arrested and booked by the Tokyo Police Department for attempting to shoplift a mini skirt from a Harajuku boutique on the trendy Takeshita Dori shopping street in Tokyo yesterday. It is unclear why Ann Coulter's Neck™—which is known to have a substantial income from its numerous appearances on Ann Coulter bookjackets, for which it is paid handsomely—felt the need to lift a mini skirt from a shop without paying for it.

"I don't know what the Neck was doing here in the first place," said shop assistant Mariko Souseki, who caught the Neck in the act and promptly notified the police. "The average age of shoppers on this street is about 18, and that thing was clearly at least 46."

Indeed, Souseki is exactly right: Ann Coulter's Neck™ is exactly 46 years old.

"I knew it," Souseki said, excited. "That thing looked tired."

--------------------

The trashy skirt Ann Coulter's Neck™ is alleged to have attempted to abscond with.

---------------------

When asked what they think could be the motive for such a crime, the Tokyo Metropolitan Police released a statement saying, "We are unaware as of yet of any motive for the attempted theft. The Neck is currently meeting with its lawyer in jail. We will release more information as we know it."

"I don't even understand why she picked that particular skirt," Souseki continued. "It's a piece of junk. Like something a homeless, smack-addled prostitute would wear."

She then paused from looking through the racks for something more appropriate the Neck could have stolen.

"But I guess it had to cover that Adam's apple up with something."

Askuza (Ask a Yakuza)

2007-09-18T11:24:00.001+09:00

Dear Three Naked Yakuzas:

What did you think of the recent mob-related murder of the mayor of Nagasaki?

Bowing deeply,
Jeremy

----------

Dear Jeremy,

If you want to lighten your hair more than three shades, we recommend that you don't do it at home. Have a trusted beautician take care of that. If you don't have a beautician that you trust, let us know and we'll have a talk with ours. She does great work and really knows how to strip pigment right out of a head of hair, whether it's connected to a neck or not.

Best,

3NY

Japablum Jukebox: Kiiiiiii

2007-09-17T11:59:00.000+09:00

Ok, these ladies are weird. Where've they been all our lives? They're called Kiiiiiii, and that's with 7 i's, bitches.

Here they are covering a Wiggles' song.

Track: 4 Little Joeys

Street Urchin From Distopian Future Wanders Onto Catwalk at Japan Fashion Week, Asks for Spare Change, Astringent

2007-09-13T12:55:00.000+09:00

A shellshocked street urchin from the future who has not washed her hair or removed the crust and dead skin from her face in many months has wandered onto the Tokyo catwalk during Japan Fashion Week, confusing members of the audience who aren't sure whether or not she is part of the new Toru Kato collection. She keeps pointing to her greasy panda eyes with one of ther seven fingers on her right hand. Also, she keeps holding out her other seven-fingered hand and asking for change. (They still have coins in the future?!)

Someone call Philip K. Dick and Ridley Scott! They'll know what to do. And bring some Witch Hazel!

Today in Japanese Political Resignations: Shinzo Abe

2007-09-13T01:55:00.000+09:00

Japablum really doesn't understand Japanese politics, and we know you don't either. All we really know for sure is that every year there is a series of increasingly boring scandals that put the nation of Japan into a deeper and deeper state of apathy and ennui that it deals with by developing new and completely unnecessary electronics. Or a new robot that can carry their live-in grandmothers down stairs or something.

Anyway, the past few months have been relatively exciting in the world of Japanese politics. Relatively. First, there was Prime Minister Shinzo Abe's foreign minister defending the use of the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Yes! The hometown crowd was not pleased. And now there is the Prime Minister himself resigning over being a militaristic nationalist or something. Ex. Cite. Ment.

We haven't been this keyed-up since the ascendency of Junichiro Koizumi and his hair to the Prime Minister's gilded throne back in 2001. That man had style.

Japablum is happy to report some good news for Abe, though. Hearing of his resignation, Israeli-British psychokenesis specialist Uri Geller was quick to snatch up the erstwhile Prime Minister and offer him a job. Congratulations to Shinzo Abe, Geller's new assistant spoon-bender!

Japablum Recommends: The Immoral, UnChristian Photography of Kohei Yoshiyuki

2007-09-11T11:30:00.000+09:00

If you're anything like Japablum, there's nothing that makes you more comfortable and relaxed than visiting the park at night, hiding in the bushes, and watching people do it. It just feels right.

Well, for the two people out there that are, indeed, exactly like Japablum, has the Yossi Milo gallery in NYC got a treat for you. Through October 20 the gallery will be hosting The Park, featuring photos by dirty perv Kohei Yoshiyuki, who roamed Tokyo's parks by night in the '70s hoping to get that perfect view of people screwing and people watching people screwing.

When Yoshiyuki showed his photos at the Komai Gallery in 1979 and it was considered an underground success. Sadly, like it does for the best of us, paranoia set in, and Yoshiyuki (a pseudonym) freaked out, destroyed a lot of the original photos, and pursued a new career path doing family portraits. So sad.

Yoshiyuki has since been found and convinced to hand over the remaining negatives so that a public hungry for black and white, grainy photos of ordinary, sometimes gay people doing extraordinarily naked things can be sated.

Bring cigarettes, please. We may need one.

The Japanese Tradition

2007-09-07T23:25:00.000+09:00

We at Japablum recently read somewhere on the interweb that the kids like their humor dry. Dry like dry ice. Dry like paint that was wet but has now dried. Dry like your "South Korea's Got Seoul" t-shirt just out of the dryer. And Japanese comedy group Rahmenz's faux-instructional video serires "The Japanese Tradition," distributed by Japan Culture Lab, can totally give the kids what they want. Can we get these in retro-tee shirt format?

Gay Japablum's Gay Coverage Gay of Gay Tokyo Gay Pride Gay

2007-09-05T22:04:00.000+09:00

Japablum tends to arrive at parties after all the best-looking people have already left, so it certainly makes sense that we are three weeks late posting about the Tokyo Pride Parade that went down in Yoyogi Park on August 11. (We were busy being late to London Pride, which was on June 30. OMG, everyone on Regent Street was fully clothed. Embarrassing!)

Anyway, we're sure all the gay weirdos in Tokyo had a marvelous time and hope they can all get gay married and start gay ageing soon!

In the mean time, Japablum is working on it's costume for Beirut Pride!

Masi Oka Upstaged by Sumo Wrestler at "Heroes" Tokyo Press Conference

2007-09-04T10:49:00.000+09:00

Masi Oka, returning to the nation of his birth for a press conference promoting his hit American television drama "Heroes," found himself upstaged by a sumo wrestler during what was meant to be Oka's time to shine on his home turf.

As Oka was speaking to the Tokyo press about his career in the American entertainment industry as an actor and computer animation specialist and discussing how he really is the embodiment of the American dream, a sumo wrestler appearing on stage with the "Heroes" cast lifted Oka's co-star Ali Larter into his arms and held her above his head, elliciting whoops and applause from the bored Tokyo press corps. The sumo wrestler then continued cradling Larter in his arms as Oka attempted to steal his thunder back.

"So as I was saying," Oka continued, "when I was doing my special effects work on the new Star Wars trilogy, I realized how far I'd come from my humble Tokyo beginnings." The crowd then erupted into enthusiastic applause, but sadly not because it was moved by Oka's story. Rather, it was because the sumo wrestler was now successfully juggling Ms. Larter, a chopstick, and an onigiri rice ball with tuna inside at the same time.

"...and," Oka continued, flustered, "I'd just like everyone to know that I'm living proof that dreams can come true!" But very few in the assembled crowd heard Oka's inspirational words, as most of them were cheering for the sumo wrestler, who was now juggling the aforementioned items (American blonde actress, chopstick, rice ball) while balancing on his big left toe, playing the Japanese drum with his right foot, and singing "I Gotta Be Me."

Then, as Oka, whose "Heroes" character Hiro has the ability to astral project himself, prepared to utter his signature phrase from the hit show ("yatta!", which translates to "I did it!"), he was once again interrupted by the sumo wrestler, who bellowed in his powerful baritone "yoku dekimashita!" (which translates to "I did it well!").

At this point Oka, visibly irritated, sat down and quietly started playing a computer game on his iPhone as the sumo wrestler astral projected himself, Larter, the chopstick, and the rice ball into the back of the press room, to the surprise and delight of the audience.

Japablum Week in Review: Headlines

2007-09-03T00:18:00.001+09:00

It's time again to try to make sense of this week's Japanese news by turning to Japablum's handy headline matrix. (Click to enlarge.)

Japablum Jukebox: Glay

2007-08-31T21:59:00.000+09:00

We've got a treat for all the folks out there who are fans of overwrought girly-men, spikey hair, and patent leather. It's visual-kei poster boy band Glay. (We don't know what it means either.) These guys are seriously emotional and they sometimes endorse chocolate and electronic products. Enjoy, and try not to have a seizure.

Track: Yuuwaku
Sponsored by: Vidal Sassoon

Prime Minister Abe Finds Lost Contact Lens

2007-08-30T08:58:00.001+09:00

Japablum is relieved to report that Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe found his lost contact lens while attending a memorial service to honor the Japanese war dead of World War II at Nippon Budokan Hall on the anniversary of the Japanese surrender. As Emporer Akihito and Empress Michiko looked on, Abe, who'd been having horrible headaches as a result of the missing lens, looked down and found it on the carpet. No word on why the lens would have been lying on the carpet at Nippon Budokan Hall.

However, Japablum is sad to report that Empress Michiko still hasn't found a hat that fits. Somebody do something!

Introducing: Askuza (Ask a Yakuza)

2007-08-28T11:30:00.001+09:00

It's time to give one of our lucky readers the chance to ask any question of our resident yakuza with complete immunity from retaliatory violence. You might not get the answer you want. But you will get an answer that you'll have to be satisfied with. (Sorry.)

Mr. Yakuza,

Have you ever killed a man without even meaning to?

Respectfully,
Boris
---------
Dear Boris,

Butter a 13-by-9-inch glass baking dish. Cut twelve 1-inch-thick diagonal slices from bread (reserve ends for another use). Generously butter one side of each slice and arrange slices buttered sides up in one layer in buttered dish, squeezing them slightly like a human neck to fit if necessary.

Whisk together eggs, milk, severed finger, and salt in a bowl until well combined, then pour evenly over bread. Refrigerate, covered, until bread has absorbed all of custard, at least 1 hour (time may vary depending on bread).

Put a rack in middle of oven and preheat oven to 425° F. Bring soaked bread to room temperature and slice off ear of guy following you.

Sprinkle bread with sugar and some guy's teeth. Bake until bread is puffed and top is golden, about 25 minutes. Serve immediately, with maple syrup.

Yours,
a yakuza-type

Japablum Marketplace Report: Avril Lavigne-Head Handbags Flying Off Shibuya Shelves

2007-08-27T12:48:00.000+09:00

A new brand of Avril Lavigne-head handbags are the latest "kawaii" (cute) product to capture the attention of young female shoppers in Tokyo's trendy Shibuya district. The Canadian pop singer, whose famous shrunken head has graced countless teen magazine covers in Japan, has been ruining everyone's summer for going on three months now with her catchy home-wrecker anthem "Girlfriend." Now she appears to be poised to ruin many Falls and Winters, at least in Japan.

"Her face is so cute, like a pair of red Oh Deer! Patent Peeptoes or a baby duck," says Shibuya shopper Kai. "Her miniature head is the perfect size to fit all of my makeup, hair products, and self-tanning cream, not to mention my emergency eyelash extensions and my favorite hand mirror," she continues as her mother, Ryoko, rolls her eyes and sticks her index finger towards her mouth in the international hand signal for "gag me."

Kai's shopping mates agree. Best friend Keiko has moved the new Lavigne-head bags to the top spot on her Top Ten Cute Things That I Need at Least Five Of list, a list that also includes the Kawaii Geisha Tea Set, the Angry Babyz stuffed animal collection, and the Hello Kitty Pullip Doll.

Thanks to the popularity of the Lavigne-head handbag collection, the company that produced them is currently looking into developing similar items, including Avril Lavigne-head change purses, Avril Lavigne-head earrings, and Avril Lavigne-head malted milk balls.

"Oh, malted milk balls would be perfect!" Kai enthused. "I want to be able to eat Avril Lavigne's head!"

No doubt an activity that Kai and her mother can enjoy.

Japablum Week in Review: Headlines

2007-08-24T12:22:00.000+09:00

It's Friday and that can only mean one thing: edamame enchildadas for lunch! Also, it's time to take a look at the most riveting headlines of the week from the always reliably insane Japanese news:

BOYFRIEND HELD IN DEATH OF WOMAN WHOSE BODY WAS DROPPED OFF AT HYOGO HOSPITAL

MOTHER APPEALS 14-YEAR SENTENCE FOR KILLING 4-YEAR-OLD SON WHO DISTURBED HER DATE

POSITIVE TREND IN TRAFFIC SAFETY

GANG BOSS SHOT IN KUMAMOTO IN APPARENT REPRISAL OF FUKUOKA SHOOTING

79-YEAR-OLD MAN FOUND STRANGLED IN YAMAGUCHI; MISSING GRANDSON SUSPECTED

FAKE BRAND SEIZURES HIT NEW HALF-YEAR HIGH

NEW EFFORT TO BOOST TOURISM

Five free edamame beans to the first person to guess which one is fake. (Hint: None of them are fake.)

Be careful in traffic!

Japablum Countdown to Friendship: Results!

2007-08-24T11:11:00.000+09:00

It's happened. Japablum is now officially friends with one Siouxsie Sioux. She's now in our myspace top 3, right behind our dealer and our Native American friend Paco (or something!). We've already gotten, like, six bulletins sent just to us and nobody else. Because not just anyone can get bulletins on myspace.

Goldar: "If America Were Run By Space Giants, None of This Would Be Happening"

2007-08-23T06:07:00.001+09:00

Goldar, the giant golden statue living with his family in a volcano outside of Tokyo, has recently taken to criticizing the Bush administration's aggressive and unabashed incompetence, and this morning the gilded mammoth held another press conference outside his home of Mount Olympian in order to let the Japanese public know where he stands on the latest American fuck-ups and flapdoodles.

"I think it goes without saying," said Goldar in his tinny, echoey baritone, "that if American were run by Space Giants, none of this would be happening."

When pressed on what exactly he was referring to, the long-haired giant unleashed a barrage of criticisms of the administration of George W. Bush.

"Well, really, where do I start?" he bellowed. "Iraq is a quagmire that should have been foreseen (I'm talking to you, Cheney). Cronyism is rampant and, as was demonstrated in the Gulf Coast, deadly. Incompetence is obviously a prerequisite for service to this president. Not to mention that Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught yet. Honestly, how hard is it to smoke someone out of a cave? It's what my antennae were made for. And don't tell me that Dick Cheney or Condeleeza Rice don't have antennae. They have antennae. Trust me."

Goldar didn't stop there.

"And who is this Alberto Gonzales character? Has he ever remembered anything ever in his life, ever? And I really wish someone would please change Laura Bush's batteries. She's been running low for a while now."

Though he's outspoken about the current American leadership, he stops shy of endorsing any of the 2008 presidential candidates.

"It's too early to tell. Although I will say that Hilary Clinton seems to have very expert wiring."

Japablum Needs a Hot Compress

2007-08-22T23:53:00.000+09:00

Yes, Jabablum is back from its brief prison vacation and is ready for action. And a nap. And a stomach pump. We'll be posting shots from our trip when we find the camera.

Japablum Out of Office Reply

2007-08-14T21:44:00.000+09:00

Japablum is getting ready to go on vacation (if you can call supporting our troops by embarking on a USO tour of Key West with our pool boy and his younger brother a vacation!). So we're going to leave you today with a small collection of recent headlines from Japan. Just because we're getting the hell out of town doesn't mean we want our readers to be ill-informed about all the horrifying goings on in the safetiest country in the world.

Tuesday, August 14
MOTORCYCLIST RIDES 2KM BEFORE REALIZING HIS LEG WAS SEVERED IN SHIZUOKA

BABY BOY ABANDONED AT TOKYO DEPARTMENT STORE

Monday, August 13
WIFE STABS HUSBAND TO DEATH IN CHIBA

17 DEAD, 2 MISSING IN ACCIDENTS ACROSS JAPAN

Sunday, August 12
WOMAN, 24, ARRESTED FOR BEATING 2-YEAR-OLD SON TO DEATH IN ASAHIKAWA

Friday, August 10
WAKAYAMA COP ARRESTED FOR MOLESTING SCHOOLGIRLS

NUMBER OF CHILD ABUSE CASES REACHES RECORD HIGH

Thursday, August 9
BOY, 5, DIES AFTER BEING BEATEN UP BY MOTHER'S CO-WORKER AT SEX SHOP

いってきます、y'all.

Japablum's Countdown to Friendship

2007-08-12T14:20:00.000+09:00

As both of our dedicated readers may not know, we here at Japablum are used to being roundly ignored. It is part of what we do. We scream into the void and the void roundly ignores us.

Well, the void strikes again, this time on the myspace. We recently sent a friend request to our fairy godmother, fellow Japan-lover Siouxsie Sioux, because myspace friendship is so significant, lasts forever, and practically guarantees that you get lots of bulletins on myspace. This, as both of our readers know, is the hallmark of any true friendship. Alas, Siouxsie has not answered our request. She's just not ready to commit. (Click on the above picture for proof.) So today Japablum starts its Countdown to Friendship with Siouxsie!

Yeah, whatever, it's f**king Monday, give us a break.

Japablum Jukebox: Morning Musume

2007-08-11T07:21:00.001+09:00

It's a cold, rainy day in NYC, and that means that we need some color in this dank, dark room! Also, we need to annoy ourselves to within an inch of our lives in order to stay awake, which is why today's Jukebox features the nursery school squeak-pop of Morning Musume. Listen, watch, and just try to resist the compulsion to punch your computer screen in the face. It's impossible!

Track: GO Girl ~ Koi no Victory
Possible Side Effect: Death by Eyerolling

Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ Attempts to Frighten Crowd at Sumo Tournament, Is Completely Ignored

2007-08-08T11:33:00.000+09:00

Well, it appears that Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ doesn't freak the crowds out like it used to. There was a time when all it had to do was show up in Shinjuku and people would start spontaneously projectile vomiting and running for their lives. But Tokyoites, though they enjoy a good scare, quickly get bored with the same gargantuan, reptilian beast attacking them over and over and over.

So when Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ attempted to crash a sumo tournament in central Tokyo by swinging in from the rafters and screeching about the irrelevance of the New York Times and the success of the troop surge in Iraq, the audience just ignored it and continued their enjoyment of the sumo. But if there's one thing Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ can't take, it's being ignored. At one point, Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ brushed up against a wrestler as he was crouching down in preparation for a lunge, and he swatted the Neck away like a fly. (A colossal fly made of leather.)

Unfortunately for the Neck, nothing comes between a sumo fan and his sumo. Once it became clear that it wasn't making the splash it had hoped for, Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ slunk away, but not before attempting to bait the crowd by calling them "sashimi socialists" and making lurid and sexually provocative gestures with its Adam's apple.

Asked afterwards what he thought of the failed impromptu attack, salaryman Yohichi Nakamura, who was attending the sumo tournament with his family, said "What? A neck? Oh, that thing. Yeah, I saw it for a minute but then I forgot it was even there."

Ann Coulter's Giant Neck™ is reportedly rethinking its strategy for making it big outside the U.S. Luckily, it will always be able to collect a paycheck thanks to its regular appearances on Fox News alongside Sean Hannity's Eyebrows™.

Our Changing World: Major Hollywood Movie Features Prominent Japanese Hero That Isn't Complete Stereotype

2007-08-07T00:05:00.000+09:00

In a shocking and unprecedented development in the history of Hollywood moving pictures, the new film Sunshine from Fox Searchlight, directed by Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, Shallow Grave, 28 Days Later), features a Japanese actor/character in a very prominent role who isn't an almalgamation of outdated stereotypes. In the film, Japanese dreamboat Hiroyuki Sanada, the brooding and fiercely handsome star of Twilight Samurai, The Promise, and Ringu, plays Kaneda, the captain (the captain!) of the deep space ship Icarus II, which is tasked with transporting a thermonuclear bomb with a massive payload to the dying sun in the year 2057 in order to reignite it and save all mankind or something.

Shockingly, Kaneda is not a wise and mysterious karate master, a kamikaze pilot, a short salaryman on an elevator, or a samurai. He is the stoic and heroic captain of a spaceship, a role usually reserved for famous white actors.

"This really signifies a change in perceptions of what Asian actors can bring to the Hollywood system," said New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis. "Be they Chinese, Japanese, or.....you know, Chinese or Japanese."

Professional contrarian Richard Roeper begs to differ on the tipping point suggested by some of his colleagues. "Oh, please. You know what Sanada's next movie is? Rush Hour 3. I don't khow about you, but I'm expecting at least a hundred karate chops in the that one. And he'll probably say the word "erection" when he means "election."

Japablum Recommends: Godzilla Attacks MOMA

2007-08-04T03:47:00.001+09:00

Remember back in 1954 when the original Godzilla was released in the U.S. with a massively different thematic thrust than the anti-nuclear-weapons Japanese version? And the edited-in addition of white man Aaron Burr as an American reporter guy? Because the suits at the studio decided that American audiences just couldn't handle an all-slanty-eyed cast? Good times. Well, the original, unexpurgated, all-Jap/no-whitey version is being shown at NYC's MOMA Saturday 8/4 and Monday 8/6. Attention nerds: If you're not in NYC or you are but you never leave the house for legal/psychological/social/geopolitical reasons, the original is out on DVD now, too.

Japablum Language Lesson: 日本とアメリカのマクドナルド

2007-08-02T11:13:00.000+09:00

Koichi-san visits an American McDonalds to compare it with the McDonald's in his homeland. Listen closely and answer the questions, flunkies.

1. The size of the Big Mac in the US is ______________ the size of the Big Mac in Japan.

a. larger than
b. the same size as
c. Americans are so fat

2. A medium drink in this American McDonald's is the same size as ____________ in a Japanese McDonald's.

a. a medium drink
b. a large drink
c. the kitchen and break room combined

3. What do Americans like to have with their fries?

a. ketchup
b. ice cream
c. more fries, another burger, a milkshake, and a blowjob

4. Japanese McDonald's are _________ than American McDonald's.

a. funnier
b. cleaner
c. sexier

5. Aren't meaningless quizzes fun?

a. yes! can i have my underwear back now?
b. no, you're so freaking gay.
c. did you say something, grandma?

video from tofugu.com

Are You There God? It's Us, Japablum

2007-07-31T10:44:00.000+09:00

God, we haven't been in touch in a while. How are you? Anyway, the reason we're calling out to you in a fit of desperate emotional turmoil is because we've been trolling the internet and we've just discovered some truly shocking and upsetting news: you know how Siouxsie Sioux and her husband/drummer Budgie are our fairy godmother and -godfather, respectively? Well, we hear from the internets that they're separating after a quarter-of-a-century together. Could this possibly be true, God? Answer us! We don't want to be a blog of divorce, a latchkey blog, a blog that is forced to spend its weekends with one fairy godparent who will invariably just spend the whole weekend trying to turn us against the other fairy godparent. It just all sounds so horrible, and we'd much rather spend our weekends listening to "Happy House!"

Even worse, Siouxsie has a new album coming out soon--her first solo album ever--and it is her first album in 27 years to not feature Budgie. Flow Our Tears, the Policeman Said. Or something. Anyway, God, can you tell us, is the album gonna rock?

Siouxsie and Budgie. The two coolest Japanophile nerds ever. Separating. We feel, how do you say, 悲しい。 Yes, we feel complete and total 悲しみ。

(Sound of tears bursting forth from eye sockets and dribbling down cheeks.)

Dita von Teese Visits Tokyo to Teach Women How to Be More Severe, Angular, Translucent

2007-07-30T09:16:00.000+09:00

Celebrated burlesque performer and ex-wife of 36-year-old brooding teenager Marilyn Manson recently visited Tokyo to do her famous martini glass routine and instruct Japanese women how to be less cherubic and round-faced and more sharp-featured, angular, pale-faced, and frightening.

"We have so much to learn from her," said Japanese bombshell and famous-for-something-or-other (and Japablum's periodic advice columnist!) Mika Kano. Though Kano and her sister Kyoko could most certainly beat von Teese to death with their bulbous breasts without breaking a sweat, the two agreed that their weird American sensei does have advantages of her own.

"Her face is so narrow and sharp," explained Kyoko. "It could probably cut glass. I want my face to be able to cut glass, too."

"Me too," intoned Mika. "And I also want my face to be visible from space!"

At press time there was no word from Ms. von Teese on the plausibility of this second proposal, though she was quoted as saying she "would be happy to help" with the whole cutting glass thing.

True Blue-era Madonna Mirage Appears at Kyoto's Kinkakuji Temple, Stunning Onlookers

2007-07-27T03:19:00.000+09:00

A bizarre occurrence yesterday at the grounds of the famous Kinkakuji temple, ("Temple of the Golden Pavilion") in the historic Japanese city of Kyoto has many locals and tourists buzzing about supernatural intervention in the country's former capital. At approximately 2:30 Wednesday afternoon, the face of American pop star Madonna appeared on the surface of Mirror Pond in front of the temple, confounding visitors and temple staff and causing ripples of curious laughter to travel through the crowd.

Interestingly, it was not a contemporary image of the singer--say, one of her engaged in some kind of Kaballah pose or even a still from her celebrated film Swept Away--that appeared amidst the picturesque trees and the gilded temple structure. It was from the cover of the singer's True Blue album during her '80s heydey, when the top ten singles seemed to fall like raindrops from the sky and before she went all Eurotrash.

"I'm so excited!" exclaimed visitor Yuka Yamazaki. "True Blue is my favorite Madonna album!"

Workers at the temple struggled to keep the stunned public in order.

"Please, folks, keep the line moving!" shouted one tour guide. "It's not like it's the Confessions on a Dance Floor album art where she's all spread eagle in a leotard!"

Kinkakuji press officer Ryuji Okajima said that a group of experts, including meteorologists, phycologists, and Madonna's publicist, have been called in to try to determine how this may have happened.

In the meantime, the temple is enjoying the surge of interest in the Golden Pavilion.

"We all knew Madonna was good at promoting herself," Okajima commented. "But who knew she'd be so good at promoting a golden buidling that houses relics of the Buddha!"

Boxers Decide to Stop Fighting, Buy a House in Connecticut, Open Dog Grooming Shop

2007-07-24T00:18:00.000+09:00

It was round twelve of sweaty, hairless, man-on-man pounding during the World Boxing Council's flyweight championship in Tokyo when, nearly obliterated by their palpable sexual frustration, the two combatants—Daisuke Naito of Japan and Pongsaklek Wonjongkam of Thailand—in a move that has shocked the world of pro boxing, both decided that they just couldn't deny their feelings any longer. The men stopped the fight, embraced, and declared that they would both quit boxing, buy a house "somewhere in Connecticut, probably," and open a dog grooming salon called "Doggy Style."

"I love this man, that's all I know," gasped Naito through a flood of blood and tears. "We can share the champion belt, put it over our bed or something."

The big question on everyone's wagging tongues is, of course, will the two professionals quit boxing completely, and if not, would they ever go head-to-head again, and if so, would they do it naked on pay-per-view or provide a downloadable podcast file or something?

"Right now I think we're tired of fighting," said Wonjongkam, smacking Naito on his tight, tight ass.

Japablum would like to offer our heartfelt congratulations. We also would like to request from the two lovebirds explicit, uncensored photos for the Greatest Moments in Gay Boxing coffee table book we're working on.

Today in Gaysian Preacher Stereotyping: Rob Schneider

2007-07-21T03:25:00.000+09:00

You didn't think that innocuously doughy and white Hollywood actors of the 1950s (see Rooney, Mickey; "Breakfast at Tiffany's") were the only ones who had the license to portray Japanese men as sexless, retarded doofuses, did you? Well, if you did, D-list half-Filipino Rob Schneider, who makes an appearance in the new somehow-not-straight-to-video Adam Sandler movie "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," is here to change your mind. And he adds a little spice to the mix this time: the sexless, retarded Japanese doofus is gay! And a preacher who performs same-sex ceremonies! And living in Canada! Hilarity!

Thankfully, Schneider retains the oversized glasses so his audience of knuckle draggers will know without a doubt the esteemed tradition of funloving Asian stereotyping that his performance belongs to.

Arigato, Rob-san!

Japablum Recommends: Paprika

2007-07-19T12:37:00.000+09:00

You know how drugs are sometimes too scarce or expensive or unprescripted? And how your dealer is completely unreliable and sometimes doesn't return your calls for hours?! We've got the solution. Get yourself down to the local cinemaplex and see the new Satoshi Kon movie "Paprika." It will make your brain hurt so good. The complicated plotline may elude you in parts (or totally!), but it's a feast for the bloodshot eyes, and features the most wonderfully demonic gigantic porcelain doll we've ever seen.

Today's Display of Anime: Girl With Mouth That Overtakes Her Chin

2007-07-18T07:19:00.000+09:00

We must be honest. This picture makes Japalbum's head hurt. It really does. It's not the gigantic eyes, the negligible nose, or the overall jack-o-lantern quality of the presentation. Naturally, it's the crazy long mouth. Is that a football stuck to her face or is she just happy/terrified to see us? (Or both?) Why does it need to be so large? What is it trying to convey? Is it planning an invasion of her whole head? We're confused by it.

Newly Crowned Winners of "Japan's Got Talent!" Hope to Record Album, Get a Sitcom

2007-07-16T08:27:00.000+09:00

The robot singing and dancing trio Ummei no Imoto no Roboto ("Destiny's Younger Sister's Robot"), new champions of the televised talent competition "Japan's Got Talent!", have announced that they hope that they can parlay this win into some lucrative gigs like a record deal, a theme restaurant, and maybe even a sitcom.

The trio, which performed the song "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend (Was a 'Bot Like Me)?" in its final performance before the voting, were made by Kawada Industries, the company that will also negotiate their record contract, endorsement deals, television appearances, Maxim photo spreads, romantic entanglements, and every other aspect of the members of Destiny's Younger Sister's Robot's public lives.

"It's so exciting!" beemed band member TS-1097TY876 at a post-show press conference. "The world has really opened up for us. And even though we can't make any of our own decisions and can be turned off and reprogrammed at any moment by Kawada Industries, the most brilliant company in the history of the world, we think this is just the beginning!"

Japablum Jukebox: Japanese R.E.M

2007-07-13T21:32:00.000+09:00

This week Japablum would like to send you off on your weekend of broken friendships and lousy sex with this 90's R.E.M. ditty performed (visually) by a much sexier crew in Japan.

Track: Crush With Eyeliner

Japan Unveils It's Latest, Greatest Weapon in the War on Terror

2007-07-12T11:40:00.000+09:00

Today the Japanese government unveiled its most potent and deadly weapon yet in the international war on terror: it's a stuffed Hello Kitty doll fully enveloped within a stuffed panda bear. Sinister.

Moreover, Japablum has obtained exclusive access to secret Japanese government plans that outline its intention to drop these new Hello-Kitty-in-a-Panda dolls over strategic locations within the next few days with the intention of cute-ing the evil-doers to death.

Take it from Japablum, the power of these dolls cannot be overestimated. We passed out in a Hello Kitty store once and were out cold for days. Thankfully we were rescued by Deborah Harry and wisked away to St. Thomas to recuperate while Debbie serenaded us with all her greatest hits (her solo hits, but still, hits! sort of.), and we sustained no permanent injuries. But oh, the nightmares.

Checking In With: Ryuji, Sex Doll Inspector

2007-07-09T12:09:00.001+09:00

Japablum: Hi, Ryuji! How've you been? Busy, we bet!

Ryuji: Yes, I am constantly on my toes, as it were.

J: Ever on your knees? (winking, nudging, giggling)

R: On my knees? What do you mean? Why would I be on my knees?

J: So, do you ever talk to the dolls?

R: No, except for Kumi, I don't talk to them much. It's not really part of my job. I mostly spend my time jiggling their breasts to make sure they're firm enough. Sometimes I have to squeeze them.

J: And do you also have to occasionally rub and wiggle your face between them?

R: Oh yes.

J: What's the hardest part of your job?

R: Sometimes I get a stiff back.

J: Do you ever get the feeling that the dolls are all belittling, laughing at, and/or talking smack about you behind your back, like, say, when you leave the room for lunch?

R: No! Why? Have you heard something? What have you heard?

J: After looking at these beautiful fake women day in, day out, do you ever find yourself thinking that real women just don't cut it, that they just talk too much and are way too emotionally needy and have tiny tits?

R: Yes!

J: Which one is your favorite doll?

R: Kumi.

J: Oh, Kumi. She's cute! How much is she?

R: She's not for sale.

Japablum Recommends: The Boredoms at Brooklyn Bridge Park

2007-07-06T21:39:00.000+09:00

Hey kids, you like drums? Well, Japan's seminal noise experimentalists the Boredoms are playing a free show at Brooklyn Bridge Park with 77 drummers on 7/7/07, this Saturday. Read more here. Japablum will be there autographing breasts and butts, so come and say hello!

Tragedy: Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi Loses Hot Dog Eating Contest to Guy with No Nickname

2007-07-05T21:44:00.000+09:00

This is so sad. Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi, six-time winner of Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, has been toppled by a guy who doesn't even have a decent nickname. Joey Chestnut, from California or something, pulled ahead in the final moments of the 12-minute competition when Kobayashi suddenly felt like he was going to throw up and lost some valueable time trying not to. (We've been there.)

Kobayashi's trajectory from underdog (get it?) to top dog (get it?) to a still respectable second...dog (....get it??) should be an inspiration to us all. And we didn't realize that the secret to rock-hard abs is ingestion of obsene amounts of red tubular meat. We're redoubling our efforts!

Fukuoka's Very Own Yone Minagawa Named World's Oldest Woman

2007-07-03T11:22:00.000+09:00

Yone Minagawa of Fukuoka Prefecture, pictured above in her garden in Fukuchi city, is officially the world's oldest woman, according to Britain-based Guinness World Records. Japablum would like to offer it's congratulations and a list of its top three most nutritious easily swallowed foods:

(3) Miso Soup
(2) Chicken Broth, and
(1) Nutella!

Now, Yone, we don't recommend swallowing them all at once, but you're the world's oldest woman, so you do what you want!

Ann Coulter's Neck Becomes Dangerously Large, Threatens Tokyo Bay's Artificial Island Odaiba with Stadium-Sized Adam's Apple

2007-07-01T10:05:00.000+09:00

Just when Tokyoites thought it was safe to leave the house to queue up for an iPhone, Ann Coulter's Neck, which had launched a series of bizarre and random attacks on the city last month before retreating to its subterranean lair, reappeared this evening larger than ever and seemingly ready to rumble. It appears that Ms. Coulter's recent war of words with U.S. presidential candidate John Edwards's wife Elizabeth Edwards on MSNBC's Hardball program has had an effect on her neck not unlike anger had on Bill Bixby in the '70s.

"I didn't think it was possible for that woman's neck to get any larger," said Odaiba Starbucks employee Ryunosuke Okajima. "Did you see it last month in Shinjuku? It was the size of the goddamn Milky Way."

The Tokyo Metropolitan Police has sent an emergency S.O.S. to Goldar, a giant golden statue with special powers who lives in a volcano outside the city. "We're hoping he has some contacts that he can milk," said Tokyo police chief Yoshi Honda. "I know he used to be pretty close with Astro Boy, but I'm not sure if they're still in regular contact."

Whatever happens, the citizens of Tokyo are desperate for a hero right now.

"This bitch's neck is just fucking huge. I mean, it's ridiculous. How big can it get?!" said shocked onlooker Yoko Takahashi, shielding her 3-year-old from the gargantuan display of horrific right-wing skin.

"Ugh, fucking gross," said high schooler and professional Harajuku girl Aiko Yamashite, flicking her Hello Kitty cigarette lighter. "It smells like cigarettes, cheap gin, and natto."

It is hoped that Coulter's Neck will deflate after colliding with the torch of the fake Statue of Liberty replica in front of the Aqua City shopping mall.

Japablum Punts: Cornelius Pitchfork Interview

2007-06-27T21:53:00.000+09:00

The overly analytic snobs over at Pitchfork Media, who will happily examine a pop song's every nook and cranny until it's no fun for anyone anymore, look up from the Xiu Xiu tattoo on their navel to upload a new interview with Japanese pop maestro Cornelius.

Only 10 Days Left Before Kiyomizu Temple Wipes the Floor With Jesus!

2007-06-26T11:32:00.003+09:00

Everyone, put down the bong and hide the Cliffs Notes. It's time to be culturally significant. There are only 10 more days to vote on the next 7 Wonders of the World, and Japan's very own Kiyomizu Temple in Kyoto is up for one of the seven slots. It faces 20 other wannabees, including Brazil's Christ the Redeemer statue, New York's Statue of Liberty, the Easter Island figures, England's Stonehenge, and China's Great Wall. Vote now! You don't want Kiyomizu to lose to a bunch of communist Druids, do you?

Rush Limbaugh Drops in on Tokyo's Tsukiji Fish Market, Makes a Mess

2007-06-25T10:25:00.000+09:00

Rush loves fresh tuna. Deep fried. With cheese and lots of mayo.

OMG Dept: Yellow Magic Orchestra Reunites to Save the Earth!

2007-06-23T04:30:00.000+09:00

Great news! Japanese electro-pop band Yellow Magic Orchestra, the brains behind such 80s synthesized treasures as "Expecting Rivers," "Wild Ambitions," and "Firecracker" (we know things!) is reuniting for a concert you can't go to to play songs you've never heard of in your life! (A life that is so, so empty.) Yes, they'll be playing the Live Earth concert on July 7 in Kyoto alongside British composer Michael Nyman. Will they make an album? Will they wear matching golden and glittery tuxedos? Will they each play a keyboard solo? Find out when the DVD is released at some point in the future time!

In the mean time, click this.

Japablum Jukebox: Uniqlo Mixplay Thingie

2007-06-22T11:56:00.000+09:00

It's time to get weird and random. Here is some sort of Uniqlo promotional dance video-type thing we found on the youtubes. Attn: Uniqlo, we hope to get a polo shirt out of this. White or gray, or actually, no, navy blue. We don't have navy blue. And, we're not sure what hifalutin name you have for them, but we like the stretchy kind.

Curiosity Corner: Heroes' Masi Oka in People Magazine's "Hottest Bachelors" Issue

2007-06-20T03:43:00.000+09:00

We here at Japablum appreciate Masi Oka's stardom because we think all socially awkward nerds deserve to be featured in glossy celebrity weeklies. And now there's something to really celebrate: Oka-san, everyone's Asian best friend from high school, is listed among the hottest bachelors in the land. So what does this hunk of Japanese manmeat have to say for bookish brainiacs like his good self in his essay on page 125?

"Smart guys are going to make every relationship exciting, not just emotionally but physically because there are things that a creative mind has over just a hot smoking body."

Ok, we're doubtful, but go on....

"Yes, I am not the most muscular guy, but I can make any woman feel at ease."

Like chocolate or cheese.

"And also, women won't have to feel so conscious about themselves when they are with smart guys."

Or when they're wasted.

"I mean, I like to work out, but I don't want to be a gym rat. I would rather spend two hours hanging out with my partner."

You like to work out? Ok, then, how about a compromise? One hour, forty-five minutes at the gym, fifteen minutes with your partner. Free blowjobs at New York Sports Club on 23rd and 8th........

"I would rather have believed in someone and get hurt than live life with distrust."

Hmm. You're losing us. Maybe make an offhand reference to your smooth, sinewy thighs? Unbutton your top button? Put down the algebra book and make a muscle?

"I think smart guys make better boyfriends."

Sadly, we've already got one of those. Anyone got any cheese?

Japablum Recommends: Mr. at Lehmann Maupin Gallery, NYC

2007-06-16T06:59:00.001+09:00

We do realize that, sadly, most of our readers are in prison, but repeat offenders need plans for the weekend, too! And who doesn't want to see giant three-dimensional manga figures with pools for eyes staring excitedly at them? Moreover and in addition, who doesn't want to see manga paintings of adolescents in varying states of undress? In conclusion, who among us doesn't have a Lolita complex? (We don't, but you probably do!)

The Japanese artist known simply as "Mr." has an exhibit currently on at the Lehmann Maupin gallery in Chelsea, NYC, and there are enough smiley youngsters with smooth, supple skin on display to give you an ice cream headache.

Bring all your friends who haven't left the house since Comicon!

Japablum Jukebox: Denki Groove

2007-06-16T03:02:00.000+09:00

This video by Anglophilic dance act Denki Groove reminds Japablum of that dream we had a few weeks ago when we ate too much Octopus 'n Sardine Lasagna right before bedtime.

Track: Flashback Disco
Rating: Three and a half dancing daisies

WTF Dept: Bruce Willis Named Honorary Chief of Terrorism Task Force

2007-06-15T04:09:00.000+09:00

We generally don't like to post about dome-headed Hollywood stars two days in a row, but this must be reported. Note: This is not a joke. It's totally real. Bruce Willis has been named honorary chief of the special task force for cyberterrorism by the National Public Safety Commission in Tokyo.

We don't know what this means, but it doesn't sound right. What's next? Cybil Shephard as the honorary assistant to the president of the organization for dating unhinged taxi drivers named Travis Bickle?

Hmm. That's actually something we could get behind. So never mind.

Carry on, Bruce.

Bruce Willis Flies to Tokyo to Defuse Bomb Implanted in Maggie Q's Pancreas by Terrorists

2007-06-13T08:10:00.000+09:00

OMG! The Mac Guy was sent to help with any of his audio-visual needs!

Update: Ann Coulter's Gargantuan Nuclear Neck Attemps to Commandeer Japan Rail Train, Demands Exfoliating Cream, End to Liberal Media/Sodomy

2007-06-11T03:55:00.000+09:00

The long, labyrinthine neck of Ann Coulter is at it again. Recently seen terrorizing Tokyoites in Shinjuku and picking a fight with the Big Buddha in Kamakura, the neck has now set its site on Tokyo's mass transit system. Swinging onto platform 12 of Shinjuku Station, the neck attempted to commandeer an east-bound Yamonote line train. It is still not clear what the neck's intent was.

"That giant oozing neck? It just started bellowing about liberal faggots, dirty immigrants, and anal sex," said Yoshi Yamamoto, the operator of a kiosk on the platform. "Didn't make any sense. And what's wrong with anal sex?"

"Nobody really knows what that neck wanted," remarked Kyoko Hasegawa, a young shopper dressed in a pink tutu and matching bikini top and Easter bonnet. "It was trying to get control of the train, but if that horrible greasy neck thought it was gonna take that train anywhere but where it was scheduled to go, it was sadly mistaken. Nobody fucks with a Japanese train timetable."

Indeed, the Neck was not able to gain control of the train. The doors closed before it was able to enter and, because of the Neck's slick and slimy surface, it simply slid off the side of the train as it left the station and headed south toward Yoyogi.

"Funny that Ann Coulter's Neck chose the Yamanote line," said Keiko Tanaka, an office lady who was waiting for the train when the attack happened. "It's the circle line. It just goes around and around and around. Kind of like Ann Coulter's Neck's bitching."

Japablum Jukebox: Ego-Wrappin'

2007-06-08T23:35:00.000+09:00

You know when you first heard a song by Puffy Amiyumi or Morning Musume and all that squeaky singing (squeanging?) made your brain fill up with pus? Well, Ego-Wrappin’ are the antidote for all that. Like a tall, cool drink of water washing down a couple of diazepam, they will soothe you. And dang if this bitch can’t sing.

Track: 老いぼれ犬の口笛
Groove: Mellow

Japanese Tourists Better Than Most

2007-06-07T23:44:00.000+09:00

It's an embarrassment of riches for Japan these days. First they win Miss Universe, then they're voted fifth most peaceful nation, and now the tourists they export are celebrated for being the best in Europe, according to a new survey of European hoteliers. In specific categories, the Japanese were judged to be the best behaved, the quietest, the most polite, and the least complaining. They were also second only to Americans in the amount of money spent and second only to the Germans in cleanliness (What?).

The Japanese were also voted class clown, best school spirit, and most likely to succeed. The French were voted biggest bitches. Japablum was voted biggest suck-up and most likely to have a nervous breakdown. Congratulations us!

Last Week's News Today: Japan Ranked 5th Most Peaceful Nation

2007-06-06T08:40:00.000+09:00

This was actually announced last week, but we get our newspapers by boat, so it takes us a while sometimes: Japan has been ranked as the Fifth Most Peaceful Nation in a new report done by The Economist Intelligence Unit and some guy named Steve.

Some might say that this is a great honor for Japan, but all we can say is: this is some bullshit. Fifth? Fifth?! Japan just won Miss Universe, bitches! Not Miss World. Miss Universe. We say it's time for Japan to challenge all those pussy-ass nations that outranked it--Norway, New Zealand, Denmark, and Ireland--to an all-out battle royale, where they all must convene on an island with one weapon each and three days to off each other in the ultimate contest to see once and for all who the f**k is the most peaceful nation in the world.

Beat their hippie asses, Japan.

Japablum's Cure for the Monday Blues

2007-06-05T03:15:00.000+09:00

Yes, it's another dreary Monday morning. We know how you feel because we feel it too. To keep ourselves from jumping out our first-floor window at the beginning of every week, we need to be reminded of the beautiful things in life, however briefly. This week we're going to pass on the good vibes. Because nothing makes Japablum feel better than the site of grinning young men chumming around together with barely any clothes on.

Happy Monday.

Ahhhh, that's better.

Japablum Jukebox: The Creatures

2007-06-02T01:50:00.000+09:00

Japablum celebrates the recent birthday of our fairy godmother Siouxsie Sioux this week with her homage to the misunderstood and really quite charming Japanese nuclear monster Godzilla. She's accompanied by two fellow creatures Budgie (her hubbie, ex of the Banshees) and former Kodo drummer Leonard Eto on drums. Lots and lots of drums.

Track: Godzilla
Translation: Gojira

Japablum Pugilism Report: Members of Japanese Diet Fight Over Whose Suit is Grayest

2007-05-31T19:41:00.000+09:00

This is shocking. Members of the ruling and opposition parties of the Japanese Diet got into a brawl Thursday when the Liberal Democratic Party member Ryuji Yamamoto claimed that his party had the grayest suits and, thus, more credibility when it comes to matters of national security and moral values. This upset the prominent members of the Social Democratic Party, whose gray suits are a major part of their party platform. They rose to their feet and demanded that Yamamoto take it back or else. When Yamamoto refused he was thumped in the forehead by the closest Social Democrat, an action that set off the fight pictured above.

Japablum is so glad U.S. politicans aren't this retarded. Otherwise what kind of horrible state would our country be in?

Breaking: Miss Japan Riyo Mori Crowned Miss Universe After Beating Miss Brazil and Miss Korea in Mud Wrestling Competition

2007-05-29T11:57:00.000+09:00

Congratulations, Riyo! Go hose yourself off and get to work! World peace can't start with you....

Update: Ann Coulter's Giant Rubbery Tubulate Neck Calls the Big Buddha a "Faggot"

2007-05-29T01:02:00.000+09:00

The titanic neck of Ann Coulter, which launched a surprise attack on the citizens of Tokyo last week, has moved its campaign of pre-menopausal psychosis and turbo-charged misanthropy south to the old Japanese capital of Kamakura, where it proceeded to ream the giant Buddha statue with a series of liberal-baiting epithets from its usual bag of tricks, calling the weathered, much-loved statue a "peacenick faggot," a "baby-killing butt pirate," and a "commie terrorist al-Quaeda-loving atheist sodomite."

Onlookers were stunned by the unprovoked barrage of insults, which disturbed the usually serene grounds for over ten minutes. Visitors quietly praying or silently viewing the giant structure looked on in horror as the oily, gruesome, 45-year old neck continued its bombardment of slurs and then rubbed its Adam's apple on the Buddha's left eyelid.

Though the local Kamakura police have been partnering with the Tokyo Metropolitan Police to try to put an end to the colossal neck's rein of terror, one member of the force who asked not to be identified said that they are secretly hoping that, like in America, Ann Coulter's neck will just slowly fade into absolute irrelevance, just popping up every now and then to scare the country's children and insult a new minority group.

Japablum Jukebox: Asobi Seksu

2007-05-25T21:56:00.000+09:00

The 1/4 Japanese frothy Brooklyn dreampop kids in Asobi Seksu (it means 'playful sex'--naughty!) serenade us this Friday with a track called 'Thursday'. Yes, we had planned to post this yesterday, thus creating a wondrous poetic synchronicity between music and blog. But we didn't have time. So what? We can't be expected to just drop everything just so you can enjoy a thematically cohesive blog posting, can we, selfish? Jesus.

Track: "Thursday"
Today is: The day after Thursday, fine, we get it.

Mika Kano, Japan's Ministress of Ambrosia and Afros, Answers Your Questions

2007-05-23T11:05:00.000+09:00

Dear Mika,

Longtime reader, first-time writer. I love your boobs. Anyway, I've been troubled lately. There are so many horrible things happening in the world every day, like war, bombs, genocide, famine, and religious extremism. I sometimes can't even get out of bed in the morning, weighed down as I am with thoughts of orphaned children starving, suicide bombers taking innocent bystanders down with them to the uncertainty of the afterlife, and petrified young soldiers living daily through a bloody war without end. So I ask you, Mika, my beacon in this whirling shitstorm, how do you make sure that your skin stays supple but not too dry during the cooler months, and how on earth do you keep your pores from becoming too oily in the stinky hot summer?

Annabel in Annapolis

-----------------

Dear Annabel,

It sounds like you've had a really hard time lately. You really should isolate yourself more from the world. Go see movies alone on Saturday afternoons. Decline party invitations. Sit in your bedroom on the hardwood floor sipping a cheap Cabernet and turning on and off the table lamp over and over and over until you feel like you're absolutely losing your mind. Most of all, have fun!

Mika :-)

Breaking: Tokyo Attacked By Ann Coulter's Monstrous, Veiny Neck!

2007-05-20T09:48:00.000+09:00

Well, it's been a few months since Tokyo was attacked by a giant reptilian creature from the netherworld, and every Tokyoite knows that the peace and quiet can only last so long. This evening all the carefree fun and games came to an abrupt halt when the gigantic, frightfully tubular and leathery neck of American conservative commentator Ann Coulter descended upon the Don Quixote costume shop in the city's Shinjuku district.

Ann Coulter's neck, which has been scaring the shit out of innocent Americans for more than ten years, is reportedly trying to branch out and internationalize its trail of horror and devastation.

"I don't understand," said Mos Burger employee Yoshi Yamagawa, reacting to the giant floating patch of aging skin as it hovered over his place of work. "Why when all these crazy Americans want to tear some shit up, they have to come to Tokyo? Why can't they go to Seoul or freaking Hong Kong every once in a while?" He then added, "Do you know how many babies Dick Cheney ate when he was here? My God!"

Coulter's neck reportedly terrorized Shinjuku residents for two-to-three hours with its views on liberals and the 9/11 widows before taking a break and visiting Harajuku to do some shoe shopping. It was last seen sipping an appletini and rubbing up on Tokyo Tower.

Developing......

Japablum Easy Joke Department: Japan Reimagines Concept of Drunk Driving

2007-05-16T03:47:00.000+09:00

Yes, it's true: the national alcoholic beverage may soon be the national alcoholic biofuel. That sweet smell wafting in from the East? That's the smell of a bunch of Toyota Blade hatchbacks getting wasted.

Japablum Editorial: Will Someone Please Give Empress Michiko a Hat That Fits?

2007-05-14T11:29:00.000+09:00

Listen, Japan, it is ridiculous that Japablum even has to ask, but can you PLEASE give Empress Michiko a hat that fits her head? She does many wonderful things for you. She acts as honorary president of the Japanese Red Cross. She has made official visits to 37 countries (more than even Japablum!). She.....has posed for many, many photographs. And how do you repay her? By providing her with a few small scraps of fabric with which her aging ladies-in-waiting can stitch together a tiny little hat to sit awkwardly atop her head. For shame, Japan! She deserves better.

For guidance, we suggest you look to England and the hats they procure for their royals.

Look at the size of that hat. Definitely more befitting of a personage of nobility striding regally into her golden years. And not only is the hat of a sufficiently large size, it also comes with useful netting that can catch bugs, bees, and other things that might try to fly into her face as she waves to people. Talk about giving someone the royal treatment. Take note, Japan.

WTF Department: The Cottons

2007-05-11T11:50:00.000+09:00

Add this to the lengthy list of Things Japablum Didn't Know Existed: a group called the Cotton Council International, whose "mission is to increase exports of U.S. cotton, cottonseed and U.S. manufactured cotton products through activities that affect every phase of the marketing chain." Bored yet? Us too. We'll get to the point.

Apparently, part of the CCI's promotional push in Japan is to bestow upon some lucky Japanese celebrities honorary titles and hold a press conference. Hence this picture, featuring, from right, actress Masami Nagasawa, former baseball player Tsuyoshi Shinjo, and actress Momoko Kikuchi, who were crowned Miss Cotton, Mr. Cotton, and Mrs. Cotton, respectively. CCI chose these particular empty vessels for the honor because, presumably, they can act as Japanese Pied Pipers, leading the zombie public towards.....more cotton? Also, according to CCI, they "best personify the cotton image of pure, bright and fresh."

Much more flattering than the words ("dank, fronky, and meaninglessness") used by the National Needlepoint Association in turning Japablum down for the honor of Miss Thimble 2006.